PRIMETIME in Denver
July 4, 2005
Pepsi Center, Denver, CO
UNIFIED Tournament Action:
Rematch: Dan Ryan vs. High Flyer
Plus the full airing of: Troy Windham vs. Alias
Presidential Championship Tournament Semifinals
Jay Phoenix vs. Minion
Alisha Davis vs. Jason Payne
"Champion's Challenge" to determine the top contender to the US Championship
Steve Radder vs. JA
Kin Hiroshi vs. Logic
Cameron Cruise vs. Reagan Jones
CSWA CEO, President, Owner, and midnight radio personality Stephen Thomas is in his makeshift office in the Pepsi Center two hours before PRIMETIME, leisurely reclining in a black leather desk chair. But he never allows himself to be comfortable. The angle, the resistance in the cushion supporting his corporate ass it’s all wrong; worse, it’s only the start. The walls are too far in, and not long enough. The ceiling fan needs a silencer, and the carpet sweats more than he did on his wedding night.
Nice office. Thomas could walk outside, chuck a stone, and tag someone who’d see it as a five day a week Paradise. An island of success they were groomed never to reach. With mounting debt, and broken promises anchoring his conscience to a standstill, Stephen knows he still has a hell of a job. He possesses the experience to understand a great night in front of rolling television cameras can translate into millions by month’s end. The hole Merritt dug before Thomas returned from the dead to return a favor and stab his best friend and business partner in the back is a molehill in comparison to the mountains they climbed together.
Its owners may have been arrogant pricks who fainted into the foxhole of numbing success, but the CSWA, the foundation of the dreams and blood built by hundreds of men, never knew egotism as a luxury. The old lady’s fortune lined the pockets of crooks and idealists alike ridiculously well, and when the lights blacked, and the sounds of violent cocktails drifted to a neighboring city, she molded the goodwill acquired as a shield. An invisible protector from the distaste and sledgehammers of momentary insanity thrown at her bricks and mortars by the very minds who sent her back to the Gods as weightless and innocent as a child’s lost balloon. Thanks for the blessing. Ignorance is bliss.
Some have created monsters given similar circumstance and resources. Against all odds, the cast of rouge dreamers gave birth to a Princess.
The CSWA’s a myth today, feminine royalty without a potential suitor. She’s a memory deserving of euthanasia. The glory days are neither here, or there, hidden under the visible sheet of paper on a wall-hung calendar. Last Rites given by the Princess herself, but men, well men never listen. Thomas didn’t. He can’t.
In the latter days of ass-kissing away debt, and writing bold promises as easily as if they were bad checks, Stephen has come to realize in the belly of disappointment and failure that the CSWA may mean the most to himself. He’s not ready to see the ancient markings on the wall. Here in Denver, they’re just too damn close.
In the heart of an absent-minded revival, Thomas declares it a Kingdom of Conscience if nothing at all. He owes the old lady a return to glory, if only, for a day.
When his personal debt is paid. When Thomas has put back into the dream, what he stole, and hacked from behind closed doors, and on deserted tropical islands, then he’ll listen. Then, he’ll take the hammer to the Carolina clay bricks and bury the past, and it’s wondrous treasures for good.
Today, though, he’s ignoring the voices reading for him, what he refuses to hear. He’s a stubborn ass, but it’s what she needs.
No suitors, but a champion, yes.
The next step tonight.
Thomas looks at the UNIFIED World Heavyweight title sitting on his desk and grins like a boy who’s just been told a perverse secret.
The truth is, it’ll be hard letting it go.
(STEVE RADDER arrives at the Pepsi Center parking lot, getting out of his car, setting his shades on top of his head, and pushing into the door. He's wearing a blazer with a collared shirt underneath. RADDER spots a nearby card assistant, whom he stops.)
STEVE RADDER: Where do I go, bud?
ASSISTANT: (High-pitched, barely-done-changing voice) I ... I don't know, Mr. Radder, uh, sir.
STEVE RADDER: (Shaking head.) Listen ... (Looks at the nametag on the kid's polo shirt) ... John. When Steve Radder comes it, it's Showtime baby, and you need to know where I need to go.
(JOHN takes RADDER a little too seriously, a worried look on his face.)
JOHN: I'm ... I'm sorry!
STEVE RADDER: I was joking, kid, now, can you tell me where the card sheet is?
(JOHN point down the hall, to the right. RADDER sets off in that direction. As he's turning a corner, he runs into none other than BILLY BUCKLEY, getting ready for the show with his camera man. RADDER is pulling off his blazer.)
BILLY BUCKLEY: Radder, hey, what's ... (BUCKLEY's eyes grow wide, looking down in shock at RADDER's left arm, where his shirt sleeve has rolled up halfway to the elbow, showing a horrific scar, which twists around his forearm until disappearing below the cuff.) ... Sweet Mother of ...
(RADDER notices BUCKLEY's gaze, and calmly smoothes the sleeve down, a bit of a grimace on his face.)
STEVE RADDER: You'd think, Buckley, around here with freaks like Flair running around, that you'd be used to seeing a little scar.
BILLY BUCKLEY: (Mouth agape.) I ... Steve ... I mean, Radder ... that's ... well, it's ...
STEVE RADDER: It's my ticket, Buckley.
BILLY BUCKLEY: Your .. ticket .. er. Your ticket to what, exactly, Radder?
(Radder's already beginning to walk away, mumbling something indecipherable under his breath.)
BILLY BUCKLEY: (To CAMERA MAN). You got that, right?
(The camera man nods, while BUCKLEY looks in the direction RADDER left in, shaking his head.)
FADEIN: Outside the arena, daylight still all around. In the corner of the screen, a timestamp showed "5:42 PM." Fans were still piling into the arena, but a good deal of them saw the cameraman and cheered into the lens.
"Yeah, Vacant! YEAHHHH!!!!"
And other such fun. Off-center of the current view, a limousine pulled up, which garnered quite a bit of attention, itself. But tonight, instead of a big-time wrestler or other celebrity type -- how surprised they were when Rudy Seitzer stepped out.
Old-school fans cheered for the middle-aged journalist, and he waved at them. But he was on a mission, and he made a beeline for the camera.
"I've come from Commissioner Thomas' office directly," said Rudy, "and in my pocket is a sealed envelope that he says contains the contract for Eli Flair's final match at CSWA17."
The cameraman said something unintelligible, but Rudy apparently heard him and nodded. "Well, I don't know exactly... but with all the technical problems we've been having lately, I doubt he'd add to the confusion by giving me something else."
He thought about it.
"Intentionally, at least."
(FADEIN: Pull-back shot of an empty wrestling ring spotlighted in the thick of shadows. Four wrestlers, their identities unknown climb into the ring. They stand two on each side, face-to-face.)
(SFX: Bell ringing.)
(CUTTO: The wrestlers screaming as they throw themselves into a collar-and-elbow lockup.)
(MUSIC CUEUP: "The Call Up" by The Clash.)
(CUTTO: A split-second montage of some of the greatest PRIMETIME moments, and superstars.)
(DISSOLVE TO: A shot of the PRIMETIME ring in the Pepsi Center, a sold-out arena marking on cue as Rhubarb Jones works them into a frenzy. An artist at work, really.)
(CLOSE-UP of the front row of fans, all mugging for the camera. A kid reaches over the railing and shoves a sign in camera view, but CSWA VP and hairdresser to the stars Gregg Gethard quickly snatches it away and tears it to a million pieces as small children in the nearby area cry. Gregg shoves the bits of paper in his mouth and begins to happily chew. He mugs for a pose with a black t-shirt that reads: “Spotlighting Signs Is For Pussycats.”)
(CUTTO: Sammy Benson and Bill Buckley in their usual positions behind their broadcasting table. Buckley in a white dress shirt, American Flag tie, but no coat waits patiently for his cue, as Benson in a wife-beater and tacky Hawaiian unbuttoned shirt props his meaty legs up on the table.)
BB: Hellllllllllo wrestling fans…I’m Billlll Buckley and welcome to another edition of CSWA PRIMETIME! We’re live on July 4th from the Pepsi Center in Denver!
SB: Against our wills. Millions have died protecting our freedoms, hell, millions even trying to deprive us of it, but apparently Thomas is a heartless bastard who doesn’t believe in honoring their rotting bodies with a day of remembrance.
BB: Hey that’s not true. A Vietnam vet sang the national anthem tonight.
SB: Come on Buckley, its not like Martin Luther King’s birthday. This is a real holiday. Even the public schools in the south get out for this one. We shouldn’t be here entertaining the ‘too far above sea level’ masses. That’s what Blockbuster is for, of whom by the way are issuing a free rental with any CSWA ticket stub brought in. As I was saying, it’s not like sending Pops out to get a $3 movie, free if you have a stub. Honest, hard working people are being hurt tonight. Instead of watching the “Porky’s” marathon on AMC tonight, I’m here, half-lit with a finger up my…
BB: STOP IT!
SB: I was promised fireworks, Buckley. Not that cheap (CENSOR) Gethard tapes to his bare chest and ignites on tours of the Towers back in Greensboro, but the kind of junk you have to travel to Mexico, and steal from poor, broken Hispanics.
BB: Oh geez…
SB: In other words, it’s July 4th. Somebody needs to DIE tonight for any of this to be significant.
BB: Thank you Sammy Benson for that speech, a portion of which was ripped right from Lincoln’s Gettsyburg Address.
SB: And you said I had no range…
BB: Proven wrong, yet again. Folks, thanks for joining us tonight, as I said, we are LIVE from Denver! And ignore Sammy’s manic-depressive rantings, he’s stroked to be here!
SB: I would if Thomas had followed my request to have Ivy into the booth with us, with action. Two things. I’m not getting any younger, and I’ve already put in enough time with that (CENSOR.) At some point she owes me a good run.
BB: Poison Ivy is one of, if not the backbone of this company, and a sweet, classy young lady. I will not have you…
SB: Your saw her walk into the Center tonight, right?
BB: (perplexed) Yes…
SB: You saw what she was wearing…
BB: Sammy I’m a married man, please.
SB: Which is why you need to tap that more than I do…
BB: Oh for Pete’s sake…
SB: Pete won’t help you mount that Colt, but I can. Over ten years with her in this company…don’t you think I know the right combination of prescription drugs mixed discreetly in a drink to get her sloppy drunk? And I’m not talking Mrs. Buckley on Christmas Eve drunk, I mean, pillow fight, vault turned gossip queen, somebody’s wearing wet panties and it’s not her drunk.
BB: Oh good grief. (beat) Ahem. Fans, great show for you tonight. Dan Ryan and High Flyer meet AGAIN to see who fills the forth semi-final spot at ANNIVERSARY! And…
SB: Buckley you’re sweating.
BB: It’s…hot in here Sammy. Ryan/Flyer, plus… (Buckley fumbles through some papers.) much more.
BB: Just a few minutes ago, this Pepsi Center crowd saw Jason Payne defeat Alisha Davis to move on to the finals of the Presidential Tournament at CSWA17. He'll face off against the winner of the Jay Phoenix/Minion match that we'll see later tonight. Also, Kin Hiroshi defeated Logic in their "Champion's Challenge" match. Kin will face the winner of the Steve Radder/JA match at CSWA17, with the winner earning a shot at the United States Championship. Here are some highlights from those two...
SB: Screw the highlights. This company’s a few million in debt. Advertising. Show a freakin’ commercial. Needless to say, somebody who probably won’t be in this company two months from now, beat someone in the same boat. And we’re still working on the 4th of July. Commercial, now, luv.
BB: Fans, we’ll be right back with CSWA PRIMETIME!
Seems like some people don’t like hearing me speak. Well too f------ bad.
(As PRIMETIME comes back from commercial, and before Buckley can even get a word out...)Pro Wrestling's Phenomenon
"I didn't have to come to the CSWA to be a Superstar..."
Vince walked through the curtains wearing a tan Armani suit and his Gucci sunglasses. He instantly heard a series of boos blending with his music as a smirk came across his face.
"...I brought my spotlight with me."
CSWAvision flickered, showing a series of clips that highlighted various clips of SVJ in action.
"The bank accounts is thick and his pockets is fat
Peep the smirk on his face when he watchin' you tap
A 3-Count or submission, which steez you wanna go?
Cuz this (bleep) right here's the reason there's a show!"
SVJ climbed into the ring and posed for the fans as the jeers erupted. He smirked as the Denver fans continued with the disrespect of the final four participants in the Unified Championship Title tourney. Jacobs was handed a mic as he was about to address the CSWA fans.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, sluts and rednecks of all ages. I am here for your viewing pleasure. It seems this place can’t get anything right when it comes to this little tournament that I find myself in.”
Vince paused for a second.
“We have to sit through another snooze fest between two men who couldn’t get it right the first time. It happened with Boogie and Rabesque. Now you poor fans are subjected to Ryan and Flyer part deux. See, when a match of this caliber happens, no one wins. You fans lose out, but I am here to change all that because like I disposed of Boogie last week, I will dispose of the next person that I have to face in the Final Four.”
Jacobs walked around the ring.
“Just because the announcement was made this week about the Final Four participants not knowing who their opponents will be doesn’t mean a thing to a superstar like me. It doesn’t matter who I have to face because like I said on day one, I Vince Jacobs will become the new UNIFIED Heavyweight Champion.”
Jacobs took his sunglasses off and placed them on his jacket.
“Let’s look at the people who are left in this tournament. First we have High Flyer, a man that I have been in many battles with. A man that I know very, very well. Listen up Jack; you know that nothing stands in my way when I want something, when I crave something. And the UNIFIED Title is something I am craving right now among other things. So if you happen to make it past the big man Dan Ryan then I will welcome another battle between the two of us. I’m going to beat your ass but I still welcome the battle.”
Jacobs smiled as the fans jeered.
“Next man is High Flyer’s opponent for tonight, Mr. Dan Ryan. Now should I show the former CSWA World Champion respect after all he hasn’t shown the "Reason there is a Show" the same respect, so I guess I will say respect is gone. Dan you my friend think that I like to hear myself speak, or that I am an egomaniac correct. Well guess what ‘Ego Buster’.” Vince smirked. “When you are as talented as I am then you underlings should hang on every single word I say because there lies truth in what I speak. I have noticed that people here in the CSWA don’t take to kindly on the truth but SVJ is here to speak it. Ryan you may be big and tough but you have never faced anyone like me in your lifetime. I am well aware of your escapades in GXW, CSWA, and even SCW. So yes I know a little something about Dan Ryan. But that doesn’t alter the fact that you my friend may be standing in my way to Unified gold. So just like I told Jack, nothing will stand in my way as I continue to run rough shot through this tournament.”
Jacobs leaned on the turnbuckle as he continued.
“Let’s see who do we have left, hmm… How about Mr. Vacant? The man behind the mask. The man that will be the downfall of the CSWA and all its illustrious achievements. I just really hate the big tough guys who hide behind things. Might be something you want to tell us, huh Vacant.” Jacobs said with a fake yawn.
“If that’s not the biggest crock of bull(bleep) that I’ve ever seen in my life then I don’t know what is. Vacant is a real man right folks, he hides behind a mask so we all can be shocked and surprised when he finally realizes that no one gives a rat’s ass who he is under the mask. I could care less. What makes Vacant any different from the other men in this tournament? Hell he will be laying flat on his back looking at the lights like Boogie and Logic were if he faced moi. The only difference is that he will be looking through a mask so these fans will not see his teary eyed pain stricken face as I, Pro Wrestling’s Phenomenon moves on to bigger and better things.”
“Now I know that last week SHOWTIME went off the air before you fans could see who won the main event between Troy Windham and Alias. Let me save you all your hard earned money. Because I know that the powers that be planned to air that footage here tonight. So you guys don’t have to sit here and look at the carnage, and brutality that match caused. You mothers and fathers can take your young children and get them some popcorn and a soda, because I will tell you who won that match.”
Jacobs let out a deep breath.
“And the winner of that match was… YOU FANS. Because you didn’t have to sit through that televised garbage.” Jacobs laughed.
“Hell, it was so boring that half the workers and fans left the arena while those two were still battling. It tears my heart up to see you fans demoralized with no entertainment. It sickens me to see people like Alias and Troy Windham get main event status because Alias likes it hard and fast and Windham likes using his mouth in more ways than one. So since I didn’t stick around to see the worst match in CSWA history I will let you guys in on a little secret. Alias is a punk and he’s my (bleep) to boot. I have been knocking him around for the past two years effortlessly and as my boy Boogie would say, it ain’t no thang to do it again.”
“You folks didn’t know that Vince Jacobs was fluent in many languages.” Jacobs continued to smile as the fans jeered him like mad.
“But seriously folks this tournament has been a joke so far. I was invited to a tournament where some of the biggest names in wrestling was supposed to be competing but I have been stuck with amateurs. It’s a shame that this is all CSWA has given me. I’m a little… hmm... what’s the word I’m looking for. INSULTED!! Come CSWA17 you will all be worshipping me as your new GOD AND SAVIOR of the CSWA, the man that will become the UNIFIED Heavyweight Champion and I don’t care if I have to go through Vacant, Ryan, Flyer, Alias, or Windham to get it.”
“It all boils down to one thing, I’M NOT THE SHOWSTOPPER; OR THE WHOLE F’N SHOW, I’M THE REASON THERE IS A SHOW!! And don’t you...”
Stopping the Show... For a Reason
(“Black Superman” by Above The Law cranks up in the arena.)
SVJ: You've gotta be kid--
(The lights go out and camera flashes begin going off. The lights come back on and Boogie Smallz is standing behind Vince Jacobs and holding what appears to be a six foot bong.)
SVJ: I'm about as happy to see you as all these people are. Did we all forget you've got another little match with the Canadian or something?
(Boogie mocks Jacobs behind his back and then grabs a microphone from his back pocket.)
BOOGIE: (Clearing his throat.) Yo Vin Man…remember me?
(SVJ looks slightly concerned but shrugs it off.)
BOOGIE: Well I’ll give ya plenty of reason to remember me after tonight.
(Boogie walks behind Vince and turns the bong upside down…covering Jacobs in bong water. As SVJ turns around, Boogie cracks him over the head with the six foot bong…shattering it across SVJ’s face. Jacobs hits the mat, stunned and starting to bleed from his forehead.)
BOOGIE: Vince, ya took sumthin’ from me that I wanted more than anythang...at shot at tha UNIFIED World title. So guess what…it’s time for me to get even… (bleep)! I ain’t tha one to be made a fool of! I ain’t tha one!
(Boogie spits on SVJ’s and pumps his fist in the air. The crowd cheers in approval and “Black Superman” cuts back on. The camera gets in Boogie’s face and he shoves it out of the way as he makes his way to the back. In the ring, SVJ climbs to his feet and stares down Boogie's image on CSWAvision as blood streams down his face from the cut in his forehead.)
SB: You've gotta be kidding me. Boogie just signed his death warrant.
BB: Folks, I PROMISE, right after this break, we'll see all of Alias vs. Troy Windham. I promise!
UNIFIED World Tournament Quarterfinals
Alias vs. Troy Windham
(As PRIMETIME comes back from commercial, we fade into a different arena. A caption at the bottom of the screen advises: SHOWTIME in Portland, UNIFIED Quarterfinal: Alias vs. Troy Windham.)
BB: And now, folks, here is a match I know that I’ve been waiting for all week. These two men have had quite a heated war of words -- and mostly, surprisingly, about men’s fashion.
SB: No one looks as good as Troy Diggiddy, Bill! He’s the apex of men’s fashion for this year, a GQ cover boy and a playboy. What was Alias thinking, trying to wear a suit and talk shop with Sweetwater’s most fab-o son?
BB: Well, I think Alias was probably a little ticked off when Troy had a truckload of expensive suits from 2001 dumped on his front lawn. But this isn’t a fashion show -- it’s wrestling! And Alias, a lot of folks believe, is the best in the world!
(CUE UP: The familiar drums of “Sympathy for the Devil” by the Rolling Stones. Alias comes walking out, dead-eyes of intensity, under the stage as lazer lights shoot off around him. A group of fans on the upper deck hold up placards that spell out T-H-E-P-U-L-P-O-R-I-G-I-N-A-L. Alias continues his serious walk to the ring.)
BB: Alias in the ring, a look of intensity on his face.
SB: Two wins away from being the Champ. How can you not be intense?
(CUT TO: The CSWAvision video wall. It shows a shot of oceanfront property. CUE UP: “Beverly Hills” by Weezer. CUT TO: Troy Windham, wearing black short-trunks with a gold crown on the back, saying “CSWAKING” on a vanity plate airbrushed on his ass. He’s flanked by The Mysterious Zoltan -- oiled, shirtless, wearing fur-boots and steel chains. And in a wheelchair, with a bandana on his head, wearing a T-Shirt that reads “YOU THOUGHT WRONG.” is August De La Rossi. Troy and the Entourage make their way to ringside as Troy points at various fans, most of whom are booing. August stops to jeer with a fan holding an American flag.)
SB: The Greatest Show on Earth! Troy Windham and The Entourage! My personal pick to win this entire she-bang. One of… NO… *THE* greatest of all-time!
BB: Will you give it a break? He’s not putting you on his pay-roll?
SB: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? A boy can dream!
BB: Windham FINALLY makes it inside the ring. He’s smirking at Alias, who is wringing his hands, smirking right back. Referee Ben Worthington rings the bell… and this match is on! Alias and Troy circling each other. They go for a lock-up -- NO! Troy backs out of it to do The Fargo Strut!
SB: HA! What a dance step!
BB: The only people applauding this are you and August. Everyone else in this arena is booing Troy’s nonsense. And now they lock up again -- NO! Troy backs away and is now -- OH WILL YOU COME ON WITH IT! August is holding up a vanity mirror and Troy is checking his hair in it!
SB: When you look that good, you ALWAYS have to look good! This match, for Troy, is about his fashion sense. It isn’t just about winning a title. It’s about telling the world how fab-oh he is!
AUGUST: Your hair is magnifique, boss! I wish my hair looked that good!
BB: Now Troy and Alias AGAIN for a lock up-- NO! Troy backs out again! Troy is shaking his head… and not he’s asking for the house mic! Worthington is backing Alias up, who is infuriated!
TROY: (tapping the mic) Listen, a man of my high culture and good looks isn’t going to risk a downgrade on the latest Best Week Ever to wrestle in front of 15,000 pieces of white trash in tank tops and beat up dungarees! Worthington, I’m not wrestling this match until you get down on your hands and knees and polish this ring with disinfectant and you tell that maggot to wear a pair of rubber gloves! I am NOT going to get sick with his cooties! (August is holding up a can of disinfectant telling Worthington to “fetch it..”)
SB: Good! Way to stand up for your rights, Troy! August is a union organizer and knows how to win causes for justice!
BB: Will you get with it? This is patently ridiculous. Is Windham scared or something? Alias did beat Mike Randalls last week in a shocker. Worthington is telling Troy his demands are, of course, out of line. And now he’s COMMANDING they lock up.
SB: Don’t give in to the man, Troy!
BB: Again they lock up! NO! Troy backs away -- ALIAS MEETS HIM WITH A SLAP ACROSS THE FACE! Troy is stunned and swings -- ALIAS WITH A HIP TOSS! And now another! Troy gets up and swings -- NO! He’s met with a head butt to the nose! And now a knee to the ribs! And now an elbow to the top of the head!
SB: What! What! He’s attacking the man’s livelihood, Buckley!
BB: Alias calls that the “Click Click Boom.” Troy down and Alias above him like a bird of prey -- but Troy rolls outside.
AUGUST: TIME OUT! TIME OUT!
BB: Troy trying to call time out here… Worthington keeping Alias at bay. Troy now shakes the cobwebs loose. He is REALLY holding that neck. And now he looks at the crowd…
SB: A SECOND FARGO STRUT! THIS IS OUR LUCKY NIGHT!
BB: Oh, this is ludicrous! This guy should get points deducted or something. Is he high? And now… now Troy again has that tiny vanity mirror and is now primping his hair.
WORTHINGTON: ONEE… TWOOO… THREEE…
TROY: Just one second, Benny! Gotta get the part just right!
BB: Troy, though, is holding his neck. I think Alias might have hurt it with that elbow to the neck after that devastating combo he landed. And Troy does have a bad neck.
SB: Buckley, Troy is trying to see what he can do physically. He saw Alias had an upper hand and is now taking his sweet time outside the ring to try and see what he can do to equalize things. And frankly, the man deserves it for all he has done for this industry! And for the UPN Network!
BB: Troy now on the ring apron. He now turns to the crowd and Troy… Troy is now stomping his feet on the apron! August claps along rhythmically. Troy trying to rally the fans --
CROWD: WINDHAM SUCKS! WINDHAM SUCKS! WINDHAM SUCKS!
BB: And now Troy… Troy looks like he’s about to cry! A little bit of a sad clown right there… not the reaction he was expecting from that!
SB: THAT MAN IS A CABLE ACE AWARD WINNER! HOW DARE YOU FANS JEER HIM!
BB: Troy now FINALLY back in the ring. We’re at the seven minute mark and we’ve had about 15 seconds of action. All thanks to Troy Windham’s cowardice. Alias goes after Troy -- Troy with a thumb to the eye! And now he has Alias -- Irish Whip -- NO! REVERSAL! TROY INTO THE CORNER! ALIAS CATCHES HIM-- TEXTBOOK GERMAN SUPLEX RIGHT ON TROY’S HEAD!
CROWD: ALE LEE AS! ALE LEE AS!
BB: Alias holds onto the waistlock! Troy with an elbow-- Alias ducks under… AND A PICTURE PERFECT RELEASE BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX! WHAT A SERIES OF MOVES!
SB: Oh no… Troy is REALLY in pain! He’s holding that neck of his!
BB: Troy trying to climb out the ropes again, but this time Alias grabs him by the waist and throws The Boy Troy back into the ring! Alias with a stomp! And another! Alias now hoists Troy up with a side headlock… He spins and lifts -- IMPACT DDT! COVER! ONE! TWO! NO! Troy kicks out!
SB: That move came out of nowhere… what agility Alias has!
BB: Alias again has the side headlock on Troy. And he again hoists Troy -- Troy tries to block it, NO! ALIAS SPINS AROUND! DIAMOND CUTTER! ONE! TWO! THRENO! TROY GOT A FOOT ON THE ROPES!
SB: This guy Alias… he’s going right for Troy’s neck! That ain’t fair!
BB: And he’s taking a page out of Windham’s playbook. Quick-hitting, high-impact moves that can end a match at anytime! This crowd is REALLY rallying behind him now! Troy is crawling, holding that neck of his. He’s saying something to Worthington about it but Worthington shakes him off. Alias drops an elbow right towards that neck. And Windham SCREAMS in pain! And look at August -- is he worried or what!
SB: He’s not just worried about his boss, Bill. He’s also worried that the G-8 Leaders won’t listen to the words of Bono regarding the growing debt of sub-Saharan Africa.
BB: Alias now has Troy-- snap suplex! Alias pops the hips and rolls Windham over -- He bends Troy back by the neck -- half-nelson, dragon-clutch combo? He almost has this hooked -- NO! August just pulled Troy’s boot so Troy’s bodyweight collapsed under him! Alias now yelling at Worthington about August, but Worthington’s back was turned to the angst-ridden art student!
SB: This doesn’t look good, Buckley. Troy’s SCREAMING, kicking on the mat, holding that neck. He’s saying something to August.
TROY: The towel! I want you to throw in the towel!
BB: Windham is apparently in a WORLD of hurt and is asking for his corner to throw in the towel! Alias drops an elbow right on his neck again! Alias now picks Troy up and whips him into the corner… Troy bounces off… Alias behind -- Half-Nelson… spin… AND A RELEASE FULL-NELSON GERMAN SUPLEX! RIGHT ON TROY’S HEAD! But Troy bounces right back up… NOOO!
BB: WINDHAM GRABBED HIS NECK AND FELL DOWN LIKE A SACK OF BRICKS! Eli Flair, years ago in their legendary series of cage matches, PULVERIZED that neck and sent Troy out for months! Troy is out cold! Worthington looks at Troy -- NO! THAT ZOLTAN IS ON THE APRON, TRYING TO GET IN THE RING! WORTHINGTON RUNS OVER TO STOP HIM! Alias charges Zoltan -- LEAPING KNEE SENDS ZOLTAN OFF THE MAT! ZOLTAN TRYING TO GET BACK UP! ZOLTAN IS HOLDING ONTO WORTHINGTON, SCREAMING AT HIM!
SB: What’s that smell?
BB: August De La Rossi has that disinfectant and is spraying his bandana covering his stitches he received at the last NFW show… that smell is PUNGENT! And… oh no, this is a set-up!
SB: Oh, this is brilliant!
BB: Troy is fine! He reaches and August hands Troy that bandana… Troy again playing dead… and now Alias goes towards Troy… TROY STUFFS THAT BANDANA RIGHT IN ALIAS’ FACE! THAT’S SOME SORT OF KNOCKOUT GAS! ALIAS JUST FELL OUT COLD!
SB: He must have slipped! I didn’t see anything!
BB: Windham now still laying down like he suffered a spinal injury. Worthington turns around. Troy crawls to Alias and covers…. ONE! TWO! THREE! This was a TRAVESTY of injustice!
SB: IT’S A MIRACLE! IT’S A MIRACLE!
BB: Troy Windham… who hit exactly ZERO moves this entire farce of a match… pretended to suffer a serious neck and spinal cord injury… and used that to have his flunkies run interference and knock out Alias. Alias should be in the semi-finals! This is a SHAM.
CROWD: WINDHAM SUCKS! WINDHAM SUCKS!
SB: By hook or by crook, Buckley. Windham used his ultimate advantage tonight, Buckley.
BB: I dare ask what that is…
SB: His acting ability! He didn’t just set Alias up, he set Worthington up and all these rube fans… the man is a conceptual genius and is a SHOE-IN to win the whole thing!
(FADE OUT... and back in to Buckley and Benson in Denver.)
BB: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a former CSWA World Champion.
SB: And it's why you've got to love him...even though he's a Windham.
BB: Troy is here tonight, and while he's declined to come out to the ring, he has graciously agreed to give us some comments from the back.
SB: Maybe he doesn't like the way Denver smells. They say it's the altitude, I say it's the...
(CUT TO: The back. TROY WINDHAM stands in front of a CSWA17 banner. Troy's hair is artfully messy, he has on dark-framed sunglasses and is wearing a black pin-striped suit jacket over a white dress shirt, no tie, matching pants, Cole Haan shoes, no socks. Troy has a mic with a cord attached to it and is smirking.)
TROY: You see, this what I've been telling you folks this entire time. This is what I've been saying about myself FOR MY ENTIRE CAREER. When you've been blessed and lucky enough to have more talent in your pinkie toe then most nations have in their entire populace...this is what you get. A fine, REAL European cut suit. A pair of fiiiiiiive hundred dollar sunglasses. Not one, not two, but THREE personal hairdressers. And a birth into the CSWA Semi-Finals, two wins away from fulfilling my destiny and becoming... ONCE AGAIN... the top dog in this promotion. The man who is going to be RESPONSIBLE for taking this league BACK to its great heights and BACK to the forefront of this industry.
And I'm so damn good, all I need to get where I belong is a few things. I don't need a fancy, elaborate camera set-up. My good looks and cunning verbal wit are good enough to make all these people here in this arena pay money to see me perform. All I need is a microphone in my hand and a two-bit public address system and each and every fan sitting in the arena and sitting and ringside mark out like I'm Moses showing the Commandments. And I don't need to know 55,000 special Japanese video game wrestling holds to beat my opponents. Hell -- (Troy cackles.) I don't even need *A* wrestling hold to beat my opponents. And each and every one of you are going to learn what is the key to success in this industry. The key to MY success. To MY domination. You see -- I'M SMARTER THAN EVERYONE. My brain is bigger, my vision is grander and my destiny is more important. And until someone comes along and is able to get the master of human chess in checkmate... or someone is able to figure out a way to outshine the man who has stolen every wrestling show this industry has had to offer the past three months... the man who is the most sought after, recognized and greatest superstar in this industry today... then you'll all be competing for second best.
Because I am Troy Windham. I am Mister CSWA. I am the KING of all wrestling. And everyone else... WOOO! (Troy does a little dance, takes off his sunglasses and tosses them in the air, 360's and runs his fingers through his hair) is just a PRETENDER... TO MY THRONE!
(Troy struts off. Fade to announcers.)
BB: We've received word that Stephen Thomas will have an announcement released on CSWAwrestling.com later tonight regarding the Windham/Alias match that will affect the CSWA17 ANNIVERSARY pay-per-view. We'll be right back.
A fan from a different....point of view.
(Fadein, inside the Pepsi Center, Denver, Colorado. Fans are filing into the arena as a figure stands facing away from the camera, but looks up at the arena around him. As fans continue to file in the rows behind him. The figure shows a smile beginning to form at the corner of his mouth as he leans down over the front row railing to sip his soda.)
MYSTERYMAN: So this is what it's like to be a fan of the CSWA, huh? A TRUE BLUE, DIE HARD fan??
(The figure nods in approval.)
MM: I can get used to---WHAT THE (bleep)?!?!?!!!
(A small boy accidentally bumps into the figure, spilling over half of his soda and chili-cheese fries all over the seat of the figure's pants.)
MM: SON OF A (bleep)!!
Cameron Cruise vs. Reagan Jones
BB: Welcome back fans! CSWA PRIMETIME rolls on! Sammy, we’re just a couple weeks away from ANNIVERSARY 17: Rebirth!
SB: How appropriate. Little know fact Buckley, in this company’s heyday, (CENSOR) and Thomas employed a Vet to name the Big Event shows. Poor guy. Lost his right leg and a couple front teeth in the Korean War.
SB: Stop what? Hey, it sounds bad, right? But, Frank went on to ghost write a MASH episode, later using that good fortune to name CSWA flagship shows. (beat) Sorry, I thought I could swing that in an amusing direction, but I’ve got nothing.
BB: I see.
SB: But hey, for CSWA trivia buffs…Christmas has come early.
BB: A perfect setup to hype Rebirth, wasted.
SB: Well that sums up my life. Thanks Buckley.
BB: Fans, lets go to the ring. Where Cameron Cruise is set to take on CSWA newcomer Reagan Jones!
SB: Both men already in the ring, because well air time is precious. Be rest assured though that Jones hails from someplace on Earth, his head’s too big for his body, and his parents wanted him to become a doctor, or lawyer. Cruise, you know the story sadly. Raised at birth by a pack of roaming, freelance circus monkeys, he likes “The Bob Newhart Show”, the patron Saint of lost causes, and chocolate.
BB: Sammy you know good and well that’s not true.
SB: Right. Cruise is allergic to chocolate.
BB: Cameron Cruise and Reagan Jones both reach in for a collar and elbow tie-up as Cruise shifts over to a side-headlock. Jones moves Cruise over to the ropes as he uses the ropes to push Cruise off, sending him to the other side of the ring.
SB: Jones has super strength! Why wasn’t this on his media one-sheet? I need to know these things, Nancy.
BB: Cruise hops over Jones, stops short, grabs Jones by the back of the neck, neckbreaker!!! Regan telegraphed that one slightly and the veteran Cruise made him pay!
SB: The veteran Cruise. Wow. Say that ten times fast. Who would have ever thought Cameron would have lasted this long. Seriously, why don’t more companies fire the man? He’s like wrestling’s version of Mr. Met, huh?
BB: Cruise up and bringing Jones to his feet! Snap suplex by Cameron! Jones up and he ducks a clothesline by Cruise! Knife-edge chops by Jones!
SB: The kid’s done his homework. Cruise was pinned by a series of chops in his CSWA debut match.
SB: Who knows. You think Cruise’s debut was televised? I’m sure Rudy’s got home video of it in his vault, but men have traveled into that vault and never returned. Rumor has it Seizter has video of Piggy and Kermie’s wedding night.
BB: Oh geez.
(Jones brings Cruise to his knees with a spin kick to the abdomen. Calling for a piledriver, Jones lifts him up only for Cruise to lean forward and roll over his back for a sunset flip, and a two count.)
SB: You’re telling me. Ever imagine how a pig and a frog…
SB: Point being, now you don’t have to.
BB: I’d like to keep it that way. Both men up, Reagan clotheslines Cruise! The former Presidential champion nearly lost his head! Jones stomping away at Cameron’s neck! Mercedes is livid!
SB: Finally, some emotion out of her. I wonder if she’s this cold in bed? Pity Cameron Cruise. Pity the man freely.
BB: SITOUT POWERBOMB by Jones, this could be his first victory in the CSWA! ONE….TWO……..NO! Cameron Cruise with a sign of life!
SB: He kicked out. Let’s not read more into it than what’s there.
BB: Jones bounces off the ropes, elbow drop, NO---Cruise rolls out of the way! Cameron to his feet, leg drop over Jones’ nose! It may be broken, Sammy!
SB: There goes his scat porn career.
BB: Cruise looks irritated…
SB If you had his career record in the CSWA, you would be too…
BB: You owe me….Cameron climbing the top turnbuckle…he’s met by Jones!!! Reagan, setting up…this may be the end of a good night’s work for Cruise…SUPERPLEX!! That one hurt Jones as much as it did Cruise!
SB: And this match at the five-minute mark, is hurting all of us. NOBODY WINS!
BB: Reagan, the CSWA rookie crawling to Cruise…an arm’s laid over Cameron’s still body. Troutman counts, ONE….TWO……TH-NO!! Cruise again, showing heart!
SB: It’s the groundwork he’s done on Carnival cruises for Melton. It’s paying off. Modern-day slavery has its moments, Buckley.
BB: Shut up. Cameron staved off the end, but Jones has Lady Mo’ on his side!
SB: Lady Mo’. Is she the family member that visits Ivy every month, turning her into a right (censor)?
BB: Reagan Jones, he’s wasting no time Sammy! He can taste that first victory in the CSWA and he’s going for it! Jones to the top turnbuckle! He gives a thumbs down to the crowd…
SB: I have for years.
BB: He’s calling for the end!
SB: Good man, this Reagan Jones.
(Suddenly a familiar face hops the isle shoves Jones off the top, causing Reagan to hit the mat inadvertently.)
BB: WHAT!! What just happened!
SB: Some punk kid just got himself arrested. Where’s Gethard?
(CUTTO: Backstage. CSWA VP and Chief Security Officer Gregg Gethard wearing a black t-shirt with the words “Han Shot First”, takes a bite out of a snow cone as a PA nervously watches.)
GREGG GETHARD: What is this? WHAT IS THIS?! LIME! LIME!!! I didn’t order Lime!
(Gethard shoves the Icee in the kid’s face.)
GREGG GETHARD: Cherry red! Let’s try it again Mongo!
(CUTTO: The match)
BB: Security, please! Jones going after the kid! This is a lawsuit waiting to happen!
SB: It’ll also be the first time this match has had a pulse.
BB: Jones has the kid by the shirt-collar! It’s a twelve year-old kid!! (huge crowd pop) Cruise!! Cameron…
(Cruise yanks Jones back the other way into a waiting Inverted Russian-legsweep, something Cruise likes to call a "Reality Check".)
BB: REALITY CHECK!! No! (bigger pop) The cover…ONE…..TWO…..THREE!! Cameron Cruise wins tonight!!
SB: If I had a dime for every time you said that…
(The twelve year-old kid rolls under the ropes, stepping over Jones body to hug Cruise.)
BB: Cameron putting the kid on his shoulders! What is going on here?! Is that? YES! That’s the same kid who cost Shamon in his match against Cruise! It’s…it’s the Make-A-Wish Cancer Patient!
SB: And some of you thought a new low wasn’t possible….ha!
BB: This is just wrong.
SB: I have to give Cruise credit. He’s being a role-model to the kid.
BB: Oh please.
SB: Hey, that’s the idea! For whatever reason, this poor child’s hero is Cameron Cruise…and hats off to Cameron for bonding.
BB: I don’t think Make-A-Wish had cheating Reagan Jones out of his debut in mind when they signed the waiver.
SB: And Shamon.
Presidential Tournament Semifinal
Minion vs. Jay Phoenix
(Coming back from commercial, Rhubarb Jones is introducing the next two competitors in the match – but apparently Sammy has something to say, so we only hear it in the background.)
SB: Did I just see a twelve-year old terminally ill kid interfere in a match?
BB: I think so.
SB: Cameron Cruise finally has somebody smarter than him in charge of his career. You wouldn’t have thought it would be that hard, but… there it is. I wonder how long the kid has left, cause as the CSWA’s usual pace… he might not make it to the pay-per-view!
SB: It’s not my fault the kid’s dying. You act like I crawled up in his body and gave him leukaemia.
BB: Stop it right now!
SB: Or an enlarged heart… or whatever’s wrong with the kid!
BB: Fans, I apologize.
SB: For what!?
BB: Let’s go to the ring. The winner of this semifinal moves on to CSWA17 against Jason Payne to determine who will be the next Presidential Champion!
(The two slowly start to circle and their outstretched hands are inches apart. Both are looking for an opening to grab the other, but none comes. The two continue to circle.)
BB: They’re still in the feeling-out stage here. Neither of these men has ever faced the other.
SB: Feeling out? And you tell me to watch it?
(Minion runs at Phoenix and Phoenix grabs his arm and takes him to the mat with an arm drag takedown. Phoenix pops up to his feet and nods at Minion, who has a rather angry look on his face.)
BB: Nice take down by Phoenix, but both men are on their feet right away.
(Minion rushes at Phoenix again, but with the same result, as Phoenix arm drags Minion to the mat. Minion gets up slowly, rubbing his arm with that angry look on his face.)
BB: Minion may have come into this one a little overconfident.
SB: Or Phoenix might just be lucky. Who knows.
(This time, Minion slowly walks towards Phoenix and locks up. Phoenix holds his ground against the larger Minion, but Minion grabs Phoenix by the hair and yanks him to the mat. Minion then drops an elbow across the chest and goes for a quick pin.)
BB: Phoenix out quickly at two! Both men back up on their feet!
(Phoenix is up to his feet just as quickly as Minion, but Minion drives Phoenix back towards the ropes with force. Minion whips Phoenix to the other side, and as Phoenix comes off, Minion leaps into the air and catches him square in the jaw with a dropkick.)
BB: Textbook dropkick right there sends Phoenix down hard! The big man can obviously leave his feet!
SB: Think he’ll leave the ring too?
(Minion gets up to his feet and pulls Jay up with him. Minion tosses Phoenix into the corner and then reaches his arm way back and nails Phoenix across the chest with a knife edge chop that echoes throughout the arena.)
BB: You could hear that one even in the cheap seats.
SB: It’s Denver – they’re used to cheap.
(Minion nails Phoenix with several more knife-edge chops, then grabs him and whips him back into the ropes. Minion catches Phoenix coming off the ropes and spins around, planting Phoenix on the mat with a spine buster. Minion holds onto Phoenix’s tights for the pin…)
BB: Phoenix out at two and half, just before Ben Worthington’s hand comes down the third time!
(Minion pops up to his feet and heads to the top rope. Minion waits for Phoenix to get to his feet.)
SB: Minion going for it all early. Just not early enough. END IT!
(As Phoenix gets to his feet, Minion leaps off the top rope. Phoenix leaps into the air and nails Minion with a dropkick to the stomach. Both men hit the mat hard.)
BB: Huge mistake by Minion. He was in full control, but went for too much, too early.
(Phoenix lays on the mat for a few seconds then gets up to his feet. As Phoenix reaches his feet, Minion reaches his knees. Phoenix grabs Minion by the head and pulls him the rest of the way up and whips him towards the ropes. Phoenix charges at Minion and leaps into the air as Minion reaches the ropes and drives a knee right into the face of Minion. Minion goes tumbling over the top rope.)
BB: Minion hitting the floor hard.
SB: He just threw him over the top rope, DQ him ref!!!
BB: Not going to happen. Worthington rules that it wasn’t intentional.
(Phoenix backs up to and the referee starts to count. As Minion gets up to his feet, Phoenix charges the ropes and leaps over the top rope and nails Minion with a suicide plancha. Minion is driven back into the guardrail by the force, then slumps against it.)
BB: Huge high-risk move just paid off for Phoenix. But the mark of a champion is whether he can follow up!
(Phoenix grabs Minion and tosses him back into the ring. Phoenix climbs up onto the apron and again waits for Minion to get to his feet.)
SB: Watch out Minion, he's got something up his sleeve!! I’m not sure why I care…
BB: ‘Cause that’s how you get your paycheck?
SB: Oh yeah.
(As Minion gets to his feet, Phoenix jumps up onto the rope and springboards off it and catches Minion with a hurricanrana which he holds onto for the pin..........
SB: NO!!!!!!!!!! Minion got his shoulder up at the last second. That was way too close.
BB: Phoenix firing on all cylinders.
(Phoenix pops to his feet and climbs through the ropes and then climbs up to the top rope. As he gets there, Minion dives and hits the top rope knocking Phoenix down hard as he straddles the top turnbuckle.)
SB: Oooooh that has got to hurt. Mrs. Phoenix won’t be too happy tonight. What am I talking about… the man’s obviously…
BB: SHUT IT!
(Minion slowly makes his way to the corner, and climbs up to the middle rope. Minion grabs Phoenix around the waist and both men stand up on the top turnbuckle. Minion lifts Phoenix off and sends him over the top and down with a release overhead belly to belly.)
BB: Great move by Minion, but he is slow to capitalize on it.
(Minion slowly rolls over and drapes and arm across the chest of Phoenix)
SB: Good grief! Didn’t I say to END IT!
BB: Phoenix out BARELY before the three count from Worthington.
(Minion gets up to his feet and Phoenix isn't too far behind. As Phoenix kicks to his feet, Minion tries to kick him in the stomach, but Phoenix is able to catch his foot. Minion hops on one foot for several seconds then jumps into the air and nails Phoenix in the side of the head with an enzuigiri.)
SB: Did you hear that hollow thud?
BB: Yeah, what a kick!
SB: Oh good – I thought I had had a stroke and hit the floor hard.
(Minion pulls Phoenix to his feet and grabs him from behind. Minion picks up Phoenix and takes him over the top with a German suplex and holds on and rolls to his side then brings both of them up to their feet just to do it again. Phoenix hits hard on the back of the head. Again Minion gets up to his feet still holding onto Phoenix. Once he gets up to his feet, he sends Phoenix over the top for a third time with a German suplex. This time Minion bridges up and holds on for the pin)
SB: So close! Where’s that twelve year old? Let’s get him in there again to end this thing.
(Phoenix gets his right shoulder up just before the three count. Minion is quickly back to his feet and pulls and moves to the side of him and then drops him to the mat with a side Russian leg sweep. Minion looks out to the crowd and starts to yell at a fan in the first row.)
BB: Minion better worry less about the fans and more about Phoenix. He’s letting the stress of this match get to him.
(Minion grabs the legs of Phoenix and the crowd pops as Minion steps through for a sharpshooter. Phoenix is fighting it and Minion really has to struggle to turn it. After about fifteen seconds of fighting it, Minion gets Phoenix onto his stomach and sits way back with it.)
BB: Phoenix in mid-ring. He has no hope of getting to those ropes.
(Phoenix starts to push himself up into the air, but Minion pulls back harder and Phoenix slams face first on the mat.)
SB: Trying to over power it? Is he nuts? Minion has damn near fifty pounds on him, and he wants to power out? This man is another dim bulb isn’t he? As if we didn’t have enough already.
(Again Phoenix starts to crawl towards the ropes, but again Minion puts a quick stop to that. As Phoenix hits the mat again his eyes close, and looks to be going out from the pain. Minion yanks back even harder as the ref moves in to check on him. The ref lifts Phoenix's arm into the air)
(Referee Ben Worthington lifts Phoenix's arm into the air for a second time.)
(Ref lifts Phoenix's arm into the air for the last time)
(Phoenix's arm falls about three quarters of the way down to the mat, then stops. He starts to shake it and the fans in the arena start to rally behind him. Minion is pulling back as hard as he can as Phoenix starts to do a push-up. As Phoenix pushes all the way he rolls himself into a forward roll, and Minion is forced off and falls face first onto the mat. Phoenix also collapses to the mat.)
BB: Phoenix powered out of the sharpshooter!
SB: NO WAY! How could that under-sized bum do that?
BB: Phoenix is a great athlete, and though smaller than a lot of the wrestlers here in the CSWA Presidential Tournament that doesn't mean he isn't powerful … it is just deceptive, plus he had the fans behind him!
SB: Oh yeah, THAT did it.
(Minion gets back to his feet, a look of amazement on his face as he looks down at Phoenix, shaking his head as if he can't believe what just happened. He picks Phoenix up by the back of his hair, holding him in a sleeper hold, his arms locked tight around Phoenix's throat, which the referee quickly checks to make sure it isn't a choke hold. Phoenix struggles for a few seconds, but the slows down and becomes almost limp against Minion.)
BB: Looks like the Sharpshooter took everything out of Phoenix … the sleeper may have finished him off!
(Minion yanks back even harder as the ref moves in to check on him. The ref lifts Phoenix's arm into the air.)
(The ref lifts Phoenix's arm into the air for a second time, as the CSWA faithful take to Phoenix and start chanting for him.)
(The chants of “Phoenix” get louder as the ref lifts Phoenix's arm into the air for the last time.)
(As Phoenix's arm falls for the third and last time, the audience reaches him again, and he stops his arm as it reaches his waist height and starts to try to struggle out of Minion's grasp.)
BB: This kid is certainly showing that he’s got intestinal fortitude here!
SB: Stupidity more like it, the idiot just doesn't know when he is beaten!
(Minion is wrenching back on Phoenix, trying even harder to cut off the blood supply to his brain. The referee is checking the hold again, but this time realises that Minion has turned it into a chokehold and tells him to release it. Minion doesn't listen and the referee starts to count, but as he does so, Phoenix lashes out with his elbow, catching Minion in the side of the head with it, and then with a quick flex of his legs propels himself up and over Minion to land behind him, still holding on to Minion's arms. Phoenix quickly drops the stunned Minion with reverse DDT.)
BB: What a move from Phoenix there ... his speed and agility caught Minion completely by surprise!
SB: What does he think this is, Cirque de Soleil?
(As Minion hits the mat, Phoenix collapses backwards beside him, gasping for breath. The referee checks both men, before standing between them and starting his count)
BB: So if we have a double count-out here, does that mean that Jason Payne wins the title?
SB: Whatever gets this over is fine with me. I don’t see the quick flipping and twisting around now!
(Just before the count reaches nine, Minion starts to climb back to his feet, rubbing at his lower back. Phoenix is also starting to get up, using the ropes to help, and the referee stops his count)
BB: Looks like Minion felt that last move … he appears to be having some trouble with his back!
(An unsteady Minion lashes out with a wild punch catching an equally unsteady Phoenix across the side of the head, sending him back into the ropes. Minion reaches out and grabs Phoenix by the arm before sending him across the ropes, where he bounces off them to return towards his larger opponent. Minion attempts to block Phoenix with a clothesline, but Phoenix ducks under the outstretched arm, and propels himself off the ropes again, and as Minion turns around, Phoenix flies at him and catches him with a flying forearm shot to the head, instantly knocking Minion to the mat.)
BB: Phoenix appears to have caught a second wind here, and has taken control!
(Phoenix gets back to his feet, a little slowly, and runs across the ring and leaps over the ropes. Landing on the turnbuckle he holds onto the top rope as he propels himself up onto it and then leaps into the air to hit Minion with a springboard legdrop. Getting back to his feet he drags Minion by one arm closer to one of the turnbuckle, then climbs up it, facing into the ring. Phoenix steadies himself then launches himself forwards into a somersault.)
BB: It's a shooting star press … look at the air he is getting!
SB: Holy Bugbrain! HORNET WINS~!
(Propelling himself through the air Phoenix spins full circle before impacting heavily against the body of Minion, who almost seems to convulse after the blow before lying still. Reaching out to grab Minion’s left leg, Phoenix hooks his own leg around Minion’s right and holds him tightly as the referee moves into position.)
SB: I’m gonna try one last time. END IT!
BB: … and you would be right, Jay Phoenix has just beaten Minion and progresses onwards in the Presidential Tournament! He’ll be on the CSWA17 pay-per-view with a shot at a CSWA title just three matches into his CSWA career!
SB: And I’m oh-so-thrilled for him. Shouldn’t we take a break now?
BB: We’ll be back with the other half of the “Champion’s Challenge.”
JA vs. Steve Radder
BB: Well, it's time for the Champion's Challenge match between JA and Steve Radder. Do you have any thoughts before these guys come out for the festivities, Sammy?
SB: I don't know Bill, a certifiable idiot parading around in an Uncle Sam costume and a guy who's more preoccupied with kicking the living crap out of his ex-wife's new boyfriend than he is about anything else. I'd say it's par for the course here in this CSWA reboot.
BB: I agree with you, and that scares the living daylights out of me.
SB: What, the nutjob and Radder?
BB: No, me agreeing with you. Anyway, let's go to Rhubarb for the introductions.
RJ: Our next match is a Champion's Challenge mini-tournament match to determine number one contendership to Hornet's United States Championship.
(Pop at the mention of Hornet. Cue up "Eat the Rich." Enter JA in full Uncle Sam regalia and Lollipop in her Stars 'n Stripes dress.)
RJ: Introducing first on this Fourth of July, from the Cradle of Freedom, weighing in at at 215 and three-eigths pounds, JAY-AAAAYYYYYE!
SB: Jeez, I wonder how much that fruitcake had to pay Rhubarb to get all that in.
BB: Are you implying that Rhubarb Jones is a man of substandard moral character?
SB: Yes. Yes I am.
BB: Well, it takes one to know one. Anyway, this Denver crowd seems to be giving the Anglo Luchador a warm reception.
SB: Blah blah, cheap pops on the Fourth of July, Bill. That's all it is.
(JA takes his place in the ring and Lollipop on the outside.)
RJ: And his opponent...
(Cue up "Bulls on Parade." Enter Steve Radder.)
RJ: Hailing from our nation's first capital city, the Big Apple, New York City, weighing in at 220 pounds and a former Yoo-Ess Champion and World Champion himself... STEEEEVE RADDDDDERRRRRRRRRR!!!
BB: And Radder himself gets a nice pop from this Denver crowd.
SB: Must be a lot of divorcees in attendance. Empathy for the Bull on Parade.
BB: Yeah, I'm sure that's what it is.
(DING DING DING)
BB: We're ready to start and JA has taken off the jacket and the top hat.
SB: Man, and I thought he was going to wrestle in those. It at least would have made it amusing.
BB: Hey, JA's one of the most exciting wrestlers on the roster.
SB: I'll take your word for it.
BB: Please do, as JA and Radder circle each other, collar and elbow tie up and Radder with the knee to JA's solar plexus to start things right off. JA bent over momentarily, now up, shaking it off. Circling each other again. Radder goes in for the collar and elbow... NO! JA ducks under him, behind him quickly and my word! Rolling clutch pin! One... Radder kicks right out.
SB: Spry little spider monkey that masked man is.
BB: Told you he was exciting Sam. Both men are up and now Radder's the one shaking the exchange off. JA now reaches in for the collar and elbow and Radder now steps back pointing at his noggin and shaking his head.
SB: Maybe he should stay away and hope JA misses a triple leaping gainer shooting star moonsault corkscrew press or something.
BB: Well if you read the scouting reports on JA, he doesn't like to fly that much... OH MY LORD FLYING FOREARM TO ANSWER RADDER'S TAUNTING!
SB: Doesn't fly as much except there, right Bill?
BB: I said as much, but he's known to scamper around a bit. Radder down on the canvas sitting up and JA's behind him, running start and flip-over neck snap! Shades of Eddie Guerrero there and Radder's down on the mat. JA with a Mahistrol cradle for good measure... one... two... but Radder kicks out.
SB: I don't think this kid's messing around.
BB: Well after Radder called him out for being a gimmick this past week, I can see why. JA up and he's got Radder up. Looks like he's trying for an Irish Whip, no Radder reverses. JA rushes in... cross body.. no! Radder catches him and counters with a fallaway slam!
SB: Bull's on parade!
BB: Radder up, shakes out some cobwebs. JA's slowly getting up too. Radder sees him... vicious boot right to the head of the Anglo Luchador, and another, and one more.
SB: Those boots were made for kickin'! Haha, I love it.
BB: JA's in a fetal position on the mat and Radder picks him up. Snap vertical suplex, crisply done. Radder with the cover... one... two... JA kicks out. Radder's got him back up again. Back body dr... no! JA flipped over and right back up with a dropkick to the back of Radder's neck before he can turn around! Holy crap! Radder stumbling forward grabbing onto the ropes, but JA rushes in and grabs him right back in a full nelson... dragon suplex! No bridge, all impact!
SB: Talk about rattling brains there. Maybe Radder'll wake up and think he's married again.
BB: That's a definite possibility, Sam. JA up, to the ropes, springboard lionsault and a cover... one... two... no! Radder kicks out!
SB: This could be bad news for the masked kid. That suplex might have just caused Radder to start thinking that he was his ex's new boyfriend.
BB: If that's the case, then I think JA should just run for the hills, but right now he's in complete control of this match. He's grabbing Radder by his head... RADDER WITH THE INSIDE CRADLE! One... two... JA kicks out!
SB: You can't discount a former CSWA Champion like this!
BB: I don't think anyone has, Sammy. Both men are up, JA with a chop that's intercepted by Radder! Counter with a big right hand to JA's masked face! The Anglo Luchador reels back off the ropes and Radder... BIG CLOTHESLINE! JA to the canvas like a dying fish! Radder with a knee to JA's face and now JA's prone on the canvas.
SB: Hey, you think if this goof loses the match, he'll adopt another country?
BB: I wouldn't think so, Sam. Radder's got JA sitting up and Buffalo sleeper on the Anglo Luchador.
SB: That oughtta suck some of the life out of this kid.
BB: That would suck the life out of anyone, Sammy. JA's flailing his arms like a wildman here, trying to get something, anything, leverage.
SB: He can try, but Radder's got that move locked in.
BB: JA's pushing up, whoa! He just clipped Radder in the head with one of his fists! Radder breaks the hold, but a VICIOUS stomp to the back of JA's neck! Radder grabs JA to his feet... gutwrench sitout powerbomb! One... two... three.. NO! He didn't get three, JA kicks out! Radder's up and he's signaling for something.
SB: Maybe he's giving an Eff-Yoo out to his ex-wife, wherever she's at right now.
BB: Definite possibility there, Sammy. Radder scoops up JA. Looks like a tombstone... Radder doesn't got him all the way, and now JA's flailing his legs wildly... OH MAN! JA just reversed and... TOMBSTONE! TOMBSTONE! JA covers... one... two... thre... NO! Radder kicks out at two point nine-nine.
SB: You actually have a stopwatch that counts that precise Bill?
BB: No Sam, it's an expression, and now JA's signaling to the crowd. He's got Radder up and could we see the Karelin Driver here? He's got him... NO! Radder just nailed JA in his solar plexus! JA's doubled over, Radder's up right behind him and... ABSOLUTE ZERO! ABSOLUTE ZERO! Radder just hit JA with his patented full-nelson front leg sweep!
SB: Goodnight Irene!
BB: Radder covers... one... two... THREE!
(DING DING DING!)
BB: Steve Radder will go on to the finals of this Champion's Challenge tournament, but I'll be damned if he didn't earn it! JA put up one hell of a fight tonight!
SB: I'll give it to the scruffy kid. He was good, but Steve Radder was better.
BB: It's another commercial break.. but when we get back, it's ELI FLAIR, POISON IVY and we find out who Eli's FINAL CSWA opponent will be!
SB: Get the censors ready... FemiNazi's on her way out!
Farewell to the Eliminator
"I told you 'bout Strawberry Fields, you know the place where nothing is real..."
(CUEUP: "Glass Onion" by the Beatles as Rudy Seitzer walked out to a fairly decent pop. Seventeen years of loyalty to the company certainly paid off in this respect.)
BB: Here comes Rudy, Sammy, and he's got that envelope in his hand! We're going to find out who Eli Flair is facing at CSWA17, in just a few moments!
SB: Who cares?
SB: No, I'm serious, Buckley. Flair had the right idea last time out, he said we should be focusing on the UNIFIED Championship tournament and the Presidential Tournament. Why are we making a big deal over some guy's match at CSWA17 who won't be here the next day?
BB: Some things are more important, Sammy.
SB: Nothing is more important than the Belt, Buckley. Anyone who says otherwise will never wear it.
(Rudy entered the ring, envelope in hand. He retrieved a microphone from Rhubarb Jones and waved to the fans as the music died down.)
RS: Good evening, one and all! Are you enjoying the show?
(He waited for a response, and the fans didn't disappoint. CUTTO: Scan of the crowd, and their animated response.)
SB: Cheap pops.
BB: And you're their king.
(CUTTO: The ring)
RS: Before I open this up, however, I'd like to ask--
"Welcome, to the Soldier Side..."
(CUTTO: The CSWAvision, where Eli Flair's face has filled the screen. Cheers erupted from the fans as the King of Extreme and Manager of Champions headed out from the back. They acknowledged the fans in a way that they never have before - by actually acknowledging them. As Eli reached ringside, he did the usual and climbed to the top turnbuckle from the outside, but Ivy simply slid under the bottom rope and gave Rudy a hug. But in doing so, she also stole the microphone from him.)
SB: Get the delay ready.
BB: Give her a chance, Sammy!
IVY: How much do y'all love Rudy? Let'em hear it!
(They popped again, and Rudy seemed to get a bit flustered.)
SB: What's with these three and their cheap pops? Rudy's an old man with hairplugs, they don't love him!
BB: You're commenting on someone else's hair?
SB: ... They said you'd never know.
(In the ring, Ivy had returned the microphone to Rudy, and Eli joined them in the ring. He gestured his respect to Rudy, and gave him the floor.)
RS: And now, the moment we've been waiting for.
(He began to open the envelope.)
RS: Eli Flair, at CSWA17, you will be wrestling...
(Rudy read the contract, and did a double take.)
BB: What? Who is it?
BB: Don't be daft, Sammy!
SB: ... Freakboy?
BB: Maybe it's you.
SB: I'll behave.
(SFX: Eli, in the ring, yelling "Spit it out, Seitzer!" without the aid of a microphone. At last, Rudy put the mic back to his lips.)
(The crowd exploded. Ivy looked from Rudy to Eli to Rudy. "Like the Sun" by I Mother Earth began to play over the sound system. Eli went from standing near the corner to leaning, very relaxed, in the corner as the pyro went off.)
(As the blue and yellow sparks fade, Hornet walks down the center of the runway. The fans lean over the guardrails and reach out, but Hornet’s eyes are focused, truly focused, on the ring. Who in the ring, is a different question entirely.)
(A ringhand flips Hornet a microphone as he climbs up the steps and ducks through the ropes. He stays near ‘his’ corner as Eli leans in his. In the middle of the ring, Rudy beams, with Ivy a step behind. She’s not beaming… not by a long shot.)
HORNET: Last verse same as the first, I guess. Whatever that means. Of all the folks they could’ve dredged up to throw against you, I get a call from Thomas’s secretary on my way here that it’s gonna be me.
(Eli simply shrugs as if to say, “That’s Thomas.”)
HORNET: And while it sounds like the fans are happy about it (cheap pop!), and we all know that Rudy is certainly happy about it (cheap laughter), I gotta tell you – I’m not so thrilled.
I guess I should be, right? The once-upon-a-time UNIFIED Champion and CSWA “franchise” against the man who laid the first claim to being a CSWA World Champion and fWo World Champion. Two household names who haven’t been thrown in the ring against each other week-in and week-out – this should be what they call a MONEY MATCH, right? My chance to lock horns with the man who knows both sides, who has been for me and against me, and show that I’ve still got what it takes against the King of Extreme.
Instead, I see the usual – a cheap ploy by the man in the front office to make some quick cash by using a wrestler’s personal life against him. (He turns away from Eli and looks straight into the camera.)
But I’m sure it’s nothing personal, right Steve?
But speaking of personal, it’s not like it hasn’t all been thrown out on the table before, right Eli?
(He turns back, this time facing… not Eli.) Right, Ivy?
The whole world got to see Ivy and I turn on you and Vizzack and the world, as the so-called “Businessman” ran rampant. And the same world got to see Ivy come to her senses and cane me to lose the CSWA World Title.
The whole world got to see the rise of the ClaimStakers, and the fall, as Teri Melton came out and told “The Big Lie” – just enough truth that it was believable, just enough lie for Merritt to get what he wanted. And just wrong enough for the world to see me get punched out by that man over there, and dumped by that woman right there.
And so the whole world got to see me at my worst – yes, even worse than using a branding iron on Mark Vizzack. At least then I still cared about something, anything. Instead, the world got to see the “Greatest American Hero” become a junkie, hooked on pain pills and living in the past.
But there were a few things that the world never got to see. They never got to see the true devotion that Ivy and Elijah have for each other – they saw glimpses of it, more and more, but not the true depth.
They never got to see the true happy times – hanging out with MJ Dean at Jordan’s place in Chapel Hill, kicking back with Mikey threatening some poor college kid that hit on Ivy, while Eli and I just sat back and laughed.
They never got to truly see what the two of you meant to me. Partly because I didn’t let them, and partly because of this business.
(He takes a step out of the corner. Rudy instinctively moves to the side, leaving Hornet and Ivy standing across the ring from each other, with Eli a step to the side and behind Ivy in the corner.)
And they didn’t ever really see how happy you made me. They didn’t see the times when it was just you and me. They didn’t see us out playing in the snow with Susan during that god-awful winter. They didn’t see how just having you smile at me somehow made me a better man than I could have been otherwise. The way that having someone like you next to me made me more than the “Franchise” or the “Champ” or even “Hornet” – that made me realize that just being Paul was alright too.
They only saw the hole in the middle – the loneliness after you were gone, the frantic, desperate phone calls when I didn’t know if you were alive or dead, the anger when I couldn’t get as much as a voice mail from you or Eli. The resentment when you and Sean were together in this ring.
I missed seeing you happy because I was too jealous that I wasn’t. (He turns toward Eli.) I missed seeing you married and your beautiful little girl born because I couldn’t bring myself to apologize and make the first move. I missed being there to celebrate with you when you won another World Title and built another legend – and I missed being there to mourn with you when… (He stops, obviously overcome with emotion. The crowd is dead silent until one joker yells “CRY HORNET CRY!”)
(He laughs, head down, his eyes gleaming, his voice thick.) To mourn with you when Coop and Johnny… I wasn’t there.
And for that… all that… I’m sorry. (He looks up again.) I’m truly sorry. And I just thought that since everything else had been done in public, that this ought to be too.
(There is silence for another moment, at least in the ring. Some of the fans are applauding, some deriding, and one group is chanting “Hornet.” And then, the smirk is back.)
SB: I'll be right back.
BB: Where are you going?
SB: To get in line.
BB: For what?
SB: AN APOLOGY!
HORNET: So now that I’ve addressed the personal, how about the business? Why Eli? Why this one last match against me?
IVY: You’re an ass—
(Eli put a hand up and she stopped. He gestured to her, and she handed off the microphone.)
ELI: Why one more match against you, Hornet? Because Thomas said so. Because I was ready to just step down and let it be, and Thomas said ‘Let us give you a farewell match, and do things the right way in this business for once.’ I was skeptical, but I liked the idea of giving these fans—
(Cheers from the crowd despite the fact that Eli did not point, gesture, or acknowledge them.)
—a proper farewell. Sure, this might be a massive conspiracy by Tard, but what would it gain him? The moment the bell rings, I’m done. He can march Troy and the entire flippin’ Frat down here to do a mass beatdown, but they’re not worth giving up what I’m looking down the line at. He can have Miles set fire to the ring while we’re still in it and I’d dust off the ash and go home.
So why is it against you, Hornet? Why don’t you ask Thomas?
(The fans cheered, and an ‘ELI’ chant started.)
And let’s assume, Hornet, that he’s got designs on a big money feud between the Franchise and the User Poet. It’s hard to do when half the equation doesn’t work for the company anymore.
I’ll be honest, Hornet. I didn’t know your name was on that contract either, mainly because Thomas refused to tell me or Ivy before Rudy could read it here tonight. But now that I know… I’m glad.
(Hornet looked surprised at this admission, but Eli didn’t stop to let it sink in.)
I’m glad because now, we get to do this up the way it was meant to be. Ten years ago, Hornet… do you remember? I remember. Ten years ago, I was wearing the IntraContinental Championship and you were wearing the UNIFIED, and I was somehow, improbably, given a shot at you. Remember that match?
Yeah, me neither. It didn’t happen because CS double booked you. The next time we faced off it was on opposite sides at Anniversary, then together as we Staked a Claim, then apart when you and that chick who’s forty percent plastic were together. Other than the first conflict at Anniversary, the conflict that I felt settled the score between us, it was never about me and you.
So after all this, Hornet, why do I want this match? Because this is the ‘eff you’ that the ClaimStakers should’ve been. We’ll have the match we want to have and to hell with tomorrow. And isn’t that the real claim to make?
(The fans popped, as Eli handed the microphone off to Ivy. He mouthed the words “Be nice” to her as he did so.)
IVY: I haven’t really been fair, have I? Sure, if I was next in line for sainthood and you were about twice as bad as you’ve been on your worst days… but it was just bad luck, wasn’t it?
(Hornet looked like he followed her a little, but not all the way.)
Teri came to you when you were down and out, right? She knew you’d just gotten the belt taken from you, she knew I was spending six and eight hours at a time in Greensboro talking to (CENSORED) and Thomas to try and get them to see our point of view. She’s a pretty girl who’s not below doing anything to get what she wants, I don’t blame you, Paul.
(He arched an eyebrow.)
Laugh, Hornet. But I never really blamed you. I was hurt, I was angry, and I was wondering how you could go from someone like me to someone like her.
Not someone like her. HER.
But that’s neither here nor there, Paul. You made mistakes, I made mistakes. We made peace, but in retrospect, you looked like your mind was a million miles away on another planet with the soma.
(She walked toward him and held out her hand.)
Here at the end of our professional relationship… I can honestly say I’m better for knowing you.
(The fans cheered for Hornet to shake her hand, even the ones who were catcalling the Greatest American Hero earlier.)
(Hornet steps forward, looking Ivy directly in the eyes. Away from the microphone, he mouths “Thank you,” then reaches out and shakes her hand as the fans continue to cheer. He then steps over to Eli and offers his hand to the former World Champ. The two shake, and Hornet heads back towards the other side of the ring. Before he starts to climb out…)
HORNET: Now that we’ve got all that out of the way, Eli… I’d be honored to step into the ring against you at CSWA17 – and give you the ass-whoopin’ you should’ve got in 1995. (He smiles at Eli.) See you in Greensboro, kid.
(Eli laughs and nods as Rudy wraps things up.)
RS: There’s not much more to say, folks. At CSWA17 from the Merr… the CSWA Auditorium, it’s legend versus legend, the Franchise versus the King of Extreme! We’ll be back with tonight’s Main Event!
Backstage, the mood buzzed between Eli and Hornet's match announcement and the subsequent back-and-forth. A group of executives were talking animatedly near the monitors.
"...believes that with Hornet no longer in the running for the UNIFIED Championship, this match is the best way to both keep him actively on the show, have a high profile match, and raise revenue without having to work around a championship schedule."
Ivy heard the voice but ignored it. She was here to work, not schmooze with executives. She had split with Eli upon hitting the backstage: he was off to meet Angel down the road at the venue, she had to talk to Thomas about promotional materials he wanted her to take on for CSWA17. She barely paid attention to the voice.
"And it should be a profitable match," continued the voice, "if that bitch standing right there would just stay home."
That's when she recognized said voice. Ivy turned around, and saw her,
TERI F**KING MELTON,
standing in the middle of a group of CS Enterprises upper managers. She smirked at her nemesis, like a woman who has won. And in a way, Teri Melton has beaten Ivy. To break their feud down to the basic elements, Ivy resented the label that Teri was giving all women in professional wrestling, that her biggest assets were approximately nine inches south of her chin. Ivy considered Teri a golddigger that would sleep with anything that would let her gain more power in the CSWA. Ivy followed a lifestyle that began and ended with hard work, not political and sexual scheming.
And yet, Teri's political and sexual scheming has garnered her partial ownership in the CSWA, a front office, and the ear of the most powerful man in professional wrestling. She is Ivy McGinnis' boss.
Which made it all the more shocking to see Ivy walk up without hesitation, and drive a right hand square in Teri's face. Blood spurted out from an obviously broken nose as she collapsed, shaking, into the arms of the managers around her.
Ivy walked away, smiling. After ten years, with the final night of work for this company just around the corner... it was about damned time.
UNIFIED World Tournament Quarterfinals
High Flyer vs. Dan Ryan
BB: And welcome back to CSWA action. We’ve got a big rematch Main Event up now. The winner of this advances to the Final Four.
SB: Isn't that a trademark of the NCAA?
BB: There's four men left... they're the last ones -- thus the Final Four. I didn't say they're playing basketball.
SB: You think this would be like any other tournament. You tie, you’re outta here and you gotta kiss your sister.
SB: That’s where that saying comes from. Back when people had ugly sisters.
BB: What are you talking about?
SB: Well, they couldn’t shave way back when.
BB: *Sigh* Just consider this "overtime," if it makes you happy. If it'll make you just shut up, even.
BB: Was that so hard?
(CUT TO: the ring, where Rhubarb Jones stands in place. He looks like a painting. Let’s try to paint him. HEY! STOP MOVING! WE’RE PAINTING OVER HERE!)
RJ: Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, Various pets watching confused from the comforts of your cages… this is your MAIN EVENT!
(Cheers. “Zero” by Smashing Pumpkins, Welcome to the 90’s. And that’s when the cheers get louder, and some guy in Minnesota (HI WEIMS!) types that he can’t believe Ryan’s still getting pushed and this is a mockery of the sport and WHINE WHINE WHINE BLAH BLAH BLAH.)
(CUT TO: 'Ego Buster' flashes across the screen in rapid contrasting black and white. CUT TO: Dan Ryan gorilla presses Kevin Powers from inside the ring to the floor below. CUT TO: The word "YOU" flashes on the screen. CUT TO: Dan Ryan throws 'Living Legend' Mark Windham from the second level of Key Arena down to the first level. CUT TO: the word "ARE". CUT TO: Dan Ryan clotheslines 'Cocky' Craig Miles, nearly taking his head off. CUT TO: the word "BUSTED" CUT TO: rapid shots of Dan Ryan pulverizing opponents with the Humility Bomb, a last ride power bomb landing high angle on the neck.)
RJ: Weighing in tonight at 331 pounds, hailing from Houston Texas, he is a FORMER, C-S-W-A Heavyweight Champion of the Heavyweights… I mean World…. THE EGO BUSTER, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN RYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!
(Ryan makes his way toward the ring, eyes focused forward, well, if you could see his eyes through his sunglasses. Isn’t he stylish? Oh damn straight he is.)
BB: If my thoughts weren’t inside my head I wouldn’t hear whatever it was I was thinking.
SB: Probably something along the lines of “DAMNIT MARSHALL, TURN DOWN THE VOLUME!”
BB: Who’s Marshall?
SB: Your one friend?
(The lights dim and cut to black as the opening chords of “Loco” by Coal Chamber resonate throughout the arena…)
RJ: And his opponent…
(White pyro SHOOTS off the entrance ramp, and standing just behind it, is none other than the white haired High Flyer, holding his Immortal Championship high.)
RJ: ...weighing in at 204 and a quarter pounds, from Los Angeles, California, he is a former fWo Internet and IWO Grand Slam Champion… here is the Neighborhood Lunatic… High Flyer!
BB: And the CSWA faithful showing their appreciation. Both of these men put on a wonderful match last time and…
SB: They want to see 'em top it. JEALOUSY IS A SIN!
(Flyer makes his way down toward the ring, slapping a few fans hands as he does. He slides into the ring underneath the bottom rope, and raises his arms in a devil horn taunt, as the referee checks Ryan. With Ryan clean, he goes to Flyer and does the same, before motioning for the bell to be rung three times.)
*DING DING DIG… DING*
(Flyer charges immediately and Ryan sidesteps him, swatting him behind as he turns. Flyer leaps onto the middle rope instead of bouncing off, twists his body and looks for a corkscrew splash, but Ryan catches him in his arms. When he swings the lighter Flyer, the Lunatic kicks his legs and lands his stomach on Ryan’s shoulder, before slithering down behind him. Ryan delivers a back elbow, twists his body quickly and DRIVES Flyer into the mat with a vicious Jumping DDT.)
BB: Absolutely planted in the ring!
SB: Like a bowl of petunias... I’ve got some, backstage. Wholesale, if anyone wants em. 402-30…
BB: No one wants your freaking flowers!
(Ryan lifts Flyer to his feet and irish whips him into the turnbuckle. Flyer stops just short, as Ryan charges in behind him and LAYS him out with a clothesline to his back.
Flyer hits the mat hard and rolls to the apron. Once there, Ryan begins to pick him back up, through the middle ropes and then up to his feet over the top. But this awkward position allows Flyer to deliver a knife edge chop just underneath the throat of the Ego Buster, sprawling him back, choking up the air in his lungs. Flyer spring boards to the top and FLIES with a Lou Thesz press, landing on top before driving forearm after first into the Ego Buster’s prone skull.)
BB: Beautiful Lou Thesz press, but Flyer’s going to have to break the hold. Too many closed fists and Ryan’s going to the finals.
SB: Has ANYONE been DQed for fisticuffs before?
BB: I don’t know, but you don’t want to be the first.
SB: I would. RECORDS BABY!
BB: Honestly, I didn't think you knew the word 'fisticuffs.' Really.
(Flyer hops to his feet at the count of four and delivers a stiff kick to Ryan’s leg, before dropping his knees onto Ryan’s own, and wrenching his calf in a cross closer to his body. He picks up his free leg and drops it over the ankle on the opposite side and begins to torque the hold, as Ryan slams his hand down onto the mat once in a bit of frustration. He reaches out and yanks at Flyer’s long white hair before being reprimanded. Then, he swings with a clubbing right hook that loosens the hold slightly. Another takes Flyer off his knees and to the mats, as Ryan recoups his legs closer to his body. Ryan slowly pulls himself to his feet with the assist of the ring ropes, as Flyer pushes his body up with his arms to his feet. Once there, Ryan THRUSTS his claw like hand around Flyer’s throat. Lifting Flyer, he goes for a chokeslam, but Flyer swings his legs up and wraps them around Ryan’s skull. Ryan, the quick thinker, drops down to the mat and DRIVES Flyer’s back hard into the canvas in a beautiful powerbomb.)
BB: …. Ow.
SB: Very insightful.
(Ryan dives on top for the pin.)
BB: IT’S-NO! Kickout by Flyer at two and a half!
SB: It was more of a 64/66ths of a count.
BB: Do you… understand fractions?
(Ryan lifts Flyer to his feet and whips him off the ropes. Back off, Flyer ducks a clothesline, races off the other side and…)
SB: RYAN DUCKS! Desperation move to turn the tide and end this may have backfired!
BB: He’s got the arms hooks, RYAN WITH A RELEASE DRAGON SUPLEX! Flyer is down and his feet are STILL held in the air before they limply fall to the mat.
SB: It sent the Lunatic flopping out of the ring though! This could give him some time to recover or we could even see a repeat of what happened last week! Man, I’d throw something. Like this chair.
BB: Get your hands off my chair.
(Ryan lifts the fallen Flyer up and signals for the ENDGAME OF IT ALL. He hoists the Lunatic onto his shoulders…)
BB: WELCOME TO HUMILITY!
SB: Bad… bad line…
(Flyer fights back, delivering right after right until Ryan backs up and arches his back over the top turnbuckle in a vicarious position. Flyer remains perched on the top rope, driving right after left into Ryan’s skull, before twisting his body so it was out of the ring ropes. He began to slowly pull the much larger Ryan onto the second rope, and once there, Ryan fired back with a right palm strike that doubled the Lunatic over. Once there, Ryan positioned himself to toss Flyer off the top, but Flyer raked The Ego Buster’s eyes, and then leapt onto his shoulders.)
BB: HURRACON-INCOMING! INCOMING! BAIL BAIL BAIL!
SB: OH GOD!
(Ryan reverses the Frank-n-Parsons (hurricanrana for the uninitiated) attempt and lifts him up in the Humility Bomb, once again, before dropping him from the second rope turnbuckle and to the outside… with enough of a push to put him through the announcers' table!)
BB: Is my mic on? Are we good? My GOD! Folks! High Flyer has just been dropped from the ring to the outside with the Humility Bomb. He’s in the wreckage of what used to be our announcers table and what used to be before that nothing more than a bunch of lumber from Home Depot. My God!
SB: He’s not moving Buckley…
BB: Ryan looks down at the fallen Flyer, he’s making a statement right here. He wants to be our next UNIFIED Champion!
(Inside the ring, the official has finally finished pulling out his own hairs before he ran to the corner of the ring closest to the timekeeper, swatting his hand at an imaginable punching bag to signal the end of the match.)
*Ding Ding ding*
RJ: Your winner, via referee’s decision and potential knockout… “THE EGO BUSTER”…. DAN RYAN~!
BB: Folks, we’ve got to get medical attention out here for the Lunatic. There’s no knowing the shape he may be in this evening.
SB: But CSWA17: Rebirth! Dan Ryan, Troy Windham, Vince Jacobs, and VACANT will be battling it out for the wrestling world's richest prize.
BB: And Eli Flair faces off in his CSWA Finale… against HORNET!
SB: And sure they’ll be some sort of undercard. Maybe there’s a sandwich facing a potato. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW!
BB: I’m Bill Buckley, signing out for my friend here Sammy Benson.
SB: I thought I was always Buckley.
BB: I thought you were Marshall.
SB: Only when I’m the Top Gun, pow pow.
BB: Join us for the REBIRTH. 17 years in the making.
SB: More like two. MAYBE.
BB: Stop cutting off my tag lines. It’s annoying. Oh, we’re still on?
(BILLY BUCKLEY) is in the backstage area, talking on his cell phone, in hushed tones.
BILLY BUCKLEY: ... Need it done, and quick.
(BUCKLEY listens for a second, an exasperated look on his face.)
BILLY BUCKLEY: I don't CARE how much it costs, Gene. I need it done. Before ANNIVERSARY.
(BUCKLEY again listens, this time nodding in agreement.)
BILLY BUCKLEY: I'll have it FedEx'd. It'll be at your door tomorrow morning.
(BUCKLEY listens, uninterested in what GENE is telling him.)
BILLY BUCKLEY: Yes. OK. And Gene? You talk to no-one about this aside from me. Good.
(BUCKLEY closes his cell phone, pockets it, and walks off down the hallway.)