CSWA: ON TIME from Anaheim features:

Shane Southern vs. GUNS

Nate Logan vs. Lance Liezure

Wicked Sight vs. Machine

Black Death Devil MastR vs. Apocalypse

Nathan Storm vs.
Cameron Cruise

Kin Hiroshi vs.
Henderson Bramble

Lawrence Stanley speaks out

The Pros host a 
very special guest


Evan Aho


Triple X

JJ DeVille

Simply Stunning


(CUE UP: “Moto Psycho” - Megadeth

CUT TO:  The ON TIME logo at the top of the ramp from the show’s debut 
CUT TO:  The Professionals walking backstage, both with a cigarette in mouth
CUT TO:  Eli and
Troy “playing tug-of-war” in the crowd with a chair from ANNIVERSARY 2001
CUT TO:  Triple X hitting the XXXFactor on Wicked Sight during a PRIMETIME card
CUT TO:  Tom Adler walking toward the arena from the parking lot
CUT TO:  The Machine locking JJ Deville up in a nerve hold
CUT TO:  Apocalypse at the top of the ramp from ELVIS LIVES 2001
CUT TO:  Kin Hiroshi coming from the top with a Hiroshima Bomb
CUT TO:  Mark Windham running toward the cage at ANNIVERSARY 2001
CUT TO:  Wicked Sight along the guard rail, tagging hands with a fan
CUT TO:  The Men Of Adventure standing victorious in the center of the ring
CUT TO:  Nate Logan laying Lance Liezure out in the center of the ring
CUT TO:  Hornet hitting the Hornet Splash against Lawrence Stanley
CUT TO:  Cameron Cruise looking over the side of the stage at ANNIVERSARY 2001
Lawrence Stanley proudly waving the American and British flags
CUT TO:  Shane Southern pounding on Tom Adler from ANNIVERSARY 2001
CUT TO:  Lance Liezure hitting JJ Deville with a chair at ANNIVERSARY 2001
CUT TO:  Cardigo pointing to the sky in
Mobile , AL
CUT TO:  “The Lone Walker” Paul Michaels taking care of business at ON TIME
CUT TO:  Kevin Power flipping off the skybox at ANNIVERSARY 2001
CUT TO:  Mike Randalls in the
Mojave Desert
CUT TO:  Eddy Love and Sweet Melissa standing before a CSWA backdrop
CUT TO:  GUNS revealing himself
CUT TO:  Evan Aho with the world title wrapped around his waist

CUT TO:  The inside of the Shark Tank, one singular pyro marks the beginning of CSWA: ON TIME as Moto Psycho hits its chorus…  The camera pans around to catch signs, quickly catching glimpses of “So Sayeth Apocalypse”, “GUNS fears Sight”, “Marry Me, English Gent”, “WE LOVE THE VIEW, TOO, MOA”, “P-R-O”, then focusing on three large men bearing painted stomachs that reads “E-L-I”, before finally resting on Billy Buckley and Rudy Seitzer as Moto Psycho fades into huge crowd response.)

ByB:  LIVE from Anaheim, this is the CSWA and we’re ON TIME…

RS:  And we’re heading straight to the ring folks, this show’s getting underway in big time fashion… 

RS:  And we’re heading straight to the ring folks, this show’s getting underway in big time fashion… 

(CUE UP:  “God Save The Queen” – big time noise factor as Lawrence Stanley walks out with Alfred by his side.  Both men are dressed in very dapper suits and stride purposefully to the ring as the giant TV screens behind them show highlights of “The English Gent” in action.  As they make their way to the ring the camera pans round the crowd to look at the various signs, ‘Stanley Was Robbed’, ‘Teri is a Slut’ and ‘Hornet Fears the Gent’ are just a few of the signs on display.  Finally Stanley gets to the ring where he grabs the mic and waits for the crowd to die down.)

LS:  ANNIVERSARY was a big event for me, I had a lot on my mind and a lot to prove, and sadly for myself I did not accomplish what I set out to do.

RS:  Yeah, although Teri had a lot to do with that.

LS:  I make no excuses over my match with Hornet; I am experienced enough not to let outside interference bother me.  The truth is I let my emotions get the better of me and I paid the price.  The whole sordid triangle involving myself, Hornet and Teri repulses me to my very soul.

ByB:  I know what he means, the thoughts of a threesome between them makes me sick too!

RS:  Billy!

LS:  Teri, you never cease to amaze me, just when I think you cannot stoop any lower you prove me wrong.  To fake a pregnancy just to pay me back, just when I had an inkling of concern for you, is despicable even beyond your heinous levels.

RS:  He’s right Billy, what Teri did was low.

ByB:  Maybe, but you don’t mess with the Alpha Female, he should know that.

LS:  Quite frankly whatever relationship you have with Hornet is of no interest of me, but let me make one thing plainly clear… You and I are no more, keep out of my business.  That is, if you know what’s good for you.

ByB:  And he’s supposed to be a gentleman?  Threatening a lady?

RS:  In my opinion she deserves whatever she gets.

ByB:  That’s odd, because I don’t remember asking you for your opinion!

RS:  What’s happening to you, Billy?  Daddy won’t be happy with you.

ByB:  Shut up.

LS:  The reason I have requested this spot tonight is because I have business I need to continue with Hornet.  This is not finished, not by a long way, you may have won the battle but the war is far from over.  I understand that you are booked for the next card, but I want more of you Hornet, you and the US title.  Therefore right now I am challenging you to a War Zone match as soon as possible for the US title.

ByB:  What the Hell is a War Zone match?

RS:  Got me.

LS:  All I want is a straight yes or no Hornet, should you accept I will release the full details regarding the match at a later date.  Let one thing be certain though old chap, one way or another, I will have my day with you, and when that happens, may God have mercy on you because I certainly will not.  And with that, I bid you a good-day.

( Stanley drops the mic and walks off to a big pop.)

ByB:  What the hell is Stanley thinking?  Who would accept a match he knows nothing about?

RS:  I don’t know, Billy, but Hornet’s been called out, let’s see if he responds… For now though, we’re hitting the ring with our first bout of the night…

Nathan Storm vs. Cameron Cruise

Cameron Cruise debuted the new entrance theme “Payback” by Flaw.  During the bout, with the commentators distracted with Lawrence Stanley’s challenge to Hornet and their own quarreling, these two went at it lacking the intensity they had for each other not long ago but managed to put on a solid showing of mat wrestling.  It erupted into a suplex contest moments later, with Nathan Storm getting the upper hand.  In the end, however, “The Crippler” came out on top with a cradle piledriver.

Winner:  Cameron Cruise

RS:  We’re going to pay some bills, stay tuned, Southern takes on GUNS, and the young sensation Kin Hiroshi is NEXT!

CUEUP: Commercial -- "The best in CSWA home entertainment… “Best of Eli/Troy” available on DVD or VHS!  Also, check out ANNIVERSARY 2001 and Elvis Lives 2001 also available on DVD or VHS!"

(With a hale and hearty blast of horns and chest-rattling bass drums, the MEN OF ADVENTURE THEME SONG bursts to life! "Adventurrrrre ... Men of Adventurrrrre ... Conquerrring the world! The World of Adventurrrrre ..." as footage of the MoA - "IRON JOHN" WAITS and BENJAMIN "BIG TOM" REMUS - in full trapper regalia are shown in film clips of their 'mighty adventures!' - every scene merely the men gadding about in front of a blue-screen. They race ahead of a heard of wild stampeding buffalo, they walk on the wing of a classic biplane during a spectacular stunt show, THEY LAUGH, STANDING IN THE CENTER OF A HOUSEFIRE, HOLDING MARSHMALLOWS!)

(A 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' style logo flashes across the screen with a whipcrack effect: "The Men Of Adventure - QUEST FOR REAL MANLY MEN - and then fades, leaving us with John and Tom in their canoe in front of a bluescreen of the deep forest around the Amazon river ...)

TOM: "I tell you, John, my lad, our lives as the only TRUE MANLY (BLEEP)DAMN MEN in the whole of the CSWA tag team scene, it makes for a heavy burden. Take, for instance, our current self-imposed quest ... here we trudge the FILTHY BACKWATERS and FECES DANK festering SWAMPS of the most distant reaches of the CSWA's feminine, pale, fleshy reach, seeking those paeans to simpering domesticity and girlish fancy who compose this pathetic (spits) tag team division."

JOHN: "Yes Tom, it is our unholy and damnable duty to root these fakers - themselves no more manly than mere STREET MIMES - out into the unforgiving and brutish LIGHT OF SHEER MANLINESS!"

TOM: "Yes, I want to make it very clear" (speaks slowly and enunciates painstakingly to the camera) "WE are on a QUEST to find even ONE TAG TEAM in the CSWA who are NOT (BLEEPS)."

JOHN: "Yes," (speaking to camera) "The PREMISE of our SERIES of ADVENTURES seems clear." (stares for a moment, deadpan at the camera)

TOM: "John, consult our MANLY MAP and tell us what hateful dandies we seek here in this fetid swamp" (swats at imaginary things) "CURSED TSE TSE FLIES! Take my blood if you dare, I HAVE NONE! Like all MEN OF ADVENTURE, my veins FLOW with the PURE UNADULTERATED SPUNK OF TITANS! The MAP, John, to which of these ballet-dancing ninnies are we questing?"

JOHN: "Tom, our first subjects, they are ... I ... I fear to speak their name aloud, Tom, lest it turn my very tongue GAY upon the uttering of their hated syllables!"

TOM: "Courage, man..."

JOHN: "Tom, we seek ... RAW DEAL! HO HO!"

TOM: "Ho HO!"

(CUTTO: Black and white film footage from a Tarzan movie, twelve black men in African tribal gear paddling a canoe while the John and Tom sing their theme song in a voiceover. CUTTO: A closeup of the of the canoe in front of the bluescreen again, John has his back turned the camera and appears to be whizzing in the river)

JOHN: "Ahhhh. Farewell fifteen cups of coffee and muscatel, YOU SERVED ME WELL while in my GUT AND BLADDER you resided! FAREWELL! Ho HO!"

TOM: "Hush John! Hunker down, I think I hear something! Pay heed and come astern!"

JOHN: "Fat chance Tom, even the URINE of true Men of Adventure CANNOT BE STOPPED! Besides, what do you think propels the boat at this speed? I'll tell you. MY PEE! HO HO!"

TOM: "So be it, but upon the wind wafts the odor of something even more pungent than your nasty-ass excretions, friend John. And good grief, lay off the asparagus, man. HO! I sense it on the wind, the reek of their LACK OF MANLINESS is tangible! Come with me, through the forest!"

JOHN: "Can't stop now, Tom! I see one of those hated urethra-infesting parasite-fish of the Amazon, the hated Candiru, is attempting to swim up the flow of my urine and infest my manly orifices with his spiny badassedness! I WON'T HAVE IT! Only the strength of my expelled urine keeps him at bay! BACK SPINY HORNFISH, TONIGHT YOU WILL NOT DINE ON THE SOFT AND DELECTABLE FLESH INSIDE MY WEINER, YOU BASTARD!" (whizzes harder)

TOM: "John, assuming you aren't hallucinating the entire event, what difference does it make? Let the pokey little bastard take up lodging in the manse of your manhood. And when he's not expecting it, one of your multitude of crabs will probably kill its sorry ass while it sleeps."

JOHN: "True, my prodigous and spectacular genitals are like the rough part of St Louis ... EAST St. Louis !"

TOM: "We cannot wait, or the scent will grow cold! Cut off the stream, John! It's the only option, for we must RUN to ADVENTURE and the conclusion of our QUEST!"

(CUTTO: More black and white Tarzan footage, a team of Great White Hunters and their porters making their way through a jungle. The MoA continue making voiceovers, as John exclaims "Ah, my urethra! You win this round, spiney dickfish!" CUTTO: The MoA running up to a fakey looking temple amidst a set of ferns and jungle foliage ...)

TOM: "We stand at the temple door where the grizzled veterans, the elder statesmen of the CSWA Tag Team Division are rumored to reside, friend John. Inside this hateful place of stone and despair, do there reside REAL MANLY MEN, or just another pair of mincing drag queens who symbolize the downfall and shabby condition of this federation's overall MANHOOD?"

JOHN: "I vote for drag queens Tom!"

TOM: "As you always do!  Quickly, inside!"  (The MoA jog in place as footage of a hallway dashing by is played on the screen behind them.  CUTTO: The MoA on a stage where two, bald, old Marlon Brando lookalikes sit.)  "What the hell?  Do my eyes decieve me? They better not, CAUSE I DON'T TAKE THAT (BLEEP) from ANYONE, even my eyes! But it appears that Raw Deal is nothing more than the worst of all public spectacles - THE OLD GAY FAT COUPLE!"

Marlon Brando lookalike 1:  "I expected they'd send someone like you. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks ... DID YOU BRING GROCERIES?" (slobbers)

JOHN: "These are the feared Raw Deal? I see only self-indulgent fairies who are too lazy to muster the strength to dress, although I appreciate the fine job you've done on shaving your heads. Very smooth. BUT STILL! I believe my urethra-bound parasite fish could kick their asses! Go get 'em boy, get 'em Spike!" (John pats his groinular region encouragingly)

Marlon Brando Lookalike 2: "You have no right to judge us, kill us, but do not judge us."

TOM: "Oh, we'll do worse than that! You who have failed your TRUE MANLINESS more than any others! Who else but the hard-worn veterans of the tag team division could be called MEN, other than we? WELL NOT YOU, OBVIOUSLY! Look at you, you don't belong in a wrestling federation! You belong on tiny motorscooters, wearing checkered pants and cowboy hats, appearing in comical desk calendars! YOU'RE JOKES, and WE'RE BUD FREEMAN! (pause) HO! What can we, as true MEN OF ADVENTURE give you but that which you truly deserve, RAW DEAL! JOHN! Still full of coffee and muscatel?"

JOHN: "And parasite fish! I'm fuller than ever!" (unzips as the camera pans up towards his smiling face) "Say hello to my leetul friend, HO HO!"

TOM: (Camera pans over the look of terror on the twin fat men and then towards Big Tom standing in the back of the room, as the sound of a powerful fire hose is heard over gargbled screams) "The horror ... the horror ... Ho HO!"


Kin Hiroshi vs. Henderson Bramble

It’s another success for Hiroshi!  The fan base seems to have already been there for Hiroshi, but his short CSWA stay thus far has only added to it.  After an impressive ground display, Hiroshi took to the sky and quickly went to the top for the Hiroshi-ma bomb, decisively getting the three count.

Winner:  Kin Hiroshi

ByB:  Let’s go to the back where Shane Southern has something to get off his chest…

(CUT TO:  Backstage.)

SS:  Last ON TIME Mike Plett came out here n' told off tha' Strongest Arms in Tha' World. Last week Wicked Sight TOLD Guns what alotta' guys in tha' back were thinkin'. Since that time Guns, you've hadda' lot ta' say on tha' subject. Since this match was signed, all I've heard from ya' is how tha' CSWA's goin' down...brick by brick, n' how you don't care WHO gets destroyed in tha' process.

You've told me that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, that I can't make tha' CSWA a place worth savin'. I disagree Guns.

But I don't only disagree with YOU...and you're not tha' only man who I've gotta' problem with. Guys like Eddy Love and Troy Windham ...Hornet, Eli Flair and Mike Randalls. My goal is ta' make ever'body here on equal footin'. All I see happenin' is tha' same guys over n' over again in Main Events...Hornet/Flair, Randalls/Windham, Flair/Love, Love/Hornet...it's an endless combination of tha' top NAMES always gettin' top billin'...always facin' each other, never getting outside their comfort zone, never takin' a CHANCE at gettin' "embarrassed" by some young punk who's only been here a few months.

And Chad Merritt, he allows it to happen. Because, in his warped sense of thinkin', those guys have always made him money...so why stop now. WHY give these new boys a chance? It scares Merritt when I start talkin' 'bout takin' on guys like Hornet and GUNS, because he doesn't think Shane Southern can make him as much money as those boys. So he strips me of a title ta' show me mah' place. (boos from the crowd) He thinks that maybe now that I see what he'll do ta' me if I keep talkin', that I'll shut up. Oh, Chad ...NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

'Cause ya see, I ain't tha' only one with this goal. I ain't tha' only man that will soak this mat with his blood, sweat n' tears ta' see tha' CSWA become a' better place. There are others.

WICKED SIGHT is one of those people. (crowd pop) He's one of tha' guys that are gonna' ensure that tha' people that WORK tha' hardest, tha' people that have tha' most TALENT, tha' people that want it MOST are allowed ta' shatter that glass ceilin' n' show those limo ridin', mansion livin', first class sittin' suns u <bleep>es just WHO tha' BEST really are. He's one of tha' guys that's gonna speak his MIND, and DAMN be tha' consequences. He's gonna' fight 'till his very last breath ta' make sure that YOU (points to the crowd) get what you WANT.  GUNS mighta’ done a number on him, but he’s gonna’ keep doin’ whatever it takes to get tha’ job done.

Evan Aho....(crowd pops again)... we've had our differences in tha' past, but NOBODY, n' I mean NOBODY is happier ta' see ya' wearin' that World Title 'round yer waist right now than me. I know ya' say that tha' belt really don't mean nuthin' to ya'...n' that's fine, you go on tellin' tha' world what ya; want 'em ta' hear...but in tha' few months I've been here Evan, I've learned somethin' 'bout you...you're goal in yer career is ta' be tha' BEST wrestler on tha' face of tha' earth. THAT belt yer wearin'...is a sign that you're there. Like it or not Evan, you're tha' standard bearer for tha' "new generation". You got what Mike n' I WANT...and we'd LOVE ta' take it from ya. But at tha' same time Evan, you've got ta' take a look at yerself and what's goin' on AROUND ya'. You've got ta' KNOW that if ya' don't FIGHT tha' system, tha' system is gonna' take you down. You may CLAIM not ta' care Evan, but ya' better start real quick...or Chad Merritt could do tha' SAME thing ta' you he did ta' me. THEN where will ya' be Evan? Back to tha' NEW Suicide Squad? BACK ta' Jimmy V ta' give ya' a little direction? Wake up Evan, before it's too late.

GUNS,  no matter what happens ta'night...tha' battle RAGES ON. And I think we BOTH know how tha' party's gonna' end...that's right...(smiles

Party's OVER.

(Backstage, Eddy Love is seen arriving to the building at a CSWA house show the night before.  As he walks down the only-slightly-lighted hall, he hears footsteps behind him.  Love stops, turns, and surveys the area, but sees no one.  After a few moments, he shrugs and continues walking to his dressing room.  As he turns a corner and approaches the room, we see that the door is already opened.  Love drops his gear and cautiously peers into the room.  No one's around, but there's still the bathroom to check.  He cautiously creeps his way over to it and opens the door, wincing as it creaks.  The camera, located directly behind Love, reveals that the room... is empty.  But someone's been there already.  Recently in fact.  This is evident because someone's taken a black Sharpie marker and left a message for Love on the mirror.  The message:  "I'm always watching."  Suddenly, Eddy's cell phone rings.  He nervously grabs it and flips it open.  Through the miracle of technology, we can hear the obviously-distorted voice on the other end.}
Voice:  I'm looking forward to meeting up with you soon, Eddy.  And I'm sure you're just... dying... to know who I am.  You'll know soon enough.  The whole world will know.  But until the time I decide to come forth, know that I'll still be watching.
{We hear an audible click and the line... goes dead.  Love looks around, nervous and sweating slightly, as the camera fades to black.)

(CUT TO:  Michael Plett watching the interview as he stretches, smiling slightly… somebody taps him on the shoulder and he runs out, as the camera cuts back to the arena

Wicked Sight vs. Machine

Whereas Sight thrived on the reactions of the fans, his opponent did nothing of the sort.  Machine came out to a large response that sounded like a pop founded on the fact that the crowd is still awestruck by this monster.  In what should have come as no surprise, he manhandled the lighter Sight through a greater portion of the match.  But as the crowd began to back Plett, he came back with his signature, high-paced offense and after Machine missed a running lariat, Sight came out of nowhere with the View To A Kill to get a well-earned victory over the young German “exchange student.

Winner:  Wicked Sight

(FADEIN:  'COCKY' CRAIG MILES sitting on the mock Masterpiece Theatre Set.  He's wearing a silk black bathrobe and puffing casually on a Newport Cigarette.  The dimmed lights come on and MILES swings the red velvet chair to the camera's view…)

MILES (in mock British Accent):  "Hello and welcome to another installment of Masterpiece PROFESSIONAL Theat-ah.  We are very excited to provide you the loyal U-62 viewer with the highest excellence of THEAT-AH.  Tonight is NO different as we are proud to present the off-Broadway production starring Joey Melton titled 'A Man and his Pig.'  (MILES puffs on his cigarette and blows out a ring) ENJOY."


(FADEIN:  JOEY MELTON standing in an empty theatre with a table behind him…)

JOEY MELTON: "I’ve come out here tonight with the intention to show the world that Joey Melton is more than a drug dependent sex hound, and all around sports entertainment God. Stop looking for a magic rug you haven’t been transported to another dimension, the words you hear are genuine. In the past I’ve taken Steven Flair, Peyton Wright, and Poison Ivy from the depths of the barrel all the way to the top. But, it’s come to my attention many of you think Joey Melton lives for yesterday. With that nugget on the table right here on Wrestling With Amos and Andy I’m going to make another career."   (big canned pop)

MELTON: "I asked for the time tonight so I could showcase the soft, chewy, self-less core of my being. I know time is limited but I’d like to introduce a local performer, who after tonight will have the world eating out of his hand. Harry, it’s your show. 

(CUTTO:  HARRY NEBAL, an early twenty-something Dungeons-and-Dragons-looking geek nervously shuffles onstage, his eyes never move off the floor.  Stagehands bring out a set piece covered by an E.T bed sheet.)  

MELTON (putting the mic in Harry's face): "Tell these fine people your name."

HARRY (adjusts Buddy Holly glasses): "256...256 toothpicks...256."  

MELTON: "Excuse me Raymond?"

HARRY: "Avoid the Noid, avoid the Noid...JJ Deville made a joke." (canned laughs)

MELTON: "I’m sorry that was a little gag we worked out before the show. You ready?"  

(HARRY nods then disappears behind the bed sheet.)

MELTON: "Amos, Andy, do the honors."

(The Stagehands yank the sheet away revealing a good sized puppet set. The set is a replica of SWEET MELISSA's teenage bedroom! The walls are painted pink and adorned with Billy Ray Cyrus and Lynyrd Skynyrd posters. A life-sized cardboard cut out of Bobby Brown seems oddly out of place.)

(A Sweet Melissa puppet, with frizzy blonde hair, sporting a tube top and high riding cut off jeans, sits on a heart shaped bed.)

SWEET MELISSA: "Eddy are you done yet?"

(Off set RACKET)

MELISSA: "Eddy that’s so gross! If you loved me you’d let me be first!"

(more off set RACKET, followed by a pig SQUEALING!)

MELISSA: (humming) "Don’t break my heart, my achy breaky heart..."

(The bathroom door flies open and a squealing pig runs out, then off set.)


(An EDDY LOVE puppet, mullet hair cut, Clemson sweatpants and a COPS t-shirt, steps out of the bathroom out of breath.)

LOVE: "You said something?"

MELISSA: I said that’s gross!

LOVE: "Baby Bubba Ray dared me, for ten bucks. If I’m going to put you through Beautician school I gotta bring home the bacon somehow."

MELISSA: "Why’d you say it like that? Beautician school, what’s with the sarcasm?"

LOVE: "Give it a rest, huh. I ain’t mean nothin’ by it."

MELISSA: "I thought I told you to lose that DRAWL? You sound too much like my uncle."

LOVE: "What’s wrong with being Southern? It’s who I am Melissa!"

MELISSA: "You’re dumb Eddy, okay...you don’t have to sound dumb too."

LOVE: "If you think I’m so dumb, maybe we don’t have to go to the prom!"

MELISSA: "Fine!"

LOVE: "Okay!"

MELISSA: "Fine!"

LOVE: "Okay! Although you know it’s going to break Aunt Bootsy’s heart."

MELISSA: "I ain’t goin’ to the prom with yer Aunt Bootsy!"

LOVE: "That ain’t what I meant! She wanted us to drop by the motor home for pictures. Woman probably had a stroke just cleanin’ the ace for the occasion."


LOVE: "She cleaned the place for us, okay. Momma said she ain’t been feelin’ well of late...workin’ with Ajax peps her up too much."

MELISSA: "Gawd, what an embarrassment having an Aunt who gets high on Ajax . I don’t want you seein’ her no more Eddy."

LOVE: "She’s aunt Bootsy!"

MELISSA: "She’s a drugged out ol’ witch!  (DRAMATIC pause) I need a hit, Eddy, I’m bored. Where’s..."

(SFX: KNOCK on the door!  CUTTO: MELTON gets on his knees and slides over to the side of the set)

MELISSA: "JOEY! How’d you get up here?"

MELTON: "Just like any other guy, I tipped your brother five bucks."   (They all laugh)   "Is that Eddy?"

LOVE: "Sup."

MELTON: "Wow...it is. I heard a nasty rumor you were suspended for OD’ing. But I guess Melissa hides the cleaning supplies, aye?"  

MELISSA: "I can’t believe you’re here, the captain and starting quarterback of the football team in my own bedroom!"

MELTON: "Amazing huh?"

LOVE: "I saw the five touchdown game last week. Not bad."

MELTON: "Congrats on the perfect attendance award."

EDDY LOVE: "It’s nothing."

MELTON: "Oh come on. Dumb people have to hang their hat on something."

MELISSA: "Joey I was wondering...do you have a date to the prom?"

(LOVE doll can’t believe she said that!)

MELTON: "I do. Why did you want to take me?"

MELISSA: "Kinda. I mean yes."

MELTON: "Well I can’t be seen at the prom with you, but if you stay prettied up I’ll drop by after ten and take you some place nice."

MELISSA: "You fer real?"

MELTON: "Always. Wait...why aren’t you going with Ed here?"

MELISSA: "He was my date…"

LOVE: "I’m still your date! Joey you can’t take my girl!"

MELTON: "Calm down Eddy...I’ve got a date for you too."

(MELTON whistles - CUTTO: The pig comes back on set and everyone laughs, but LOVE)

MELTON: "Take it easy on her big man."

LOVE: "Damn you Melton!"

(LOVE lunges at MELTON. MELTON shoots up grabs the LOVE puppet off HARRY's hand and starts kicking away at it!)

MELTON: "You can touch the pig boy, but not ME."

(MELTON destroys the puppet set!  Stomping rapidly on it until its reduced to nothing, but smithereens! HARRY steps up beside MELTON - canned pop! MELTON quickly regains his composure.)

MELTON: "I told you he was fantastic."

(HARRY warms to the cheers, which now sounds like a canned standing ovation!  HARRY steps in front of MELTON and takes a bow. MELTON gets an enraged look on his face grabs HARRY by the hair and drops him with a NECKBREAKER!)

MELTON: "Who do you think you are son? I made you! You're place is in the pigpen with Eddy..."

(MELTON rips HARRY up and bulldogs him onto the broken set!)

MELTON: "It’s prom night girl, where are ya?"

(MELTON rummages through the remains and picks up the SWEET MELISSA puppet and kisses it!)

MELTON: "Eddy...have fun with the pigs and teddy bears."

(MELTON gives a field goal kick to the LOVE doll and struts off stage with the SWEET MELISSA doll…FADE OUT…)

(FADEIN:  MILES back in his chair…smoking that cig still…)

MILES:  "We hope you enjoyed this week's episode of Masterpiece PROFESSIONAL Theat-ah.  Please come back next week for the chilling episode entitled 'The Prozac Files' starring Eli Flair, Gabriel Poe and the Greenvalley Medical Staff."

(FADE TO BLACK as the Masterpiece Theatre music plays…)

(CUT TO:  The announce position.)

ByB:  Those guys are great…

RS:  Well, they’re going to be out here a little later for an interview with Poison Ivy, but right now we’re about to see the debut of a man who’s been described as the most outlandish wrestler to ever enter a CSWA ring…

Apocalypse vs. Black Devil Death MastR

Complete with the girlish shrieks and annoying cries for cheese and board games, this four hundred pound monster came at Apocalypse with intensity, but for the most part Apocalypse dominated the bout.  As the commentators cracked jokes on the physique of the MastR, Apocalypse dug in deep to hit a huge powerslam, then motioned toward the rampway…

(CUE UP:  “Because I Got High” by the Afroman – loud “surprised” pop)  


RS:  The Inferno looks as cocky as ever!  But Boogie looks like he’s in a bad mood… folks, the last time we saw these two, they were associated with Apocalypse, and it looks like they’re here to help him again…

ByB:  I don’t know why, but these three men are lacing boots into the MastR… welcome to the big leagues!


ByB:  Did you see the ring shake?

RS:  Boogie and Apocalypse are stretching him out on the mat, and the Inferno is heading up top!  What’s he doing?

ByB:  FROG SPLASH!  These three men have completely taken out the MastR!

RS:  It looks like they are reunited, Billy!

ByB:  We’ll be right back after this quick timeout!

Lance Liezure vs. Nate Logan

The crowd was decisively behind Lance Liezure for the duration of this bout, even though Nate Logan has built a huge fan base abroad; Nate’s condescending attitude toward the supposed lack of “X-Treme” in the CSWA brought about their reaction.  Nate took it to Lance at first with intensity, but Liezure subdued him with a quick arsenal of mat wrestling.  Moments later, referee Manny Juarez took a bump to the head from a missed superkick by Liezure, and Logan took the bout outside.  Lance capitalized on a missed chair shot by dropkicking it into the side of Logan ’s head, and that’s when all Hell broke loose… 

ByB:  Who’s that?

RS:  Well the crowd response should say it all, the man that seemed poised to retire after ANNIVERSARY 2001… that’s Kevin Powers!

ByB:  What’s he want with either of these men?

RS:  He’s had a history with Logan … abroad, shall we say…

ByB:  No, we shouldn’t… The GXW isn’t abroad, even though it’s following is composed mostly of South Malaysia, the upper part of Canada… and Erik Zieba’s cast of illegitimate children of course.  The man could start two baseball teams…

RS:  You’ve been reading from the Sammy Benson how-to-commentate book, haven’t you?  I tried to tap dance around the situation, and you had to mention those three letters!  It doesn’t matter, that’s there and this is here, the only place that matters, but Kevin Powers is at ringside and inside the ring, let’s not forget, Manny Juarez is down but Lance Liezure is pounding away at the side of Nate Logan’s head, and it looks like this young buck may have what it takes to put him away…

ByB:  Powers is in the ring, and Liezure… WHAT’S THAT FOR?  “Good God” with a big boot to the face of Liezure, and now he’s going… it could be… KISS THE CANVAS!  KISS THE CANVAS, LANCE LIEZURE IS OUT!

RS:  What did he do that for?

ByB:  He just laid Logan atop Liezure and he’s reviving Manny!

RS:  I can’t believe this, folks…

ByB:  The count seems academic here… one… two… three… Did you hear what Powers just screamed?

RS:  No, I didn’t catch it…

ByB:  Figures… He said, “You couldn’t get the job done!”  He did this to taunt Nate Logan!

RS:  The two are facing off right now, and Lance Liezure is still out from the Kiss The Canvas… They’re jawing to each other, neither man wants to flinch…

ByB:  Any second now, Seitzer… they’re going to come to blows…


ByB:  They just hugged each other!  I can’t believe this!  What could “Good God” Kevin Powers and Nate Logan… the ZERO… what could they have in common, and what do they WANT with each other?

RS:  Liezure is getting up… and these two are leaving, I guarantee Liezure will want to retaliate, but I have a feeling that this isn’t about Lance Liezure to these two, with all due respect to Liezure…

ByB:  They have bigger fish to fry, that’s for sure…


ByB:  That was stupid…

RS:  Powers with the boot, ONE MORE TIME… all three men are on the floor now and this does NOT look good for Lance Liezure, I don’t know what Nate Logan and Kevin Powers have in common, I can’t see the common denominator, but it looks like Lance Liezure is going to pay for something. 

ByB:  KP is setting up Kiss The… CONCRETE?

RS:  Logan is up now… TANDEM NECKBREAKER-POWERBOMB!  LANCE LIEZURE IS A ROOKIE DAMNIT, THIS ISN’T RIGHT… what do these two have in store for the CSWA?

ByB:  A lot of pain.

RS:  This was disgusting, folks… we’re going to be right back with our main event, it’s GUNS and Southern, and it’s NEXT!  Not only that, but SAMMY BENSON joins us at the table!

MAIN EVENT:  Shane Southern vs. GUNS

(Match joined in progress at 9:30 elapsed)

RS:  GUNS grabs hold of Southern's ponytail and pulls him to his feet.  Big knee to the midsection by the former CSWA World Champion...

ByB:  Bionic knee, that is.

RS:  GUNS backs Shane into the corner and continues to deliver those shots to the midsection until referee Ben Worthington's count gets to four-and-a-half.  GUNS backs off of Southern, and then dives right back in, slamming that knee viciously into the gut of Southern.  Worthington tries to pull GUNS out of the corner, but gets pushed away for his trouble!

SB:  Benny better watch it... or he might experience roid rage up close and personal.

RS:  GUNS turns back to Southern, who quickly delivers a hard left hand!  The southpaw with another, and another, staggering GUNS slightly!  Southern with another closed fist, and then he ducks one from the big man!  

SB:  GUNS got nothing but turnbuckle....it's the story of his life.

ByB:  I don't understand why my Dad says all those bad things about ya... you're hilarious.

SB:  Your pop lost his sense of humor in the war, junior.

RS:  Southern with the big left, and then a boot to the gut.  GUNS staggers back a step... Southern hops up to the middle rope.... HUGE TORNADO DDT by the N'awlins native!

ByB:  N'awlins?  Since when were you from the South?

SB:  Bourbon Street.... mmmmm.

RS:  Southern's heading back to the ropes...he's gotta hurry.  He half-climbs half-leaps to the top... .MOONSAULT!  There's a cover!  ONE..... TWO.... NO!!!  GUNS uses those massive arms to toss Southern a quarter of the way across the ring, breaking the cover. 

ByB:  Do you think maybe instead of roids, GUNS just had bicep implants?  I mean, the man did get a bionic knee after all.  

SB:  Now he just needs a brain implant and he's all set.  Well, I guess it wouldn't take care of the emotional issues....

RS:  Walking a fine line, aren't ya, Sammy?  Southern's held his own this entire match, and he was just a moment away from winning it.  Both men are on their feet...collar-and-elbow in the middle of the ring, GUNS whips Southern across... Souther ducks the clothesline!  He comes off with a high cross body... and GETS CAUGHT!  Fall-away slam by GUNS!  He covers!  ONE........ TWO..... NO!  Southern gets the shoulder up!

ByB:  Hold on a second...

SB:  Oh joy, Freakboy himself is coming down.  Do you ever wonder if the kid thinks he's Spiderman?  You know... goofy kid turns goofy superhero?

RS:  Wicked Sight's on his way down.... he's looking for revenge after what happened in his World Title match at PRIMETIME!!!

SB:  Maybe I should be looking for revenge for getting tarred-and-feathered.... uh oh, he's coming this way.  Great... we're gonna get to hear the kid whine on air.

ByB:  Don't worry, Sammy, I've got your back.

SB:  Yeah kid, that's SO reassuring. 

RS:  In the ring, GUNS with a HUGE power slam on Southern, but still just a two-count as Shane gets a foot on the ropes.  GUNS is arguing with the ref... Worthington argues back... and gets a hand in his face pushing him into the corner for his efforts!

(SFX:  There's some loud rustling... sounds like a headset falling off as a commentator gets unceremoniously dumped out of his chair.)

ByB and SB:  HEY!

RS:  Sight's headed to the ring apron...


RS:  GUNSshot on Southern!!!  He's down hard... but it looks like GUNS is going for more maneuver.  He backs into the ropes... and gets HAMMERED in the back of the head with that chair!  GUNS swings around, knocking the chair out of Sight's hands before he can use it again.

SB:  Sight is such an idiot... the head isn't GUNS most vulnerable spot.  It's denser than concrete.  Kid, why don't you go find me another chair.

ByB:  Sure, Sammy, my pleasure.

RS:  Wicked Sight fires a right hand, and another... but GUNS catches it and wrenches the entire right arm back, causing Sight to howl.  That arm injury has plagues him for quite a while.  GUNS uses the other hand to lift Sight by the throat...... LOOK OUT!!!!

(Sight catapults through the air... landing on the commentators' table hard, although it doesn't break.  Benson's Dr. Pepper goes flying and hits him in the head... drenching the commentator.)


RS:  SAMMY!  It's not like it was Sight's fault!

BB:  They're both idiots, Buckley.  I'd say they share a brain, except it's obvious they don't have a half of one between them.  

RS:  Hold on... in the ring... GUNS turns his attention back to Southern... who's WAITING for him.  PARTY'S OVER!  He BLASTED him with that superkick right to the face!  ONE......... TWO............ THREE!!!!  Shane Southern wins this one... GUNS suffers a defeat... and Wicked Sight is laying on top of our table!

SB:  And Ben Worthington gets a little revenge on GUNS with a count that was a little faster than before.  I've never been so proud of Ben...

RS:  Former Greensboro Champ Shane Southern wins this one and quickly rolls out of the ring before the CEO of Third Row Inc. can make a move after him.

SB:  Worthington better do the same thing before GUNS starts looking for him.

RS:  Folks, we're out of time here on ON TIME.  Join us next time here on ON TIME from Portland, Oregon.  But before that, don't miss our next LIVE telecast, CSWA SHOWTIME in Las Vegas, featuring Eli Flair taking on Mark Windham. 

ByB:  Here's your chair, Sammy.

SB:  Kid, has your Dad every told you you aren't real bright?

(Fadeout as Seitzer laughs hysterically.)