SHOWTIME in Portland
June 16, 2005
Rose Garden, Portland, OR
Featuring the quarterfinals of the
UNIFIED World Heavyweight Championship Tournament:
Dan Ryan vs. High Flyer
Boogie Smallz vs. Vince Jacobs
Troy Windham vs. Alias
Hornet vs. "Vacant"
Plus the first round of the Presidential Championship Tournament!
(The NCN logo flashes in and is joined by the CSWA ‘star’ logo. They both fly off the screen to make way for the “SHOWTIME” logo as ”Fire Water” by Valerian’s Garden begins.)
BB: Hello wrestling fans! And welcome to the Rose Garden, which, as you can see, is packed with fans for the first SHOWTIME of the CSWA’s summer season.
SB: Summer season?
BB: As always, folks, my co-host, Sammy Benson.
SB: And again I’ll say, summer season? If that’s the case, then 2003 was a ‘summer season.’
BB: Have you thought about retirement, Sammy?
SB: I’m younger than you, Buckley. Maybe not according to how old the doctor says my body is…
BB: That’s just sad. Folks, we’ve got more on tap than just the monthly “how pathetic is Sammy” report. In fact, the next two hours are so loaded that we need to cut the witty banter short. Tonight, the first round of the CSWA Presidential Tournament has already gotten underway before we went on the air. It features eight wrestlers vying for spots in the CSWA as well as the Presidential Championship. And we’ve got eight other wrestlers who are chomping at the bit to compete in the quarterfinals of the UNIFIED World Championship Tournament.
SB: Somehow I don’t see Troy Windham “chomping at the bit” to do much of anything, unless it involves underage groupies.
BB: The winners tonight go on to compete in the Final Four at the CSWA’s ANNIVERSARY celebration: CSWA17 in three weeks, to decide who the first UNIFIED Champion of the new era will be. We’ve already seen former champion Mike Randalls go by the wayside. The only former UNIFIED Champion still in the mix is Hornet, and tonight he takes on his second masked man in a row.
SB: And if it’s not Eddie Mayfield or Craig Miles in a mask, then I don’t want to know. Just keep the mask on and let me keep my dream alive.
BB: Folks, let’s get things started. Before our first Presidential Title match, let’s take a look at how the title was vacated and bring you up-to-date on the two matches earlier in the night.
V/O: Eddie Mayfield – the self-proclaimed “President” of the CSWA…
(CUTTO: a promotional picture of Eddie holding the Presidential Title around his waist.)
V/O: From “Hot Property”…
(CUTTO: PRIMETIME 500; Eddie Mayfield has burst into Stephen Thomas’ Presidential Skybox.)
THOMAS: The HELL do you want, Mayfield? Can't you see I'm busy?
MAYFIELD: (Crunching) Damn, you need some new candy out there. Who the hell eats rootbeer barrels? They're nasty as sh[BLEEEP!] Thomas. Jesus! And this is the GOOD stuff? (THOMAS glowers!) Ok, listen man. PRIMETIME 500, I don't know if you were'nt paying attention, but Hot Property is NOWHERE on that card, and YOU know that EYE know, that EYE am the only thing that matters in this pit of a company, that would FEED THEIR A-LIST WORKERS ROOT BEER, F[BLEEEEP]ING, BARRELS. So here’s the deal, Thomas – assuming you scrounge up enough money to another card - you need to do the right thing like Spike Lee, - EYE WANT A TITLE SHOT. I want Southern in the ring… next card… no special refs, no crap… a straight up title shot.
THOMAS: You know what, Mayfield -YOU may think you're the cat’s pajamas, I know that YOU don't make the calls around here - YOURS TRULY does that. I know that you don't have a pot to piss in, and for you to come in here and demand ANYTHING from me, let alone a TITLE SHOT, is laughable. Matterafact, let me take a second to laugh out loud at this.
(Chuckling. MAYFIELD takes his gift and opens it, and throws it on top of his desk! From inside it is an unnatural glow!)
MAYFIELD: How's that for a bargaining chip?
(THOMAS' laughter stops - IMMEDIATELY! He looks down inside the box, his face highlighted by the glow, and his eyes get wide with wonder!)
THOMAS: How... how did you... what...
MAYFIELD: You get me in that CSWA World Championship shot straight-up against Southern, and you can call what’s in that box... heh. (Pulls out a Camel and sparks it, getting out his seat) your very own Christmas Miracle. Make it happen, Thomas.
(MAYFIELD walks out the room. humming 'We are the Champions' as the Secretary walks in, and the camera pans back over to the desk. We see THOMAS hunched over the box and slowly, carefully, removes the contents of that box - The CSWA PRESIDENTIAL CHAMPIONSHIP! THOMAS sputters to himself, and wipes a line of drool from his chin.)
THOMAS: ...My... my precious......
V/O: To just… hot.
(CUTTO: SHOWTIME in Houston, January 14, 2005; CSWA World Title: Shane Southern vs. Eddie Mayfield, joined in progress)
BB: Shane with a look of disgust at Mayfield slips through the ropes and climbs the top turnbuckle. Eddie stirring….but can he hold off Southern once again! The World champion’s perched on top rope….Eddie to his feet, but he’s looking the wrong way, Southern flies….FRANK’N’SOUTHERN---SIT-OUT POWERBOMB BY MAYFIELD! EDDIE COUNTERED! EDDIE COUNTERED!! Sit-out powerbomb!!
(Crowd starts to chant, “Eddie! Eddie!”)
BB: Mayfield on his rear next to Southern, bobbing his head in acknowledgement! Eddie off the ropes, slow methodical steps….ELBOW DROP!! Mayfield was damn near ten feet in the air! Southern’s out! Southern’s out! But, the former…well, everything in the CSWA goes to the top!
SB: Mayfield/Melton! Mayfield/Melton!
BB: Eddie flips off Southern’s unmoving body! NEW CHAMPION RIGHT HERE!!!
(As Mayfield stands on top of the turnbuckle, a stream of fire lances up from the pyrotechnics tube attached to it, running up behind him.)
BB: WHAT IN THE WORLD?
(Eddie’s startled. In shock….he turns and catches another blast in the face.)
BB: WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE!?
SB: (worried) Marvin..cut the damn pyro! CUT IT!
(Eddie stumbles off the turnbuckle to the mat. He manages somehow to stay on his feet, his hands over his face. The crowd’s stunned.)
BB: Southern…I don’t think he knows what happened. This is..unthinkable. We need medical attention for Eddie Mayfield RIGHT-----SUPERKICK BY SOUTHERN! Shane…come on…. Eddie’s out! Southern covers….is Worthington actually going to count?? Ben…
SB: Yes, Buckley….it’s over.
(Worthington counts one, two, three.)
BB: Shane Southern has won. And the entire city of Houston can’t believe it. Southern, Sammy did he see what happened to Eddie…I’ve never seen anything like this.
SB: (in a somber tone) Sometimes fans in the wrestling business things go wrong and the people we care about most get hurt. Let’s just say a prayer for Eddie Mayfield right now.
(Just as a bewildered Rhubarb Jones hands Southern the World title through the ropes, the crowd starts to boo heartily.)
BB: CRAIG MILES??
(Craig Miles, having crawled from under the ring, climbs the ring apron with a chair in one hand, and two lit Newport’s in his mouth. Miles relishing in the downpour of disapproval lends back into the ropes, facing the camera side crowd and with a Miles Wide Smile displays his black t-shirt that reads, “Trash Collector.”)
BB: Craig Miles! Craig…Craig Miles was behind all of this! Eddie Mayfield’s career could be over! We need medical attention right now for Eddie Mayfield, and we need security to come out and take the this piece of (censor) out of the ring!
(Miles and Southern face off in the ring. After a brief staredown, Miles takes one of the cigarettes from his mouth and places it between the champ’s teeth. Southern inhales, basking in the moment, and then begins to savagely crack the chair over Eddie’s back.)
BB: Southern’s out of his mind!
SB: And partnered with “Cocky” Craig. You've gotta be kidding me... Hornet was right for once.
BB: Eddie Mayfield’s in no condition to have to go through this…. Craig Miles, that bastard’s enjoying this, look at him! (Miles leans over the rope, begging for the house mic.) Don’t give it to him Rhubarb, don’t you do it! Don’t let that maniac on the air!
(Miles threatens Jones, but Rhubarb turns and tosses the mic in the stands.)
SB: Southern’s gone too far, Buckley. They both have. I…I’m ashamed of my profession tonight.
(A beaten, and bloody Mayfield gamely reaches for Miles' alligator skinned boots. There’s no strength in his arms. It’s a hollow effort. One that amuses Miles and Southern to no end.)
BB: Southern drags Eddie to his feet…his limp body…Mayfield’s hurt badly! Damnit we need medical attention! Miles taking uncontested cracks at Eddie’s exposed ribs! Sick! Sick! DOUBLE POWERBOMB ONTO THE CHAIR! Sammy do something…
SB: You’re out of your skull Buckley. I’m not going near that ring!
BB: We’re low on air time. We can’t go off the air like this…
(Paramedics and a host of workers from the back rush to ringside, as Miles pulls a wad of dollar bills from his pocket.)
BB: Craig Miles….disgusting human being that he is….what’s he doing with that money!
(Miles fans the wad of bills for the camera to see, the stoops and shoves it into Mayfield’s mouth!)
SB: I think that’s real money Buckley….
BB: Are we still on the air?? Hello?
(CLOSE-UP – on the wad of bills stuck inside Mayfield’s mouth.)
Presidential Tournament First Round
Jason Payne vs. RT Savage
BB: Before we came on the air tonight, two matches from the first round aired. In the first, Alisha Davis defeated Michael Thunder with her Delicate Pleasure corkscrew moonsault. In the second match, Jay Phoenix made an impression, defeating CSWA rookie Troy Douglas and continuing his chance to become the CSWA's first Native American champion since Jay Youngblood in the late 1980s.
SB: Wasn't his tag team partner the guy that Hornet won the US Title off of, which eventually allowed him to gyp Mark Windham out of the top contender spot and then give him the shot at...
BB: Thanks, Sammy. Folks, let's head down to the ring to find out who will be the next rookie standout and move on to the semifinals of the Presidential Tournament.
RT Savage and Jason Payne start the match off by pacing each other around the ring. Collar and elbow tie-up and Savage comes up with Payne in a headlock. Payne attempts to free himself by breaking RT’s grip, but fails. Payne grabs his wrists and begins to power out of it, but Savage leans forward and puts Payne back into the headlock. Savage with a headlock take down on Payne, and quickly Payne counters with a head scissors. Savage attempts to kick out, but Payne’s legs are locked. Savage pushes up with his legs, forcing Payne over the other way. With his feet now under him, Savage moves to place Payne on his back. The ref begins the count.
Payne rolls a shoulder up to break the count. Savage pushes up with his legs, his body flipping over Payne in a bridge. Payne’s shoulders are once again on the mat.
Payne wraps his arms around Savage and powers out of the bridge. Payne and Savage then turn over and under with both men ending up facing opposite with their arms interlocked. Savage bends his knees and Payne is forced into a backslide.
Payne rolls off the mat and to his feet. Savage goes for Payne’s legs and tries to pull them out from under him. Payne grabs Savage underneath, and hauls him upward for a power bomb. Savage begins tagging Payne in the forehead. Payne drops Savage as he staggers back. When Savage hits the floor, he grabs Payne’s legs and yanks Payne off his feet. Savage begins to turn Payne over for a Boston Crab, but Payne grabs Savage and rolls him up for a small package.
Savage kicks out. Both men get to their feet. Payne moves in quickly and boots Savage in the mid section. Payne wails back and smashes a forearm in Savage’s back. Grabbing his hand, Payne whips Savage into the turnbuckle. Savage winces and stumbles out of the turnbuckle to run smack into a Payne clothesline. Savage rolls around on the mat while Payne begins stomping away. The ref moves in to stop Payne, and Payne turns and menaces the ref for a moment. Payne turns back to Savage, lifting him off the ground. He whips him into the other turn buckle. Moving in, Payne buries his foot into Savage’s neck, choking him. The ref starts the five count. Payne breaks the choke, but gives Savage a knife-edge chop. Savage winces in pain and stumbles out of the corner. Payne grabs Savage and whips him into the ropes, and applies a sleeper hold in the middle of the ring. After locking it in, he suddenly drops him and Savage to the mat, driving Savage’s back and head into the mat.
Payne wraps his massive arms around Savage’s head in a front face lock. Savage can be seen struggling to fight becoming unconscious. Payne cinches in the hold as Savage slowly gets weaker. Finally Savage’s arm falls to the mat, and ref begins to check him by raising his arm. It falls to the mat.
Payne holds his vice like grip on Savage as the ref raises his arm once more. Once again, it falls to the mat limply.
Payne begins to nod, sensing the end is near. He holds onto Savage’s head in that vice-like hold as the ref raises the arm a third time. Savage’s arm drops towards the canvas, but at the last second, stops, and begins to slowly rise. Struggling, Savage gets some footing and begins to rise from the canvas, Payne keeping that front face lock maintained on Savage. Savage backs Payne into a corner, causing Payne to break the hold. Savage backs up and goes for a spear in the corner, but Payne moves, and Savage hits the ring post and slides out of the ring.
Payne exits the ring and walks over to Savage who is recovering on the concrete floor. Payne grabs Savage’s hand and goes to whip him into the steel barrier, but Savage reverses! Payne’s back crashes into the steel barrier and he sinks to the floor howling in agony. Savage takes a minute to regain his composure, and also to shake off hitting that ring post. Savage walks over towards Payne, who is slow getting to his feet, and grabs him by the hair. Savage takes Payne’s head and drives it into the ring post. Payne falls to the concrete floor holding his head.
Savage walks over and grabs Payne by the hair, and rolls him back into the ring. There is blood on Savage’s hand as Payne’s hair comes back from his face it is evident that he is busted open. Savage gets into the ring as Payne back towards a corner, and begins pulling himself up. Payne reaches up and touches the spot where his head hit the ring post. Moving his head in front of his face, he sees he is bleeding. Savage comes towards Payne and scales the turnbuckle. He draws back a fist and looks over the crowd. He then begins punching Payne in the head, opening the cut more.
Savage climbs down from his perch as Payne stands in the corner transfixed for a moment. Savage grabs Payne and goes to whip him into the ropes, but Payne does a short arm reversal and spins Savage around into a full nelson. Payne’s eyes seem to glaze over as he lifts Savage off the ground, and slams him down the canvas with a massive Payne Killer. Payne appears to be anywhere but where he is, but has the sense to fall onto his knees and then forward to cover his opponent.
Payne rolls off Savage and onto his back for a long moment before getting to his feet, and only then with the aid of the ring ropes while Savage rolls out of the ring, not believing he had lost. Payne’s entrance theme plays as he rests against the ropes, looking out over the fans with a crimson mask of blood streaming down his face.
Putting the show back in SHOWtime
"I didn't have to come to the CSWA to be a Superstar..." Pro Wrestling's Phenomenon
Vince walked through the curtains wearing a blue Armani suit and his Gucci sunglasses. He instantly heard a series of boos blending with his music as a smirk came across his face.
"...I brought my spotlight with me."
The CSWA-tron flickered, showing a series of clips that highlighted various clips of SVJ in action.
"The bank accounts is thick and his pockets is fat
Peep the smirk on his face when he watchin' you tap
A 3-Count or submission, which steez you wanna go?
Cuz this muthafucka right here's the reason there's a show!"
SVJ climbed into the ring and posed for the fans as the jeers erupted. He shrugs off the crowd as he waited peered around the Portland arena with a smirk on his face. Jacobs was handed a mic as he was about to address the CSWA fans for the very first time.
“Hello Portland, ‘Superstar’ Vince Jacobs is here… in this rat infested town of yours, wishing I can get on the first thing smoking out of town because this place sickens me.”
Vince paused as the fans jeered louder.
“I can wait, I got all night. You’re the ones actually stopping the show, not me. So go ahead and get it all out of your systems since I know there is nothing else to do in Portland anyway.”
The fans were jeering but died down a little so Jacobs could talk.
“That’s a little better. What’s wrong with you people? You should be cheering when a man of my caliber steps into your promotion. It basically raises the level of the playing field tenfold. That means that the Reason there is a Show has brought prominence to CSWA’s Showtime programming.”
Jacobs walked around the ring as the fans started to chant.
He smirked before continuing. “I have heard worse but see that doesn’t phase me because when you are good looking and as talented as I am then why would you be bothered with some welfare hicks from Oregon calling you an asshole.”
“You people don’t understand what I am trying to do here. I am trying to save this company. I am trying to bring it back to its prominent days of glory. Back when Hornet, GUNS, Love, Randalls, Flair, and Windham had this place rockin’. I’m here to put the show back in SHOWtime. The man of the hour, the living legend, Pro Wrestling’s Phenomenon, the ONLY God of wrestling. Unlike someone else in that other promotion. He couldn’t carry my jockstrap in a snowstorm.”
“A couple of weeks ago you fans got your first glimpse of the Superstar in action. You saw me take down the intelligent big man in Logic to move on in the Unified Tournament. Tonight you will see me continue to cement my legacy in this sport by taking on the blunt smokin’ Boogie Smallz in the semis of the tournament.”
Mixed reaction from the crowd.
“Boog-man and I have been verbally bashing each other over the heads all week long but tonight the talking will cease and the real bashing will begin. Tonight I will step into the ring with the man who claims he is going to shut me up. Like I haven’t heard that before. Boogie you my friend will be added to my long list of Star Gazers. My fans that have not came through on their threats towards me.”
Jacobs adjusted his sunglasses a little before speaking again.
“I want all you morons to remember something if your not to stupid to comprehend the words I am relaying right now. I want you to remember that ‘Superstar’ Vince Jacobs is the only name worth a damn on this marquee’.
Boogie Smallz – give me a break
High Flyer – The lunatic is nothing but a follower.
Dan Ryan – A roided up freak who think he can make a living by busting egos.
Hornet – Has been
Alias – My bitch
‘Vacant’ – A man that hides behind a mask doesn’t scare me. His face may scare me but that’s about it.
Troy Windham – The only man in this damn tournament that I can relate to. But if he reaches the final against me then he will still fall like the rest.”
“It doesn’t matter who the suits in CSWA put in front of me because they don’t call me The Reason there is a Show for nothing.”
Jacobs dropped the mic to the mat and raised his arms in the air to the loud ovation of boos. He climbed out of the ring walking up the ramp way flipping off fans in the process.
UNIFIED World Tournament Quarterfinals
Hornet vs. Vacant
BB: Well now that “The Reason” has let us get back to our regular format, I guess we can get on with the quarterfinals of the UNIFIED World Championship Tournament.
SB: You know, the more I see SVJ, the more I think I like him.
BB: You’d like anybody who calls Hornet a ‘has-been.’
SB: Well, that’s true… but I think I *really* like this guy.
BB: Like Eddy-like?
SB: Let’s not get carried away. Let’s just say the phrase “welfare hicks” always gets me right here.
(CUEUP: “Who Are You?” by The Who)
RJ: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first of four quarterfinal matches in the tournament for the UNIFIED World Heavyweight Championship. First, hailing from Parts Unknown, we know little about this masked man, except that he stands over six feet tall and weighs in at two hundred twenty-five pounds. This is… VACANT!
BB: The crowd is definitely letting the masked man know that they weren’t thrilled with his controversial win over JA in the first round of the tournament.
SB: Come on, Buckley. Like I always say, if the ref doesn’t see it…
BB: Then it’s not cheating. Yes, we know how you feel about it, Sammy. But I’ll tell you that referee Ben Worthington is going to be watching the masked man closely in this one.
SB: Well, we already know that he’s going to be biased to “The Franchise” anyway. Speaking of Bugbrain –
(CUEUP: “Like The Sun” by I Mother Earth)
RJ: After seventeen years, this man needs no introduction, but that’s what they pay me for. Hailing from Greensboro, North Carolina, and standing six-feet-five-inches tall and two hundred sixty-three pounds, he is the master of the dreaded Scorpion Deathlock and a former UNIFIED World Champion and four-time CSWA World Heavyweight Champion. He has held over fifty championships around the world, and seeks tonight to get one step closer to once again holding the title he created. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one… the only… HORNET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BB: Hornet made it to the second round by defeating another masked man, Jaguar Mask, who turned out to be NFW’s announcer-spawn Blaine Hollywood.
SB: I’m sure Lamont’s a proud father after that one. Then again, he’s never quite gotten over not getting my spot all the times I’ve been fired.
BB: We’ve got both men in the ring, so it’s about that time. (Bell rings.) Wrestling fans… we’re underway for the UNIFIED Title!
(CSWAvision, now usually showing the CSWA or PRIMETIME logo, slowly fades into some odd text:
When has the CSWA ever been unified?
The announcers don’t seem to notice, although some of the fans do. Then, as quickly as it was there, it’s gone. All systems normal. Back to the show seconds later.)
BB: …they’re still circling each other. Vacant comes in as if calling for a test of strength, but quickly backs away. He feints a shoulder-first charge, then backs away. He’s just taunting Hornet at this point.
SB: Which is a mark in his favor…
BB: Hornet has a size advantage in this one, but he’s being very careful not to dive in too quickly. He doesn’t know who is under that mask, whether it’s someone he’s wrestled before or not. The only clue he has is that Vacant has said wrestled lucha before, but we don’t even know if that’s true.
SB: Does it matter? I thought the almighty Hornet could beat anybody?
BB: I guess we’ll see. The two finally lock up. Hornet pushes Vacant against the ropes, but the masked man rolls over Hornet’s shoulders coming across and ends up on the other side. DROPKICK! Hornet hits the ropes, but doesn’t go down. Vacant follows up… another dropkick! And Hornet goes through the ropes!!!
SB: This just gets better and better.
BB: Hornet hits the mats and then that outer barricade, where fans in the front row reach over to give him encouragement.
SB: And slap a grown man’s sweaty chest like they like it… not that there’s anything wrong with that.
BB: Thanks Seinfeld. Hornet’s up on the outside. SUICIDE DIVE!!! Vacant just came over the top with a tope and almost took Hornet’s head off! He flipped him over that rail and now both men are in the front row!
SB: Yikes, some Puerto Rican guy got kicked in the head and went down like he’d been shot.
BB: Hornet and Vacant are trying to get back to their feet and get back into the ring.
(As Vacant gets to his feet, the fan who was caught in the melee dives in, catching the masked man with a punch to the midsection that does no damage. Vacant retaliates with a punch that sends the fan staggering into Hornet, who has made it to his feet as well. Hornet delivers a backhand that spins the man around and back towards Vacant, who drops the man with a European uppercut as security rushes in.)
SB: Looks like they’ve found one common enemy for the moment.
BB: And that, folks, is why you shouldn’t try and get involved in the action. Hornet heads for the barricade, but Vacant clobbers him in the back of the head with an elbow that sends him over and down!
(As Vacant hops the barricade, security has hold of the dazed fan, who is still yelling obscenities and appears to be foaming at the mouth.)
BB: Vacant rolls into the ring, where referee Ben Worthington has been pretty generous with the count due to the fan interference. Hornet pulls himself up on the apron… BASEBALL SLIDE by Vacant, but it misses as Hornet spins away in time! Vacant goes sliding out of the ring and hits the mats hard! BIG elbow by Hornet! And now he’s just stomping a mudhole into the smaller man.
SB: Can’t beat him in the ring, so he’s gotta make it dirty?
BB: Um, didn’t Vacant just dive outside on Hornet a second ago?
SB: Yeah, but that had class.
BB: I see. Hornet rolls back inside to wait for the masked man to recover or to get counted out. Vacant takes his time recovering, letting the count get higher and higher.
SB: The wrestling equivalent of a time out. Unless you’re Chris Webber and forget how to count… if he ever knew how.
BB: Vacant pulls himself up to the apron, only to catch a hip check from Hornet and get knocked back down to the mats! And again, he’s going to take his time trying to get back in.
SB: Like I said, real classy.
BB: If only Eli Flair were here…
SB: What, so he could get beat by Vacant too?
BB: So he could say, “Pot. Kettle. Black.” Vacant’s back onto the apron. Hornet goes for another hipcheck, but the masked man catapults over the ropes and gets a quick small package on the former Unified Champ!! ONE…. NO! Hornet kicks out and quickly rolls away, dodging a leg drop from Vacant. Hornet charges and powers Vacant back into the corner, driving all the wind out of him. A series of hard elbows, and now he pulls the masked man out of the corner and whips him across. Vacant out of the corner immediately, but Hornet catches him with a lariat!!!! Hooks the leg! ONE!!! TWO!!! NO!!! Vacant kicks out and quickly rolls towards the ropes.
SB: Well, we’ve ruled out the masked man being Craig Miles.
BB: How’s that?
SB: Other than the fact that’s he gone for five minutes without a cigarette, he’s just too ring smart. Miles is smart, but in that “Crazy Like A Windham” psychopathic “I have all the mystical knowledge of the universe in my head with makes me a Creator among men” way – not a common sense, let me use the ropes to my advantage without trying to shoot fire out of my mouth or find a jagged piece of glass miraculously at ringside type way. Know what I mean?
BB: No. Thankfully, no. Hornet ignores Vacant’s grasp on the ropes and pulls him to his feet by the mask, issuing a hard right hand right to the earhole. He whips Vacant into the ropes…. HURRICANRANA by the masked man!!!
SB: Good ol’ Frank ‘n Parsons. Not that I miss the Parsons clan or anything. I mean, “Bill, get that outta your mouth!,” was funny the first hundred times or so, but after that, it wears on ya.
BB: Vacant up… Hornet up slowly. He chases Vacant into the corner… Vacant off the second rope!! REVERSE DDT!!! COVER! ONE!!!!! TWO!!!!!! THR…. NO!!!!! Hornet kicks out, and now he’s the one using the ropes to try and get a breather. Vacant grabs a leg to pull him away from the ropes… but he gets kicked in the chest and pushed back for his trouble. Hornet to his feet, charging… but Vacant slides through his legs and goes for a roll up! He’s got tights! ONE!!!! TWO!!!! NO!!! Hornet kicks out again, and he doesn’t look happy.
SB: Oh goodness me, someone save us from the angry bug!
BB: Vacant with a big uppercut, but Hornet shrugs it off and fires back with a hard right. Worthington warns about the closed fist, but the two man keep trading blows back and forth. Vacant goes to whip Hornet across but gets reversed… Vacant hard into the corner, but again, he quickly rolls through, making sure not to leave himself open to the Hornet Splash. Instead, Hornet pulls Vacant off the ropes… what? Full Nelson! He hooks him in a full nelson in the middle of the ring – we haven’t seen this out of Hornet in years!
SB: In his old age, he’s having flashbacks of his youth.
BB: No, I think he’s going with a different tact. He’s bigger than Vacant, and he’s going to use his power to his advantage. The masked man tries to power out, but is stuck with his arms wrenched behind his head. A full nelson’s not painful enough to force a submission, but it sure will slow down the smaller man, especially as Hornet uses his height to pull Vacant off his feet for a few seconds and work on that flow of oxygen to the head.
SB: We’ve gone from the vaunted Scorpion Deathlock to this?
BB: It seems to be working. Now, Hornet throws Vacant to the mat. But there’s no rest for the weary as the US Champion catches the masked man with a kneelift and then sends him full force across the ring and into the far turnbuckle, knocking the wind out of him! Vacant doesn’t roll out immediately this time… and Hornet’s setting up!
(CSWAvision erupts in light as the words “EL TORO” begin flashing. A moment later, “Ride of the Valkyries” begins blasting over the speaker system. The crowd leaps to its feet.)
BB: What in the… !?
SB: Things are getting good now!!!
BB: Hornet turns towards the entrance, ready to fight an army if he needs to! That music belongs to a man who could easily be called Hornet’s former nemesis, GUNS! But we know Vacant can’t be GUNS…he’s about a hundred pounds too light.
SB: But remember who El Toro was the last time….
BB: Three men have worn the El Toro mask…. GUNS, Hornet and… the man who’s been banned from the CSWA… Craig Miles. We know that Hornet believes his last match was a pitfall set by Miles, since Blaine Hollywood works for Craig. But what’s going on here? LOOK OUT! Vacant from behind with a release German suplex!!! But Hornet rolls through and charges!!! FLYING CLOTHESLINE! Vacant goes through the ropes!
(CSWAvision isn’t done. “WASP” begins flashing on the screens as Ben Harper’s cover of “Voodoo Chile” plays over the loudspeakers.)
BB: Hornet’s standing in the middle of the ring, waiting, while Vacant recovers on the outside. But still, there’s no one coming out from behind the curtains. We’ve got Eddie Mayfield’s entrance music blaring, but no sign of the man who once taunted Hornet under the WASP mask. Plus, Eddie’s banned from the CSWA too. What in the world is going on here?
SB: I’d say somebody is playing some mind games here, Buckley.
BB: Yeah, but the question is who? Craig Miles? Eddie Mayfield?
SB: Don’t forget… there was one other man involved with the whole ‘resurrection of past masked and otherwise useless characters…,” and he just happens to still be in this tournament.
BB: Troy Windham.
SB: And they say you’re losing a step, Buckley.
BB: Hornet ignores the rampway and heads back over to where he sent Vacant through the ropes… but Vacant isn’t there!
(Vacant has used the time to get around the ring to the opposite side. As Hornet turns around, Vacant, now on the apron, leaps to the middle of the top rope and catapults himself off…)
BB: LOOK OUT! SPRINGBOARD LARIAT!!!!! LARIAT! ONE!!!!!! TWO!!!!! NO!!!!! Hornet rolls through, but he almost had his head taken off for the second time in this match!
SB: And now he’s going to get it taken off once and for all!
BB: The masked man is setting Hornet up in the corner… he turns him upside down from the second rope! This could end his career!!!!
SB: YES! X MARKS THE SPOT!
BB: PILEDRIVER!!! FROM THE SECOND ROPE!!! He drags Hornet away from the ropes and falls on top of the US Champion! ONE!!!! TWO!!!!! THREE!!!!!!!!! I can’t believe this….
SB: Either can I! But I LOVE IT!
BB: I don’t know if this “Vacant” set up these distractions to help him out or not… if he did, somebody better figure out who he is, because he’s incredibly dangerous to the rest of the Final Four.
SB: Hey, I say we just give him the belt right now. Anybody who can make me squeal like a little girl should be the UNIFIED Champion.
BB: Have I told you lately that you disgust me?
SB: You know you love me, Buckley.
BB: Fans, we’ll be right back after this break.
As PRIMETIME comes back from commercial, we find STEVE RADDER walking through the halls of the Rose Garden in Portland. It's the usual pre-show hustle and bustle, people running all over the place.
"Some things never do change ..." Radder mutters under his breath, then chuckles; it was just last show when he thought everything had changed.
Immediately after the PRIMETIME show in San Francisco, a kid in a FedEx outfit stopped in on his locker room, handing him a document holder.
"You don't need to sign for it, though," said the kid in a voice not yet finished changing, after which he turned on his heel and left quickly.
There was a single sheet of paper inside, stating only, "You are obligated to show up for SHOWTIME in Portland," signed by Stephen Thomas. It wasn't the first time he'd received something similar to this. Steve Radder wasn't scheduled for any match at the show, and it was a bit of an annoyance to go out of his way for some appearance, but, he'd get paid his appearance fee ...
Still ... he'd rather have gone back to his condo in Santa Monica, back to his familar gym, to train for the Champion's Challenge at PRIMETIME in Denver.
It was so busy in the back no one even seemed to notice he was there. Radder came to the first empty changing room and stepped in.
He wasn't expecting any visitors, but, in the past while, he'd come to expect the unexpected, as cliche and oxymoronic as such a phrase is. Especially when dealing with HER. Of course, someone started pounding on his front door again, and Radder cursed the lack of privacy in his Manhattan walk-up. He tore open the door, ready to tear Kelly a new strip ...
Only it wasn't her. It was him. Bo. Kelly's new trailer-park live in boyfriend. The guy always seemed to have a variety of multi-colored stains on his usually-sleeveless shirts.
"What do you want?" Radder asks, completely exasperated, not even trying to hide his contempt for the person in front of him.
"AH'VE COME TO TELL YEE-OU THAT YEE-OU BETTER NOT BE TAKIN' THAT GIRL ..." Bo started, yelling, apparently the only way he knew to communicate.
"If you don't leave ... and leave soon ... you've come to get your ass kicked, my friend," Radder replied, his face already reddening.
"SOME BIG TALKER YEE-OU ARE, MR. BIG-SHOT," Bo began, again with the yelling, this time poking Radder in the chest with his index finger. The next minute he was screaming, Radder holding his wrist at an impossible angle.
"Shut it, or I break it," Radder said, to which Bo replied by screaming louder. "Fine then," he mused, adding more pressure. That got the message across. Bo quit the screaming.
"YEE-OU ... THINK ... YEE-OU ALL ARE SOMETHIN' ELSE ... WRASTLIN' AT THE BIG EVENT ... AN' NOT ... FORKIN' ... ANY ... OF THE MONEY ... AN' ... TAKIN' ... THE GIRL ..." Bo said, panting heavily.
"If I see you again," Radder began, his voice rising, "I will break both of your #@$% arms. And your #@$% legs." Radder twisted Bo's index finger ... the poker ... breaking it, causing Bo to scream again ... briefly. "And you'd better learn that it's rude to poke people like that, you #@$% redneck." Radder let go, and Bo stumbled back.
Radder looked at him quizically. The visit was almost the same as the one he received from the other pair of the Grusome Twosome earlier today.
"What are you doing here anyway?" Radder had gone off again, forgetting where he was. His head snapped around to the sound, preparing to yell about the intrusion. Instead, he counted to three silently.
"What's that?" He asked, with just a tinge of exasperation.
"What are you doing here, anyway?" Asked the man in the doorway, in some snappy, official-looking suit.
"Who are you?" A little more tension in his voice.
"Mr. Thomas' assistant. What are you doing here? You're not scheduled for anything, not even an interview, and if you think you're getting paid ..."
"Thomas," Radder growled, and got up off of the bench, brushing past the man. He'd lost valuable training time ... time he needed to brush off the ring rust. Thomas would have to wait. For now, Radder had to get back to LA, to prepare for the mini-tournament and the best revenge he knew.
Presidential Tournament First Round
Minion vs. Kyan Trory Coffee
BB: Well Sammy, it’s time for our final Presidential Championship Tournament match in the first round, and this one is interesting, as we have Kyan Trory Coffee taking on Minion.
SB: What? This Minion guy is taking on Starbucks?
BB: In a word, no, Sammy. But close.
SB: Hey, I’m the one who dispenses snarky comments here.
(CUEUP: “Don’t Let the Bastards Grind You Down.” Enter Kyan.]
RJ: Introducing first, from Tallahassee, Florida, weighing in at 235 pounds... KYAN TRORY COFFEE!!!
BB: And here’s Kyan Trory Coffee, a former member of the short-lived but critically-acclaimed Squared Circle promotion.
SB: So the cup of coffee got a cup of coffee workin’ for Avalon. Brilliant guy he is.
BB: Was, Sammy, don’t speak ill of the dead.
SB: Wait, he died? Oh, well, that explains a few things.
(CUEUP: “You’re All I’ve Got Tonight.” Enter Minion.]
RJ: And his opponent, from Los Angeles, California, weighing in at 230 pounds... MINION!
BB: Minion’s résumé is a little more impressive. He actually won the BAD Heavyweight Championship.
SB: BAD? He was in a Michael Jackson video? Impressive, but still, is he a cup of coffee? All this Starbucks guy has to do is pour himself on Minion and he’s got a scalding hot victory.
BB: Will you stop it Sammy? Let’s get started in the ring.
(SFX: DING DING DING)
BB: Kyan and Minion lock up, and Kyan with a quick jawbreaker! Minion flies back and Kyan catches him with a lariat, Minion to the canvas.
SB: Well, Coffee Bean can move around a bit.
BB: That he can, Sam. Kyan off the ropes and elbow drop on the prone Minion there, Kyan with the cover... one... no! Quick kickout from Minion.
SB: Kid’s got spunk, I’ll give him that. But still, I expected more from somebody who was in an 80s dance video. Hold on...wouldn't he have to be older...
BB: Kyan picks Minion up to his feet and Frank’n’Parsons into a pinning predicament... one... and another quick kickout.
SB: Coffee Bean wants to end this match quickly, but it looks like he’s far from putting this Minion character away.
BB: Well Sammy, kickouts expend energy, and they look good... just like Kyan is looking good right now. He sits Kyan up, rear headlock.
SB: The dreaded resthold!
BB: Oh quiet down Sammy, sound tactics here, trying to wear down Minion a little bit. Both of these men are coming back into the game after some kind of layoff. It’s not showing right now, at least on Kyan’s end.
SB: Yeah, but you gotta believe that Coffee Bean won’t dominate this match forever.
BB: Kyan’s released the hold now, and now he’s up, waiting for Minion to get up and shake out the cobwebs. Minion’s up, wobbly and now Kyan’s to the top. Minion turns around and... LEAPING SPEAR FROM THE TOP! Kyan covers... one... two... thr.. NO! Minion kicks out!
SB: That was an impressive move. Maybe he is going to make short work of this Minion guy.
BB: Kyan gets Minion up, and it looks like he’s going for the S.K.A. Thrust kick and... NO! Minion caught it and he just reversed it into a reverse Achilles’ lock!
SB: Coffee Bean got ground up!
BB: Minion has just shifted the momentum in this match! He’s got that hold locked in and Kyan gets in the ropes. The ref counts one, two, Minion breaks the hold.
SB: A little overzealous there.
BB: Both men are back up and a little woozy. Kyan in with a right, but it’s caught by Minion, spins him around... back drop! Minion with the quick cover... one... two... Kyan kicks right out after two. Minion right up and drops one knee, two knees, three knees right across Kyan’s throat in succession.
SB: You’d think he doesn’t like to hear Coffee Bean talk.
BB: Perhaps not, Sammy. Minion with a cover... one... two... Kyan kicks out! Minion back up, and he’s waiting for Kyan to get up... kick to the gut, could we see Redemption here?
SB: Looking to finish the match already...
BB: He locks the arms... no! Kyan breaks free, but Minion with another kick to the gut and... VICIOUS piledriver, Memphis quality! Minion covers... one... two... thr...NO! Kyan kicks out. Minion is up.
SB: Signaling to the crowd here.
BB: That he is, and now he’s got Kyan up... kick to the gut, locks the arms... no! Kyan blocks, but Minion with a knee to the gut... REDEMPTION! REDEMPTION! He covers... one... two... THREE!
(SFX: Bell rings.)
RJ: Here is your winner, MINION!!
BB: Minion has advanced in the Presidential Championship Tournament with a hard-fought victory over Kyan Trory Coffee. He'll go on to face Jay Phoenix next week at PRIMETIME! Coming up in just a moment... just a sec, folks...
The Ins-and-Outs of Guy Code
BB: Well, Sammy, it sounds like we're going to hear from JA, from what I hear on my headset.
SB: Really? I thought he quit.
BB: No, that was just you being cynical when you said he was going to quit if he didn't beat that 'Vacant' fellow.
SB: Well, I hope he does quit. Maybe this is his resignation speech.
[Cut to somewhere in the back in the Rose Garden, in front of a CSWA backdrop, we see the Anglo Luchador himself in a pair of khaki slacks and his first officially licensed JA CSWA t-shirt holding a microphone, with his valet Lollipop dressed in a black camisole and Daisy Dukes right beside him.]
BB V/O: Well JA, we're told you have a few words for us.
JA: in Hogan voice I do, and you know what, Mean Gene?
BB: Jay, it's Bill Buckley.
JA: normal voice Oh, um, sorry... well you know what Bill Buckley, SHOWTIME here in Portland has the second round of the Unified World Title tournament, and I'm not a part of it.
Now, I'm not one to cry over spilled milk, because a loss is a loss. I wouldn't be in this business if I couldn't take the fact that at the end of the night, one competitor had to lose.
However, what I don't like is when I get screwed out of a match.
SB V/O: And how exactly did you get screwed?
JA: Well duh, weren't you calling the match, bozo? Anger-bot went and punched me in the groin. That's not exactly what I call fair, and it's certainly a violation of Guy Code.
BB V/O: Guy Code?
JA: Yeah. There are just certain things you don't do. One, you don't sleep with your friend's sister. Two, you don't c[bleep]-block. Three, if you're the wingman, you buy your buddy and the chick he's trying to nail a drink, and most importantly, you don't hit another guy in the groin. I mean, that's just wrong, wrong, I mean, Sammy the Bull, you seem like the randy one of the group there. You wouldn't want to have an evening of sex ruined because you got nailed in the balls, would you?
SB V/O: Well... no.
JA: Yeah, well that's exactly what happened last PRIMETIME. He nailed me in the grapefruits, and Lollipop and I couldn't have sex that night because I was swollen down there and NOT in a good way either.
Lolli: And like, I was disappointed because, like, I like to have sex more than he does.
JA: And when my lady gets disappointed, well, I get pissed.
BB V/O: flabbergasted Well, um, I just don't know what to say other than I'm sorry.
JA: Well Billy Bean, you're not the one who has to be sorry. Anger-bot is. In fact, I don't think I'd want to be that bucket of bolts with the voice modulator right now because I really want to shove my boot so far up his a[bleep] that he'll be tasting my boot leather on his taste-bud chips for the next week. In fact, when I get done with him, he'll need a voice modulator legit.
BB V/O: So what you're saying is you plan on assaulting him sometime before the Final Four takes place at CSWA 17, or maybe even interfering in one of his matches?
JA: Well, I can't say what will happen, because I don't want to show my hand, but I'm gonna get some payback, or my name isn't Chester Finch.
BB V/O: Is your name Chester Finch?
JA: Oh, nah, I'm just joshing you. But seriously, revenge.
[Cut back to the announce table.]
BB: Well, that was certainly an informational segment.
SB: I didn't even know there was such a thing as Guy Code.
BB: Fans, we're coming right back after this break with more UNIFIED Tournament action.
UNIFIED World Tournament Quarterfinals
Dan Ryan vs. High Flyer
BB: Back we are and we come to a most interesting matchup as we see The Neighborhood Lunatic take on The Ego Buster.
SB: This’ll be an interesting mix of style, Buckley – but my money’s on the big man.
BB: High Flyer took Cameron Cruise out of the tournament in quick order, but he’ll face a much bigger challenged in the former World Champion.
SB: Well it’s not like Cameron Cruise was a world-beater. Having said that though, Ryan can have a tendency to feel out an opponent he’s facing for the first time. If Flyer gets some shots in, he may not give Dan a chance to recover.
(Cut to the ring, where Rhubarb Jones stands ready for his close-up.)
RJ: Ladies and gentlemen this match is for one fall….and is a quarterfinal matchup in the tournament for the UNIFIED World Championship!!
(Crowd noise and various popping)
RJ: Introducing first….
(The lights dim to a light blue, as some particles slowly fall from the ceiling into the crowd. It’s snow, lightly being dropped from the heavens, as the opening chords to “Loco” by Coal Chamber begins to play. At the songs peak, white pyro shoots out of the ring and reilluminates the arena, as the snow continues to fall, now only on the entrance ramp, on top High Flyer’s head.)
RJ: ….weighing in at 204 and a quarter pounds, he hails from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, but currently resides in his Summer Home of Orlando, Florida….a two-time former World Champion and former fWo Internet, Cruiserweight and United States Champion…..the Neighborhood Lunatic….HIIIIIIGGHHH FLYYYYYYEEEEER!!!!!!
(High Flyer, the small and agile man with a bit of strength and a mean streak stalks to the ring. He once again has on the tA/21w Immortals Championship that he won from Kellen Kinkade, as he basks in the lights of the CSWA. Fans cheer a little bit more this time, more familiar with the newcomer.)
BB: High Flyer looking good on his way to the ring.
SB: You’re not gonna ask him out or anything are you?
BB: Not my bag, Sammy….not that there’s anything wrong with that.
SB: Naturally. And now YOU'RE the one using my Seinfeld jokes.
(Cue up: "Zero" by Smashing Pumpkins.)
(Thunderous crowd pop)
RJ: And his opponent…..
(CUT TO: 'Ego Buster' flashes across the screen in rapid contrasting black and white. CUT TO: Dan Ryan gorrilla presses Kevin Powers from inside the ring to the floor below. CUT TO: The word "YOU" flashes on the screen. CUT TO: Dan Ryan throws 'Living Legend' Mark Windham from the second level of Key Arena down to the first level. CUT TO: the word "ARE". CUT TO: Dan Ryan clotheslines 'Cocky' Craig Miles, nearly taking his head off. CUT TO: the word "BUSTED" CUT TO: rapid shots of Dan Ryan pulverizing opponents with the Humility Bomb, a last ride power bomb landing high angle on the neck.)
(Ryan walks down to ringside as pyro erupts along the ramp beside him.)
RJ: Weighing in at 330 pounds….from Houston, TX….he is the former CSWA Heavyweight Champion of the World…..”The Ego Buster”….DAAAAAANNNNN RYYYYYYAAAAANNNN!!
(Ryan approaches the ring, rolls under the bottom rope and climbs a corner turnbuckle, simply glaring through the sunglasses into the crowd.)
BB: Always impressive, Dan Ryan is in the ring and it’s hard to hear myself in here right now!
SB: I’m kinda wishing I couldn’t hear you, myself.
BB: Ryan down to the mat now and handing his various ring accessories to Rhubarb…
(SFX: Ding ding ding!!)
BB: …High Flyer does the same and we’re underway!!
SB: Tonight we find out if Flyer gets squashed like a bug or Ryan learns a thing or two about fWo talent as he’s shown his disdain for the fWo style in the past.
(CSWAvision is going a little wacky again...)
Fallen bodies. Owners on islands.
(Again, it seems to go unnoticed by the commentators, except for maybe a little hitch before Buckley starts calling the match.)
BB: Ryan and Flyer circling as Flyer looks to be in tremendous shape.
SB: Again with the commenting on the man. You sure you…
BB: I’m sure, Sammy.
SB: Just making sure. Cuz I knew a few people…I could arrange a meeting…
BB: (sigh) Flyer sliding in the direction of Ryan, but stops short and comes to his feet. Ryan just stands and looks at the smaller man as he waits for the Neighborhood Lunatic to make his move. Flyer backs up a step and leans in for the lock up…..
SB: Ryan’s got the power advantage by far….
BB: Ryan easily gains control and backs High Flyer into the ropes as the referee comes over to call for the break. Ryan breaks and comes down hard on High Flyer’s chest with a two handed slap that echoes throughout the arena!!
BB: Not quite a knife edged chop but High Flyer is feeling it anyway, holding his chest with an annoyed look on his face while the former champ backs away smiling.
SB: Just a shot across the bow there, Buckley. Nothing too serious.
BB: Both men approach each other in the center of the ring and lockup once more. This time High Flyer slips around behind Ryan and bounces back into the ropes…..dropkick to the back of the knee!! Ryan drops to a knee!!
SB: There’s the quickness!
BB: Flyer bounds into the opposite ropes as Ryan regains his footing…..Flyer springs off the ropes…LOU THESZ PRESS!! High Flyer is on top and firing away on the head of Dan Ryan with lefts and rights!!
SB: Only one way to take down a tree.
BB: Flyer back up now as Ryan lies dazed on the mat, backing into the ropes…sprints forward and leaps into a senton across the legs of Ryan!!
SB: Well that was original….
BB: Flyer now locking the right leg of Ryan into a standing figure four and Ryan slaps the mat in pain!!…Flyer drops to the mat and Ryan lets out a scream at the sharp pain driving through that knee!!
SB: One you got the big man down, you gotta keep him down…and that means getting after the legs. Very smart move by High Flyer here.
BB: Flyer pulling back hard on the leg, but Ryan lurches his body back and grabs hold of the bottom rope…..and Flyer breaks the hold on the count from the ref.
SB: Ryan in some trouble here but this is par for the course for him. Now we see if he’s able to counter this offense.
BB: Flyer up quickly and over to Ryan near the ropes….a right hand to the head, another and a quick back elbow jab snaps Ryan head back and causes him to reach up and grab at his jaw…
SB: OHH! Caught right on the point of the jaw!
BB: Flyer now sprinting across the ring and comes charging back at Ryan but RYAN LIFTS HIM HIGH WITH A SPINEBUSTER THAT PLANTS HIGH FLYER OVER THE TOP ROPE!!
SB: There’s your counter!!
BB: Ryan slumps to his knees in the ring, but High Flyer is on the arena floor our here on the mats holding his back!! What impact on the spinebuster!!
SB: Hey, it’s bad enough taking one of those in the ring. When a guy like Dan Ryan drives you from about ten feet up down to a hard floor covered by nothing but an inch thick blue mat….well, let’s just say I’m glad it’s not me.
BB: Ryan rolls to the outside and yanks Flyer up by the hair. Ryan with High Flyer against the apron and he just drives him back-first into the ring….and again…and again!!..And Flyer slumps to the floor!
SB: High Flyer is known for having some suspect ribs right now, Buckley. You know that hasn’t escaped Dan Ryan’s attention.
BB: Ryan drags Flyer up again and rolls him into the ring. Ryan up on the apron, climbing in and laying the boots to the Neighborhood Lunatic! Ryan pulling the leg up and returns the favor by dropping a big elbow across the knee! Ryan stays over the top of the knee and holds on tight, wrenching it as hard as he can!
SB: That’s the problem with Dan Ryan returning the favor on a move like this….about a hundred pounds and enough muscle to make Balco salivate.
BB: Ryan holds on tight as Flyer takes a hand full of hair and tries to get Ryan to break the hold….Ryan gets free, but chooses to break the hold anyway holding onto the leg….Ryan draps the leg across the bottom rope and drives his backside down into the knee!!
SB: He’s locked in on a body part now! It would behoove High Flyer to get out of there as soon as possible!
BB: Ryan drives down on the knee again and again!! Flyer finally gets his leg off the rope but the damage is done!!
SB: He’s grasping the knee now. Probably forgot he even has a rib injury!
BB: Ryan pulls Flyer roughly up by the hair and drives him back hard into the corner. Flyer only putting weight on one leg while Ryan drives in with a hard back elbow!! Again!! And High Flyer slumps to a seated position!! Ryan reaches down and pulls Flyer up…..and lifts him into the air with two hands!!
SB: Flyer’s in no-man’s land!!
BB: Ryan now….WAIT….Flyer with a thumb to the eyes and Ryan drops him to his feet in the corner!! High Flyer is still having trouble with that leg but he’s trying to shake it off. Ryan turns and heads back to the corner and meets the boot of Flyer!!
SB: Time for a rally!
BB: High Flyer takes the opportunity to quickly lift Ryan up….only gets him up a few inches, but it’s all he needs as he drops him neck first over the top rope!!
SB: Little man finds second wind!!
BB: Flyer snatches up the leg of Ryan as he staggers around the ring…..Dragon Screw!! Flyer lays in some vicious kicks to the thigh of Ryan…..Screw into a release and Ryan goes flying!!!
SB: You’ve been waiting to say screw haven’t you?
BB: Ryan stumbles to his feet but High Flyer is right there….he leaps up for the hurricanrana….NO….High Flyer spins around behind and falls back with a reverse and rolls into that elevated Boston Crab!! It’s the Peaceful Slumber!!
SB: He’s got it locked in but he’s a little too close to the ropes!
BB: High Flyer holding on as Ryan writhes on the mat but the much smaller Flyer is having a hard time keeping him away from the ropes!! Ryan only inches away! Flyer recognizes the situation and drops the leg and drives an elbow onto the back and shoulder area of Dan Ryan!!
SB: Great call right there. Ryan was an inch or so away from breaking the move and High Flyer made sure the momentum remained his!
BB: Flyer back up and drags Ryan up into a standing headscissors….underhook and he’s going for Hypothermia but he’s having some trouble getting him up….Ryan lifting him now up and down hard with a backdrop driver near the corner!! Ryan drapes an arm over High Flyer!! ONE…..TWO!!…..TH…..NO!! Foot on the rope near the turnbuckle!!
SB: Excellent counter by Ryan and he was THIS close to moving on….
BB: Ryan slow to his feet but matching Flyer step for step in regaining his bearings….Ryan with a HARD boot to the midsection and roughly puts High Flyer in the standing headscissors!!!
SB: Humility Bomb time!!!
BB: Ryan with a thumb across the throat!! Lifts Flyer up…..Flyer grabs the top rope on his way up!! He’s holding on for dear life as Dan Ryan tries to pull him away!!! Ryan takes a step toward the rope to get some slack and HIGH FLYER USES THE MOMENTUM TO SLING HIM OUT OF THE RING!!!
SB: What a smart guy this High Flyer is turning out to be!! He saw a small opening and pounced all over it!!
BB: High Flyer back up quickly and running on adrenaline…he grabs the top rope and leaps up….SPRINGBOARD SHOOTING STAR PRESS ONTO RYAN AND HE CATCHES HIM FLUSH IN THE JAW WITH HIS KNEE!!!
SB: Talk about your bad luck!!
BB: Dan Ryan is practically out cold but High Flyer caught his knee on the way down and is clutching it on the floor!!
SB: This is where ring strategy really pays off, Buckley. Instead of High Flyer being in control of this thing, he’s just as bad off as Ryan here and maybe worse if he can’t stand.
BB: Ryan pulling himself up by the railing…to his feet now and with a rush dives down onto High Flyer peppering him with lefts and rights on the arena floor!!! Ryan pulls him up again….another standing headscissors!! Not on the floor!!!
SB: By all means!! On the floor! On the floor!!
BB: Ryan pulls High Flyer up into position for the Humility Bomb!! High Flyer fighting back with lefts and rights, fighting for his life up there!! Ryan struggling….yelling and SLAMS HIM DOWN SIDEWAYS OVER THE RAILING!!!!
(SFX: Crowd goes “OHHHHH!!!”)
SB: Wow, bet he remembers the rib injury now…..
BB: What an unbelievable show of brute force! Ryan just crushed High Flyer’s ribs!
SB: Well you know Buckley, that’s what you get when you publicize an injury like that. I’ve had an ailing groin muscle for years now and nobody’s known about it. It’s only when some aspiring young female masseuse is kind enough to give it a little massage that I….
BB: That’s…quite enough of that.
SB: Just sayin’
BB: Ryan jerks High Flyer off of the rail and he drops to the floor. Ryan reaches down AND HIGH FLYER JUST DROVE HIS ARM UP INTO THE NETHER REGIONS!! RYAN IS DOWN AGAIN!!
SB: Well, I jinxed the man. He’s not gonna be too pleased with me when he sees the tape.
BB: Ryan flailing on the ground and Flyer is just getting to his feet both limping and grasping onto his ribs….Ryan to his feet swings the right hand but Flyer blocks it….Flyer with a driving headbutt and Ryan goes back and into the ring steps!!
BB: Flyer on the move….dropkick to a seated Ryan and his head snaps back on the steps!
BB: The referee is screaming for both men to get in the ring and I don’t think they realize the count is up to seven!!
SB: And we’re talking a VERY slow count, too!!
BB: High Flyer ignoring the count and he’s looking around for something….digging under the ring and he PULLS OUT A SLEDGEHAMMER!!!
SB: Uh oh…
BB: Flyer turns around but Dan Ryan is up!! SUPERKICK TO THE JAW!!!! Down goes the sledgehammer! Down goes High Flyer!! Ryan over to Flyer and pulls him up, slips around….DRAGON SUPLEX!! High Flyer’s head just bounced off that mat on the floor!!
(SFX: Ding ding ding!!!!)
SB: Flyer’s out cold but we’ve got the dreaded no-contest ring of doom I’m afraid!
(Rhubarb Jones climbs in next the the ref.)
RJ: Ladies and gentlemen, both men have been counted out….the result of the match….a NO CONTEST DOUBLE COUNT OUT!!!!
(SFX: loud crowd booing)
BB: Not a popular call here but what can ya say?
SB: The question now is, what happens to the tourney? This would be a convenient way for Stephen Thomas to eliminate a thorn in his side in Dan Ryan.
BB: Could be, but he could also force a rematch ala Jean Rabesque and Boogie Smallz.
SB: Either way, a hell of a matchup that I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of.
(CUT TO: Ryan walking up the ramp, visibly aggravated. CUT BACK: High Flyer coming to his feet still limping slightly and favoring his ribcage.)
BB: Another break... but we're coming right back to VINCE JACOBS vs. BOOGIE SMALLZ!
UNIFIED World Tournament Quarterfinals
'Superstar' Vince Jacobs vs. Boogie Smallz
(CUE UP: "Black Superman" by Above The Law)PRO WRESTLING’S PHENOMENON
The crowd exploded in cheers for Boogie as he made his way quickly down to the ring. You know that the man Boogie was facing had to be a much hated man if Boogie was getting cheers to no end. That’s right he was facing the CSWA’s resident egomaniac. The big man was ready for action as he awaited his opponent for the night. His wish was about to come true.
"I didn't have to come to the CSWA to be a Superstar."
It was amazing how hated SVJ had become in his short time in the CSWA.
"... I brought my spotlight with me."
Vince sauntered his way out on the stage as the fans jeered the man to no end. Jacobs put his hand to his ear as if to say ‘I can’t hear you’. He stood on the stage for a few seconds as the pyro went off in a big star behind him.
"The bank account is thick and his pockets is fat
Peep the smirk on his face when he watchin' you tap
A 3-Count or submission, which steez you wanna go?
Cuz this muthafucka right here's the reason there's a show!"
Jacobs slowly made his way down to the ring flipping off the fans in the process. He was going to make Boogie wait as he finally makes it to the ring. He climbs into the ring ready for action.
BB: Looks like we are ready for what should be one hell of a match.
SB: You've really started getting a mouth on ya.. I remember the days when you wouldn't say "hell" for fear of your wife smacking you around with a Bible.
BB: Jacobs has been on a tear in this tournament and Boogie better be careful with this guy.
SB: So, Buckley, you're getting on the SVJ bandwagon, huh?
BB: I think the guy is a tremendous athlete but that’s it. I don’t like his attitude, obviously.
SB: You’ll love it after this match. Especially after he knocks the high outta Boogie.
The bell rings as the bigger Boogie tries to go right for Jacobs who uses his quickness to get away from Boogie. Boogies corners Vince and drives him backwards into the corner. Boogie drives several elbow shots into the smaller Jacobs.
BB: Those elbows look nasty.
Boogie grabs Vince and whips him into the far corner. He races into the corner as Vince moves out of the way quickly. He turns around and drives his shoulder into Boogie’s midsection several times. Vince looks into the crowd as he nails Boogie with a knife edge chop to the chest.
BB: Vince needs to hit and run on the big man.
Jacobs nails Boogie with another chop but this one doesn’t fade the big man as Vince tries a big punch but Boogie again shakes it off. Boogs drops Vince with a big right hand. Jacobs grabs his chin as he rolls to the floor trying to put some space between him and Boogie. The fans in the front row got on Vince for going to the floor.
BB: Why is Vince on the floor? He can’t handle the big man.
SB: He is just rethinking his strategy. Give him a chance, Buckley.
Vince slowly rolls into the ring as the ref is up to a six count but he rolls right back on the floor to give himself more time. This infuriates Boogie as he goes to the floor to bring Jacobs into the ring the hard way. Jacobs sees this and starts to run to the other side of the ring as Boogie gives chase. SVJ rolls into the ring. Boogie finally climbs into the ring and is met by a dropkick to the head from Vince.
SB: Like I said… rethinking.
Vince goes on the attack quickly with rights and lefts to Boogie’s head. He is not letting the big man get to his feet as he continues his onslaught. Vince quickly grabs Boogie and whips him into the ropes. Jacobs nails Boogie with a spinning heel kick that takes the big man completely off his feet. Vince poses for the crowd as he hears the jeers again.
BB: Now is that really necessary?
SB: Of course it is. He is showing you why he is the man. I tell you, SVJ's getting higher and higher on my list. And you know being on Sammy’s list makes you very special.
Vince picks up Boogie again and whips him into the ropes. Vince goes for a back body drop but Boogie stops in front of Jacobs and drops him to the mat with a Double Arm DDT. Boogie sits on Vince’s chest and starts to drive his right hand into Vince’s face.
SB: That’s not fair. He is using closed fists.
BB: I think Boogie is trying to close Vince’s mouth for good. Either that, or he thinks SVJ is going after his stash.
Boogie picks up Vince and slams him quickly to the mat again. Boogs picks up Jacobs and whips him into the ropes. He races in and drops Vince to the mat with a running knee lift. Boogie quickly goes for the cover on Jacobs.
BB: The ref drops down for the cover. ONE… TWO… KICKOUT!!
SB: Come on Vince.
Boogie hooks Vince in a sleeper hold in the middle of the ring. He puts all his weight down on the Superstar as Jacobs slowly drifts. Jacobs is on one knee as Boogie puts his three hundred pounds on Vince’s back. The ref goes over to check on Vince.
BB: He lifts Vince’s arm up once and it falls.
SB: This is not good.
BB: He lifts Vince’s arm up again and falls again.
SB: Come on Vince… Fight it!!
The ref raises Vince’s arm up again but this time it doesn’t drop as he quickly turns into the hold and drives Boogie down to the mat with a desperation side suplex. Both men laid on the mat as the ref started his ten count.
BB: That was a desperation move by Vince.
SB: Who you callin' desperate, Buckley?
Ref: One… Two… Three… Four… Five… Six… Seven…
Both men start to get to their feet. Boogie pulling himself up and Jacobs with the help of the ropes. Boogie raced toward Jacobs as Vince dropped down holding the top rope and Boogs flew to the floor. Vince gathered himself before hoping on the top rope and nailing Boogie with the Ratings Grabber to the floor. The crowd erupted in jeers for Vince but they also threw in some cheers for the move he just executed.
BB: That had to be one of the most death-defying moves I've ever seen.
SB: That’s why he’s "the reason there is a show." Because of moves like that.
Vince picks Boogie up and whips him into the steel steps. Boogie knocked over the steps with a sickening thud. Vince knew he had to put the big man down very quickly. He picked up Boogie and rolled him into the ring. Vince climbed onto the apron and came into the ring with a flipping slingshot leg drop. Jacobs hooks the leg for a cover.
BB: One… Two… Th-- NO!!
SB: I can’t believe he kicked out of that.
BB: You and all the other people in attendance tonight.
Jacobs slammed his fist on the mat. He picked up Boogie and nailed him with several European Uppercuts to the chin. Boogie was rocked backwards to the ropes. Jacobs whipped Boogie into the ropes but Boogie reversed it sending Jacobs into the ropes. Vince bounced off the ropes and was caught with a Tilt-A-Whirl backbreaker that shook his spine. Vince flopped on the mat in pain holding his back after that move.
BB: What a reversal by Boogie. He must be getting a second wind.
SB: The weed must be kicking in.
Boogie didn’t go for a cover on Vince. He knew he had to do more damage on the Superstar to keep him down. Boogie picked up Vince for a high vertical suplex but Vince reversed it landing on his feet behind Boogie. Vince turned Boogie around looking for the Star Struck but Boogie blocked it and threw Jacobs off of him. Boogie raced at Vince with a clothesline but Vince ducked and Boogie stopped in his tracks before running down the ref. Vince grabbed Boogie from behind and roll him up for the pinfall attempt.
BB: One… handful of tights… Two… Kickout!! Boogie kicked out even though Vince had a handful of tights.
SB: Damn ref that was three. Can we find some referees that actually count around here?
Boogie picked up Vince and slammed him on the mat with a big body slam. He started to climb to the top rope.
BB: The big man looking to fly.
SB: MOVE VINCE!! All that weight falling on you could kill you.
Boog flies off the top rope and nails Vince with a flying headbutt. Boogie held his head as Vince laid prone on the mat. Boog slowly made his way over to Vince and placed an arm over his chest. The ref dropped down.
BB: One… Two… T-- kickout!!
SB: That’s why’s he’s a Superstar.
BB: SVJ kicks out again. This crowd is stunned.
Vince rolls to the floor and folds up a steel chair and starts to climb into the ring. The ref cuts Vince off and grabs the chair from him. The ref tries to get rid of the chair as Vince and Boog are trading blows in the middle of the ring. Boogie whipped Vince into the corner but Vince reversed it sending Boogie into the corner and the ref in the process.
BB: The ref just got squashed.
SB: Should have moved. But that's the spawn of a Young for you.
Vince rolls to the floor to get the steel chair that the ref tossed. Vince rolled into the ring with the chair as he waited for Boogie to get to his feet. Boog got to his feet and turned around and ducked the chair shot. Boogie dropped Vince with a big clothesline. He picked Vince up and drove him into the mat with a big cradle piledriver. Boogie went for the cover.
BB: One… Two… Three… Four… Five… This match should be over.
SB: That would true but no ref.
Boogie picked up Vince again as the ref just started to stir. Boogie hooked Vince, Face Tha Music. Jacobs reversed it and nailed Boogie with a Superstar Kick
BB: Boogie went for his finisher.
SB: Yeah but he’s lying on his back from a Superstar Kick. Vince is da man.
Jacobs rolls over on top of Boogie and hooks his leg for the pin. The ref was still no where in sight. Vince rolled off of Boogie and kicked the ref in the head to wake him up. Vince looked around the ring and looked at the bodies lying in the ring. He smirked before grabbing the chair and placing it in the middle of the ring. Jacobs picked up Boogie and nailed him with the Star Struck on the chair.
BB: What the hell? Vince is cheating.
SB: Didn't we cover this earlier?
Vince shoves the chair to the floor as the fans erupted in jeers. SVJ hooked Boogie’s leg for the cover as the ref slowly made his way over toward the two men. He made his count.
BB: ONE..... TWO..... THREE!!!!
SB: YEAHH!! It’s over. Vince moves on to the Final Four.
BB: He had to cheat to beat Boogie.
SB: He won and he told everyone in this tournament that he would do anything to gain the Unified Title. Why aren’t you people listening to the man?
BB: Boogie gave one hell of an effort tonight.
SB: Yeah whatever.
BB: Fans, we've only got two commercial breaks left tonight, and this is one of them. But let me give you two words to keep you tuned to U-62.
(During the commercial break, STEPHEN THOMAS charges into the production truck, adjusting a necktie that he's put on on his way over from the gorilla position.)
THOMAS: What the hell is going on with the screens?
PRODUCTION MANAGER: It's the same problem we had last time, but..
THOMAS: I thought you said that couldn't happen again? And the system didn't reboot this time. You said the new security...
PM: I don't know, Mr. Thomas. I thought it was locked up tight. I don't know what could be getting into the system. Not unless it was somehow connected directly...
THOMAS: What do you mean YOU DON'T KNOW?
THOMAS: Figure it out. Because I'm about to go out there and help set up one of the key matches in the pay-per-view that decides whether you get paid or not. And if anything pops up on those screens that I haven't approved... then you won't have to wonder about whether you're gonna get paid.
PM: We're doing everything we...
THOMAS: IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! FIX IT!
STAGE MANAGER: Fifteen seconds back from commercial!
THOMAS: Have you got me? I don't care if you have to cut the feed to the screens for the next segment, but whatever you do, you make sure this... HACKER...or whatever the hell it is, doesn't HIJACK MY FREAKIN' SHOW! GOT IT?
STAGE MANAGER: Five...
PM: Yessir. We'll make sure, sir.
STAGE MANAGER: Back in three...two...
The end of nights we tried to die
Welcome... to the Soldier Side... where there's noone here but me...
BB: The fans are on their feet, Sammy, looking to catch a glimpse of the King of Extreme!
SB: You've got a better chance seeing Cheney these days than Flair... he's like a rare white elk.
(The intro feed into "BYOB" by System of a Down, and CSWAvision showed a montage of his greatest hits, of which, there have been plenty.)
BB: He's here to quell the rumors, I would imagine, about his impending retirement.
SB: Say that again, Buckley. Please?
SB: ...oh, that felt good to hear.
Everybody's going to the party have a real good time... dancin' in the desert, blowin' up the sunshine...
(As Eli hit ringside, he did something uncharacteristic. He did a lap around the ring and slapped some hands, and took a microphone from Rhubarb, before he did the usual, pulled to the top corner, and raised a fist.)
SB: Everyone be quiet, he's announcing his resignation! Go for it, Tricky Dick!
BB: You need help.
(Eli paced the ring while the people called his name)
ELI: I didn't want to be here tonight, y'know.
ELI: Well, think about it. You don't want to see me. You don't deserve that level of boredom. What you deserve is to see the men and women fighting for the UNIFIED title. What you deserve to see is the men and women fighting for the Presidential title. You don't need to hear a man who was World Champion one time six years ago for five months babble on about his stepping down from the business. So, without further--
VOICE: You don't really think you're getting off that easy, do you, Eli?
(CUE UP: "I Just Wanna Have Something to Do" by the Ramones, as CSWA Owner Stephen Thomas strolled out in a business suit, carrying a microphone and an envelope.)
BB: What is Thomas doing here?
SB: He's... dear lord, he's going to try to talk Flair out of it! Someone get out here, the Eagle is down!
ELI: Do us all a favor, Stephen... save your energy. Go work on the presentation of the belts at CSWA17... that's what's really important.
ST: You know, Eli... a lot's been said about you over the years. A lot's been done to you. And you've done just as much right on back. And you're right, what matters right now is the UNIFIED Championship. But we here at the CSWA, under my leadership, are committed to respecting the past just as much as we are embracing the future.
SB: Tell that to the Co--
ST: And it's with that in mind, Eli, that I have a proposition for you.
(Eli leaned back into the ropes and rolled his eyes.)
ST: Oh, I know what you're thinking... you don't have to listen to this. Your contract is up, I'm not your boss anymore. But you're going to listen and make a decision. You've always been about your fans, right?
(He didn't answer, but he raised his fist in the air and every member of his tribe in the audience cheered.)
ST: What I have in this envelope is a contract for a match at CSWA17... for Eli Flair. The last match, if you will.
ELI: ... What's the catch?
ST: There's no catch. I think, after a decade of tireless service to this company, the least we can do is give you a proper sendoff. How would you really want the fans to remember you, Eli? Leaving the ring, sweating and bleeding after giving it your all one last time? Or talking on the microphone like you always hated to do?
(Eli nodded... Thomas had a point.)
ELI: Who's the other name on the contract?
ST: Oh, I think we can hold onto that for a little while longer... let the title situation clear a bit before anyone tips their hand. But it's not like you'd have any consequences to deal with the morning after, Eli... whaddaya say?
(He held out his hand, and Eli thought about it for a few moments. Then, without any further discussion, slapped his hand into the commissioner's.)
(Huge pop by the fans)
BB: Well, it's official! We're going to see Eli Flair one last time in a CSWA ring, and it'll take place only at CSWA17! We'll be right back with TROY and ALIAS!
SB: One more... one more... one more...
(CUT TO: The San Diego Arena. The crowd is BUZZING, waiting for the Main Event pitting Alias against Troy Windham.)
BUCKLEY: Well, folks, it's almost time for a match a lot of pundits have been--
(CUE UP: "American Woman" by Lenny Kravitz.)
BUCKLEY: NOW WHAT'S UP?
BENSON: My pants... if this is who I think it is!
(CUT TO: "The American Woman" MZ. Teri Melton. Melton walks down to the ring, the smirk of a girl who has gotten everything in her life on her face. Melton has on an elegant black and white sun dress to her ankles but with no back and 4-inch heels. She paces around the ring and then struts up the steps, mic in hand.)
TERI: Well, if it isn't SAN DIEGO. (The crowd, like Pavolv's rats, POP at the mention of their city.) San Diego -- a SECOND RATE LOS ANGELES! (The crowd starts booing.) What -- be HONEST with yourselves. If ANY of you people could AFFORD to live in Los Angeles, you would! ALL OF YOU PEOPLE wish you could live amongst the starts, in a big mansion, with a nice car. ALL OF YOU PEOPLE WISH YOU COULD LIVE YOUR LIVES LIKE ME! But you can't and instead... you're forced to live here in SAN DIEGO... and do you know why you live in San Diego? Because you're either a Mexican housekeeper, a Mexican landscaper or a piece of uneducated white trash who might as well be a Mexican! (One fat guy at ringside is up, screaming, frothing at the mouth.) Oh, I'm sorry, did that hurt? Did my comments about your abject poverty hurt you? Oh wait, IIIIII know what it was! You're SEXUALLY CONFUSED! Because you were just INSULTED by myself... a woman who you download pictures of and jerk off to before you go to sleep, denying to your fat filthy wife that you're doing so! You've spent your WHOLE WORTHLESS LIFE emasculated by women... and now you just got emasculated again. Well, bucko, here's the money shot for you -- my lawn needs mowing but I don't like my help in tatterred jean shorts. So you're fired! And you lost your dental benefirts, so you're kids will have to have their crooked brown teeth for another school picture day!
(The crowd is booing by now. Teri wows them again!)
TERI: I'm not out here to ridicule you people. You live with enough ridicule. I'm out here to TELL THE WORLD something important. You see, EVERYTHING I've touched in this sport turns to gold. I've managed champions, I've managed legends. I f*cked Hornet and then left his limp d*ck crying in a men's room stall. I'm now a PART OWNER of this league and while each and every one of you people can boo me and rail against me all you want, just know that by attending this evening, you bought me another crystal chandelier and another tudor mansion in another gated community not even listed on a map! And now... now I have my NEXT mission.
(The crowd is now chanting HOOOOO TEEEERS. HOOOOOOO TEEEEERS.)
TERI: Hooters! Hooters! You think THAT still bothers me? You want to see these, huh? (Teri shakes her breasts as the crowd applauds.) WELL THE ANSWER IS NO. All of you people in this rat trap arena could take all of the money in your pockets and combine it... and it STILL wouldn't come close to affording what it takes to see my aereolas. But I... The Alpha Female... The American Woman... I do have my EYES set on someone. I do have my EYES set on someone not only worthy enough to hold my hand and lay with me in bed at night... but someone with the ability to match with my mental acumen and proclaim for himself the CSWA Unified Championship... a belt which I *WILL* carry in my arms... just to make each and every ONE of you mad! Why will you be mad? Because each and every one of you dream at night of being with someone like me... but the only way you're able to is with a tube of lube and a vivid imagination! None of you are worthy for even one second of time with... The American Woman!
(CUE UP: "American Woman" as Teri leaves the ring, smirking. FTB.)
(As SHOWTIME comes back from its break, the announcers launch into the Troy Windham/Alias match, only to run out of TV time partway through. Buckley announces that the match will be shown in full at PRIMETIME in Denver. But as he's frantically trying to wrap up...)
And now for the greatest wonders of the world.
A Windham and an Alias. We're all about being inconspicuous these days, hey?
Wonder where they are?
Oh no, you've got to wait for a main event. Another day.
What an event. Night.