April 17, 2006
CSWA Owner Stephen Thomas sits at the large mahogany desk that has graced the penthouse office of CS Towers since the edifice was built. He scribbles on his ubiquitous yellow legal pad as he stares at two notes laid open in front of him. He taps the gold-plated pen against the dark wood as he leans back in the leather-backed chair. It’s a long way from his childhood, when the best birthday presents he could expect were a roll of toilet paper and an oscillating fan.
Now, the temperature is a perfectly controlled seventy degrees and the bathroom is well-stocked with the softest special-order triple-ply that Cottonelle can make. Eighteen years ago he was in a panic that he might actually have to clean the bathrooms before the CSWA’s inaugural show in the decrepit warehouse that once stood (barely) on this spot. Thankfully that possibly-retarded kid showed up and Steve just happened to have a shiny quarter in his pocket…
The phone rings. The caller id shows Steve’s home number – the whole reason he’s at the office watching the taped edition of PRIMETIME is because he’s avoiding his ‘wife’. It was bad enough on the boat – to be trapped in a cabin with Hortense, to be pawed and groped and… he shudders. The Cruise was supposed to be the CSWA’s revival and cash cow… instead, the cost to the company was enormous. And the personal cost… well, it’s still being counted.
It was enough trying to convince U-62 that the episodes could be edited enough to air – but then to have the start of the new season delayed because the network decided to try to compete with UFC and air its own brand of MMA…it was embarrassing. There were sponsors to be compensated, contracts to be revamped, arena dates to be rescheduled… it’s almost too much.
And then this.
The note on the right is on plain stationary, written in a hand that Stephen has known since childhood. Written by the man who once owned this desk, whose bronze nameplate once sat in the spot now occupied by the oversized pet rock with googly eyes. Written on the day that used to be the annual “close” of the CSWA’s anniversary celebration. A message that short is unusual for him, but it’s all that necessary. Two words that speak volumes.
“Congrats on number 18. Make the last one count.”
The note on the left is a postcard; the front shows the smiling Jamaican faces, the back holds the printed message glued on the back. No handwriting, no clues to the sender. It’s a card Stephen vaguely remembers from weeks past during his time on the ship, before everything went so haywire. The only oddity – despite apparently coming from the cruise ship’s gift shop, it’s dated today, the day that used to be the annual “close” of the CSWA’s anniversary celebration.
In the past it was almost comical, much like the CSWA’s schedule. The lights flickering, the video wall glitching, the messages from the “Hacker”. But now threats has been made real – the livelihood of the CSWA had been threatened. And now two things were apparent…
It wasn’t him. There was always the chance that it was, that the whole rigmarole was just another “ownership plot” between the two of them, part of the rivalry of the past eighteen years. But now, it’s obviously that he isn’t just going to show up and surprise Steve with another game of “Who Wants To Be The Commissioner.” The comedy, the mystery, the suspicion – all of them could have added up to equal Chad Merritt. But not the injury. Not the attempt to pull everything down, to affect the livelihood of men and women he had known his whole adult life. Despite the sudden fits of megalomania, Chad wasn’t a person that would do… this.
The other insight worries him more. As he turns on the television in the office to catch the taped replay of the event he saw live weeks ago, Thomas realizes that if it isn’t Chad, then it’s a dangerous unknown quantity. But more important, it’s someone that knows the company, that knows the ins and outs too well… that knows that April 17 is an important date to a close-knit group of people. It can mean only one thing…
It means… there’s a traitor.
CSWA PRIMETIME in Miami
PRIMETIME POOLJAM Tour
Aired on U-62 April 17, 2006
Stephen Thomas is waiting, and he's mad. Correction: half-mad, half-eagerly awaiting the "all aboard" yell from the dockhand that'll tell him that he broke the deal.
That Steve Radder didn't show up.
That there will be no "Showtime" on this boat, at least none of the Radder variety.
"Any sign of Radder?" He asks the workers through clenched teeth.
None of them respond.
Eventually one of the Assistant Producers comes running up behind him, looking agitated.
"Mr. Thomas! Mr. Thomas!"
"You need to come please, and quick!"
Geez. Another fire to put out. Thomas walks slowly up the ramp onto the cruise liner, turning back at the top with his eyes half-closed.
"You better show, Radder."
(CUTTO: The majestic PARSONS CRUISE LINER II, a cruise ship currently docked in sunny Miami before it launches on its annual voyage. Families line the decks to see their loved ones off, as well as to get a glimpse of all the hoopla as the entire CSWA boards... almost. As the U-62 introduction comes to an end, the camera zooms above the boat, showing the aft deck taken over with a wrestling ring and seating for just over three hundred lucky cruisers. Rhubarb Jones is warming up the crowd from the ring as the setting sun lights up the skyline in pinks and oranges, matching some of the lights flashing over and around the ring. Quarters are tight -- the fans are even closer than normal to the ring and the rampway. Gethard's security team is ready for anything that might come up... hopefully.)
(CUTTO: The commentators' table next to the ring, where we see, as usual, BILL BUCKLEY and SAMMY BENSON.)
BB: HELLOOOOO wrestling fans. Welcome to beautiful Miami, Florida and the PCL II that is ready to launch right after our Main Event, as part of the CSWA's PRIMETIME POOLJAM Tour of the Caribbean! I'm Bill Buckley, this is Sammy Benson, and we're thrilled to kick off another season here on U-62.
SB: And to think, we were on this channel when the only other things they had were dogs running through obstacle courses and Weird Al.
BB: If you saw the premiere of the CSWA's newest show, VERSUS, then you're all caught up and ready to go here tonight! A quick update -- we've had all sorts of folks looking out to see UNIFIED Champion Troy Windham board the boat, and so far, I haven't seen hide nor hair of the Champ!
SB: If he's on this boat, just look for the nearest twelve-year old girl and you'll find him.
BB: We also haven't received word as to whether Troy's brother, and the man who actually has the UNIFIED belt in his possession, Mark Windham, has shown up to board either. And we just heard that Steve Radder may be a no-show.
SB: Maybe they all got the booking in the mail and thought it was a joke. Can you really blame them?
BB: We know that Troy has been less than scarce since his injury...and to be honest, humiliation, at the hands of his brother. We know that Troy checked out of the hospital without doctor's approval, and since then, CSWA officials have been completely silent. The PROTEGE event was cancelled, all his on-sales were changes... Sammy, I think we have to live with the fact that we may not have a UNIFIED World Champion at the moment.
SB: Worse than that...we may not even have the belt. Mark ran off with it, and for all we know, disappeared into some brothel again.
BB: The good news, however, is that the eight men competing in tonight's matches are on-board and ready to go. Steven Shane makes his CSWA debut against long-time foe Cameron Cruise. JA defends the Greensboro Title against CSWA rookie Christian Montiero. Mike Randalls and Timmy Windham face off in a rematch for the ages. And in the MAIN EVENT, Hornet puts the United States Title on the line against Kin Hiroshi.
SB: Bugbrain vs. Muffin Man. Yikes.
BB: And we're told that to kick things off tonight, Mike Randalls has decided to grace us with his presence from the back.
(FADEIN: ‘The Wolf’ MIKE RANDALLS in his locker room, sitting in a Lotus-Position and meditating.)
RANDALLS: “Fish Funk...that time of the decade, where we, the CSWA get together as a family and watch As The Windham Turns. A carnival atmosphere inside the heart of Texas, where the smoke of barbeque ribs and heartfelt white-trash family drama of the Windham family just never, ever seems to end. Its been rigged to include title belts, and while some wrestling purists may question the so-called validity of such an act, its pretty much what I've come to expect looking at the business intelligence of any man in charge of this company."
“They wax on endlessly, poetically trying to find a romance about pot-bellied men with stained wifebeaters, holding a Budweiser and the jock of their boxer briefs. Windhams? White-Trash Family History? Supposedly its the bait of a red state, making them live out the words they couldn’t say to their own in-bred squabbling cousins.”
“Maybe Merritt saw his father in Mark, maybe Thomas sees himself in Troy when he’s straddled over a hooker’s chest...”
“...maybe Paul’s the brother they never had.”
"So, they feverishly scramble to sell out the gates.... 80,000 hicks, drunks, louts, ex-chain gang axe pickers, current motorcycle gang rapists, try and fill the rest out with wrestling fan hard-ons just as drunk and wanting to see blood..."
"Now, I know where I stand amongst the vile, deceitful and violent....”
“...but when I chose to change my ways, when I chose to stand up for something needed inside the squared circle of the CSWA...I got booed.”
“Not by one CSWA fan. Not by two. By every fan in attendance...”
“...Mark and Troy are headed towards sibling sodomy, while I'm out here busting my ass getting booed because I chose to oppose it."
“Now, there’s a man claiming to be Timmy Windham...and I want you to know something, Kid...”
(RANDALLS opens his eyes finally, staring intently into the camera as incense smoke enters the camera.)
“You are only the beginning. I’ve been told by Stephen Thomas, I’m not relevant to the best interests of his business. I’ve been told by the CSWA fans that it does not matter what I think is right...and I will accept that. Tonight, I will give the fans all that they wish for.”
“Kid, you’ve tried to pass yourself off as insane...the slimy underbelly of those with no morals, or regard for themselves. ...a perpetual bottom of society, at the bottom of the Windham Totem Pole, festering at the bottom of the CSWA.”
“Tonight, we will sink lower...together...taking you to the depths of your own soul and after that, I shall fall further. Leaving you alone to scream inside...unable to breathe... to talk...and forced to watch your torn heart drain its blood on the killing floor.”
“For the fans, kid...for the CSWA...”
“Let us hit rock-bottom together.”
Cameron Cruise vs. Steven Shane
BB: Well everyone, what we have coming up next is sure to be a treat for those of you who like good old fashioned technical wrestling. A CSWA mainstay, Cameron Cruise is getting set to take on the debuting “Sensational” Steven Shane here on PRIMETIME. This is sure to be one heck of a technical matchup.
SB: Call it what you want, Buckley, but if you ask me, this match seems like quite the bore. If Cameron Cruise’s in-ring performance this week rivals his backstage work, you’ll be tapping my shoulder by the time Kin Hiroshi gets out here.
BB: I doubt that this match lulls you to sleep; I’ve heard nothing but good things about Mr. Shane.
SB: So you’re saying I should set an alarm rather than believe your going to tap me on the shoulder when this is over.
RJ: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is set for one fall.
(CUE UP: “Headstrong” by Trapt.)
RJ: Introducing first, from Jacksonville, North Carolina…weighing in at two hundred and fifty-three pounds…The Crippler…CAAAAMMMERRRRRONNN CRUUUUUUIIISSSSEE!
(Cruise makes his way out from behind the curtain to a rather mixed reaction. He makes his way down the ramp with a smile across his face.)
BB: Well Sammy, here’s the man you’ve been waiting for. This is certainly…Sammy!
SB: What? What? Did I miss something? Is he done?
BB: Come on! Pay attention to the match here!
(CUE UP: “Damn” by Fabolous.)
RJ: And his opponent…from Hollywood, California…weighing at two hundred and fifty-three pounds…SENSATIONAL…STEEEEEVVVEENNNN SHHHHAAAAANNE!
(Shane makes his way from behind the curtain to a very nice intro pop. Shane proceeds down the ramp, never taking his eyes off Cruise. He makes his way to the bottom of the ramp, where he slowly and provocatively removes his red, sequined robe to major adoration for all the young ladies. He then climbs into the ring as the ref calls for the bell.)
BB: Here we go, technical wrestling at its finest right here. Shane and Cruise step to the center of the ring and now lock up in a collar and elbow tie-up. Shane manages to get a step on Cruise and now locks him in a side headlock. Cruise quickly pushes Shane off and to the ropes, but there’s a nice shoulder block by Shane!
SB: Great move! I can already tell that this Steven Shane is a ring general by the way he’s abusing his power over the boring Cameron Cruise right here.
BB: Shane bounces off the ropes as Cruise gets back up. Cruise quickly hits the deck and Shane steps over him before hitting the opposite ropes. Shane rebounds, but Cruise leap frogs him. Shane hits the ropes one more time and there’s an arm drag by Cruise!
SB: A bit of offense from Cameron Cruise? Color me shocked!
BB: Cruise holds Shane in an arm bar here as Shane tries to make his way back up to his feet. Shane is up, and now reverses the arm bar into a standing wristlock. He wrenches on that arm and now pulls Cruise into a hammerlock!
SB: But Cruise is reversing it into a hammerlock of his own? Where is all of this coming from exactly?
BB: Well Cruise is really no slouch in the ring, Sammy. Here we see him pressing Shane off that hammerlock now and into the ropes. Shane rebounds and Cruise catches him with a nice dropkick. Cruise quickly stays on the advantage as he locks Shane in a reverse chin lock.
SB: Nice move there as it is very evident that Cruise at least understands he needs to soften up that neck if he’s going to put Shane away with that Reality Check at any point in time during this match.
BB: Well, Shane is rolling out of the move here. Cruise has shifted to a side headlock as Shane has made his way back up here. Shane presses Cruise off and into the ropes. Cruise rebounds, and hits Shane with a shoulder block, but The Sensational One doesn’t go down! Cruise bounces off the adjacent ropes…
SB: Beautiful powerslam by Shane! He’s holding for the cover!
BB: ONE! TWO! Kickout by Cruise!
SB: Cruise is going to be slowed by that powerslam. There aren’t too many two and a half pound guys that pack the kind of punch that Shane does in his power moves.
BB: Kind of a Rick Rude, if you will. Shane is also smart like Rude as he stays on the attack here. He pulls Cruise up and gives him a hard knife edge chop as he backs him into the ropes. And there’s another! Shane whips Cruise across the ring.
SB: Wow! Big spinebuster there! Shane’s going to go for another cover!
BB: ONE! TWO! NO! Kickout by Cruise again!
SB: I am quite impressed with this Steven Shane already! He’s just like I said, a ring general.
BB: He’s proving that by pulling up Cruise here again. He draws back. Right hand. NO! Cruise blocked it! Right hand by Cruise! Shane swings! Cruise swings back! Shane swings! Cruise takes him down with a clothesline! Shane tries to make his way back up, but Cruise catches him in a waist lock.
SB: A German suplex by Cruise! I told you this guy was electric!
BB: Shane rolling back up here. But he walks right into a belly-to-belly by Cruise! Shane is slow to his feet now as Cruise sits back and watches. Shane uses the ropes to pull himself up here. Cruise now takes off to the adjacent ropes. Springboard crossbody block!
SB: He’s holding for the cover! ONE! TWO! Kickout by Shane!
BB: Cruise pulls himself up and now reaches down to do the same to Shane.
SB: Right hand to the midsection by Shane!
BB: And now another! Cruise is doubled over here! Shane quickly locks him in a front facelock. DDT! Both men are down!
SB: And just like that, Cameron Cruise goes through his own Reality Check. I told you Steven Shane was going to wipe the mat with him.
BB: We’re now looking at a foot race to see who can get up first. Shane would have the advantage here, you’d think because Cruise just had his head rammed into the canvas, but Shane took quite the beating prior to that DDT.
SB: Shane is going to win this though. I’m giving him my pick to win this match.
BB: You know, most of the time, picks are made prior to the match starting.
SB: Well, everything up to this point was like pre-match, so I’m making my pick now.
BB: Okay then. Shane is up and he’s pulling Cruise the rest of the way to his feet. Shane gives another hard knife-edge chop as the crowd “whoos” along. Shane gives Cruise a little shove into the corner as he now whips him across the ring into the other turnbuckle.
SB: And look at Cruise’s knees buckle as he hits that corner! This is power like no other man of his size from Shane!
BB: Well, they don’t call him The Sensational One for nothing. He follows Cruise in here and now picks him up to the top turnbuckle. Shane reaches up and gives Cruise a stiff right hand before now following him up the ropes.
SB: Say goodnight Mr. Cruise! Shane grabs Cruise in that front face lock and throws his arm over his head.
BB: Superplex! No! Cruise held onto that top rope! Cruise nails Shane with a right hand! And there’s another! Shane’s losing his balance!
SB: Closed fists ref! Down goes Shane! Down goes Shane!
BB: Cruise stands up on that top rope! Shane stands back up. Missile dropkick by Cruise! Shane just stiffened up like a board!
SB: But Cruise took something out of himself too! He’s slowly trying to pull his way to Shane to make that cover.
BB: There’s the right arm! The ref flies into position. ONE! TWO! THREE! NO! Shane just managed to get the shoulder up there!
SB: This damn Cruise is trying to foil my plans here!
BB: Well, both men are slow to their feet again. Cruise is the first up, but Shane is right there with him. Cruise grabs Shane in a front face lock here, but he’s now rolling it over, looking for a neckbreaker.
SB: But Shane is elbowing his way out! Cruise tries to swing at him, but Shane ducks the blow!
BB: Inverted atomic drop by Shane! He whips Cruise off the ropes. Tilt-O-Whirl backbreaker by Shane!
SB: Here’s the cover! This one’s over! ONE! TWO! THREE! WHAT? I cannot believe Cruise just kicked out of that!
BB: Shane is just as surprised as you here, Sammy. He’s making his way back up to his feet now. And he’s just waiting on Cruise to get up?
SB: I don’t like this! Just go after him and finish this Shane! Don’t let Cameron Cruise back into this because he’s conniving like that!
BB: Shane has himself perched behind Cruise here. Cruise stumbles to his feet. California Dream! Shane just grabbed Cruise in that Million Dollar Dream before driving the back of Cruise’s head right into the canvas!
SB: Pin him Shane!
BB: He’s doing just that!
THREE! (Bell rings)
RJ: Ladies and gentleman, here is your winner…SENSATIONAL STEVEN SHAAAAANNNE!
SB: What a debut! I think I’m going to grow to like this guy!
BB: You don’t pull out a win over Cameron Cruise unless you’ve really got something, and I can’t wait to see what Steven Shane has in store for us later here in the CSWA!
GREENSBORO: JA vs. Montiero
(CUTTO: The ring, challenger Christian Montiero's already in the ring, after being announced by Rhubarb.)
BB: Alright, back from break and we're ready for a Greensboro Championship match. Christian Montiero vs. JA, a long-awaited first title defense from the Anglo Luchador.
SB: It's about friggin' time. All I had to hear about was how JA was going to defend this title all the time.
BB: Well Sammy, in all fairness, we haven't had a card since ANNIVERSARY. He's had no chances to defend.
SB: There are indie shows. Memorials. Hell, I'm sure someone would have taken him on.
BB: Yeah, because Thomas really wants the chance of some nutbag from another promotion running off with our gold.
SB: Regardless, he's taking his sweet time getting out here.
BB: Well, Montiero's just gotten into the ring, what do you want, JA to just appear out of nowhere and magically be ready as soon as he appears?
SB: Yes. And while I'm at it, I also want you to be replaced by Paris Hilton, only with a brain transplant from someone with more than three cells of gray matter.
BB: You are a sad old man, Sammy. But I forgive you.
(CUEUP: "Eat the Rich," and enter the Greensboro Champion accompanied by Lollipop.)
RJ: And his opponent, weighing in at 215 and three-eighths pounds, from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania... he's your Greensboro Champion... JAY... AYYYYYYEEE!
SB: See, look at him. He beats a boring Canadian for that strap and he thinks he's the king of the world.
BB: Hey, the fans love him. Let him have a moment before he defends his title for the first time, alright?
(JA enters the ring and hands his title to the ref and he calls for the bell.)
BB: Alright, we're ready for action here, and right in as we get a quick collar and elbow tie up which Montiero turns into a hammerlock on the Champ. Clubbing elbows to the back of JA's head now, the hammerlock is broken and now JA's stumbling forward... bulldog from the challenger!
SB: He's overconfident. Just another kid whose ego got inflated after winning low-tier gold here.
BB: Sammy, you should know as well as anyone that there's no such thing as low-tier gold here. Every title is prestigious.
SB: Thank you Steve Thomas.
BB: *groans* Anyway, Montiero grabs JA to his feet, back supl... no! JA more slippery than an eel, getting behind him! Big roundhouse kick to the back of Montiero's head!
SB: I even felt that.
BB: Montiero stumbling forward, JA just laying in wait for him to turn around. Montiero does and... TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER! Spiking Christian's head to the mat with authority! Here's the cover...
...th... no! Kickout! JA signaling to the crowd now.
SB: Too soon, too soon...
BB: JA grabs Montiero by the waist and deadlifts him...
BB: KARELIN DRIVER! KARELIN DRIVER! This one's academic now...
[DING DING DING!]
RJ: Here is your winner... and STILL Greensboro Champion... JAY.... AAAAYYYYYYYYEEE!!
What actually happens when telecasts go to commercial?
The show had go on, so far, as planned without a major glitch. The crowd seemed into it, really into it, and the majority of the head honchos patted themselves on the back for doing the seemingly impossible. The show went to commercial, as most of the audience rushed to the concessions to fulfill a craving... the others simply entertained themselves with chants, waves, and a beach ball that was being passed around the arena. Nothing more than good old fashioned fun.
Technicians were in the ring testing the microphones, ring, ropes, and pyro for the next leg of the show, as the audience awaited the countdown to signal that the CSWA would be going back on air.
That's when it happened.
A man, well not just any man, because average men don't just jump guardrails from their front row seat. It was hard to get a clean look at his face because his "Orlando Magic" baseball cap was pulled pretty low, with the brim covering his eyes and most of his nose. The few members of the audience that were paying attention began to rumble, causing the others to take notice. As the individual removed his hat, the rumble became a roar... a roar so loud that even the fans at the concession had to see what the commotion was about... and, they weren't disappointed.
"Triple X" Sean Stevens walked up the stairs, entered the ring, and signalled for a working microphone. At first, the technician hesitated, but this was Miami, Florida... Sean's home away from home... and, the reaction given to him by the audience told him that this was something that had to happen.
Sean raised the mic, "Don't worry, kid. I'm not out here to ruin your show, I'll only be a second," Sean began, noticing the technicians nervous movements.
The crowd roared.
"Straight to the point. The CSWA is by far the most important wrestling promotion in the world, and the fact that they're getting there legs under is reason enough for me to sit back, relax, and enjoy the show like the rest of you. I could have done something stupid... I could've jumped the guardrail and stole some television time, but I have too much respect for this company to interfere with their big night."
"I couldn't sit there any longer, in my home away from home," cheap pop, "without letting each and every one of you know that I've spoken with management, signed the appropriate documents, and it's official, 'Triple X' Sean Stevens is once again a member of the CSWA!"
He turned his attention to the entrance ramp, more personally... the curtain. "And, to all the boys... I just want to make it perfectly clear that when that time draws near, when my name is on the bill to wrestle... it's on."
"Over the past couple of years, I've sat back and watched people that I clicked with... people that broke down CSWA barriers with me evolve into mainstays here. Dan Ryan, he's a former CSWA World Heavyweight Champion, and is seen as a top tier performer here. However, Dan and I used to kick it backstage, on the regular, and actually became pretty good friends. ...and, when we weren't friends, I beat him."
"Shane Southern was another guy that ran alongside me, only to emerge as a superstar when I left. Now, I'm not sure if he's still wrestling or not, and, honestly... I could care less, but I think it's worth mentioning that he was not on my level. And, despite how that may sound, that's not a knock on Shane, it's more of a testament to how close I was to fulfilling my dream. I always said I wouldn't leave this business until I did the one thing I wanted to do, and that's become the CSWA champ."
One of the technicians began signalling that the show was about to come back on air. Noticing this, Trip wrapped it up, "So without going too far into details about what I want to do when I get back, just know that this time it's not about the money... of the fame... or to be able to say I survived here. This time, it's because I belong. Thank you and enjoy the rest of the broadcast."
Stevens tossed the tech his mic, and slid out of the ring, lifting his arms to cheers as he returned to his seat.
The show continued five seconds later.
'The Muppet Kid' Timmy Windham vs. 'The Wolf' Mike Randalls
Welcome to Miami.
”Bienvenidos a Miami.”
Will Smith thumped on the speakers, while Stephen Thomas grooved along to one of his favorite songs in the last ten years. Strangely, the same effect it had on Stephen sexually with his vile wife also brought our current colleague Sammy Benson that much closer to a nervous breakdown.
Benson: Worst. Song. Ever.
Buckley: Welcome back to PRIMETIME in MIAMI, we’re back... onboard the Parsons Cruise Liner for a series of wrestling shows that are certain legends in the making.
Benson: Yes, yes Buckley – its high time we’ve reversed course and set the sails up once more on this blessed vessel, celebrating it with a month-long bender that’ll be sure to include a medical disclaimer for anyone brave enough to step in the ring with the likes of Troy Windham. Hepatitis hasn’t had such a buzz on the internet since Pamela Anderson looked it up on Wikipedia and first wondered if that nice Jewish boy from her hometown was right when he said she’d regret not marrying for security and sucking off the bad boys and heroes of mulleted men nationwide.
Buckley: I’m sensing a little bitterness over boarding the famed ship, Sammy.
Benson: Oh don’t mind me, Buckley. I’ll be sitting here long after your son takes over.
(CUEUP: Theme from "The Muppet Show")
Buckley: Let’s head down to Rhubarb for introductions to this special challenge rematch that could only happen in ten years time here in the CSWA...
(CUTTO: RHUBARB JONES standing in the center of the ring, adjusting his bowtie before reading from his index card.)
Jones: This next match is scheduled for one fall with a thirty minute time limit and is a special challenge match! Introducing first, managed and trained by “The Living Legend” Mickey Benedict! (Buckley: Oh lord, he’s calling himself that again?) He hails from Sweeeeeeeetwater, Texas – he stands 5’10 inches, weighs 170 pounds and is a former EN World Heavyweight and CSWA World Tag Team Champion! The man who will The Last Windham Standing, THE MUUUUUUUUPPET KIIIIIIIIID! TIMMMMMMMY WINDHAMMMMMMMMMM!
(CUTTO: WINDHAM holding the legendary Fozzy Bear doll blows through the curtain first as an evil grinning MICKEY BENEDICT follows, which causes the crowd to stand up and boo loudly. Timmy shelters away, petting his Fozzy as trash flies at the duo, Mickey relishing the moment.)
Buckley: I can only say right now that as much as things change, the more they stay the same.
Benson: Speaking of which, someone go get me a Waborita.
MUSICUP: “In My Time of Dying” – Jimmy Page & The Black Crowes
Jones: And now introducing his opponent from the city of Raleigh, North Carolina! A former EN World Champion, recognized by the CSWA twice as being the Unified Champion in the World...standing 6’4, weighing 243 pounds...Wrestling’s Evolution, ‘THE WOLLLLLLLLLLLLF’! MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE RANDALLSSSSSSSSSS!
(CUTTO: RANDALLS stalking through the curtains, emerald eyes glowering towards the ring as some hardcores in the audience are cheering, while most CSWA fans are booing. ‘The Wolf’ doesn’t pay any of the crowd attention, instead slitting his thumb across his neck before pointing at the ring...)
Buckley: Where could we even begin on the history leading into this match? Its been almost ten years ago since a certain chain events brought a new style of wrestling to the CSWA. Randalls...unknown at the time, a demented daredevil that also happened to have the best Japanese pure wrestling background out of any competitor from the United States. He defeated Flic Rair to win the EN World Title in a sixteen man tournament, as a terrible seed if I remember. Not two or three shows later, Timmy Windham uses a BUNGEE CORD to not only pin Randalls and claim the title, but that has to rank on some people’s top 5 CSWA finishes list. There was never a rematch, fast-forward ten years and here we are...
Benson: And looking at Randalls’ genealogy, that means he’s wanted revenge for 70 years. Talk about a dog wanting a bone...this could be more desperate than the time you grovelled to Teri Melton for a pity screw at the ’97 Christmas party after your divorce.
Buckley: Please don’t spread lies on the air like that...I don’t need the emails. The truth is that this match was requested by Mike Randalls as part of a CSWA promotion for special challenges. After Randalls’ ANNIVERSARY outburst at the fans and Stephen Thomas, it might be the only way for him to get put on the air.
Benson: Because we really haven’t had any issues with him before, right? Oh, its ok – he’s not staking people. Has anyone freaking seen Tsunami since Randalls kamikazed him?
(The bell rings!)
Buckley: Well, I’m sure the only motive tonight is to set the record straight against a man he’s never been able to beat.
Benson: That’s not like Randalls, Buckley. He may be twisted, but he’s more calculated than Texas Instruments. I’m smelling the proverbial gunpowder.
Buckley: Randalls and Timmy jawjacking a little in the ring right now...and we’ve got a lockup...ooh! Quick armdrag takedown by Timmy! Randalls scrambles up and Timmy catches him with a hiptoss takedown! Windham gives up alot of weight in this match, but he is one of the few wrestlers with quicker ring agility then Randalls because of his small frame.
Benson: I’m wondering how smart it is for Benedict to show up in public...and now he’s at ringside for these two? Mark might have to show up just to save his piece of the pie.
Buckley: Timmy working an armbar on Randalls, cackling at the Wolf who’s probably gritting more in anger than pain...look out! Randalls cracks Timmy in the head with a forearm, but Timmy flicks Randalls in the eye! Windham with another armdrag! Randalls up and charging, Windham catches him with a hipt—NO! (crowd pop!) The Wolf lands on his feet, Timmy fires a right – NO! Randalls counters with a drop toe hold and spins over Timmy’s torso into a side headlock.
Benson: If Timmy Windham thinks for one moment that his body can match up with Randalls’ body in a 30 minute wrestling match, he might as well go home now. This kid had the right idea with the eye poke, you need to slow Randalls down.
Buckley: Timmy fighting up to his feet, grabs Randalls around the waist...Back Suplex! (crowd cheers!) Randalls keeps the headlock in place and immediately rolls Timmy back onto his stomach – what concentration by Randalls!
Benson: Timmy’s a small dude...he needs to drop Randalls more on his head than that.
Buckley: Randalls grinding away on that headlock and now imitating Timmy’s irritating laugh. That gets ‘The Muppet Kid’ up on the rise...Benedict screaming some low-down dirty shames to him...Windham on his feet, walking Randalls around the ring...he’s got him up again! Back Suplex! (crowd cheers!) Timmy keeps it bridged! ONE! TWO! THRNO! Randalls with a powerful kickout (crowd boos!) and right BACK into the headlock! These crowds tiring of Randalls’ games in the ring, so is Timmy...
Benson: Yeah, this is a little weird. Special Challenge matches from Randalls don’t usually incorporate the headlocks as much as skin-piercing weaponry.
Buckley: Timmy fighting to his feet quickly and bounces off the ropes, throwing Randalls off – ooh! Randalls nails Timmy with a shoulderblock, knocking him to the mat! Randalls runs off the ropes at a 90 degree angle, Timmy up...NO! Timmy drops down, Randalls skips over and hits the ropes again...(loud cheers!) Timmy catches him in a FRANK-N-PARSONS and hooks Randalls’ leg! ONE! TWO! WAIT! RANDALLS TURNS IT INTO A SUNSET FLIP! ONE! TWO! THRNO! Timmy shoots out and he’s got Randalls by the leg! Spins him around and launches into a Jacknife! ONE! TWO! THRNO! Randalls kicks out!
Benson: Well, this is just turning into some freaking lucha libre episode...I was expecting more...I don’t know...attempted murders?
Buckley: Both men getting up to their feet (WHAP!) OH GOOD LORD! RANDALLS JUST SPUN WINDHAM OUT WITH A CHOP!
Benson: Those leave worse marks than Shaquille O’Neal on his wedding night.
Buckley: Timmy screaming in the ring, Randalls grabs him by the hair and turns him around...(WHAP!) Those chops sounds like Timmy’s getting cracked with a Singapore Cane! Windham staggers into the corner and Randalls charges in with a front kick to the gut! (“OHHHHH!”) Man alive, Randalls with a spin kick in the corner!
Benson: That kid’s head just whiplashed so hard, I thought he was gonna go Linda Blair on us!
Buckley: Timmy Windham is in a world of trouble right now! Randalls punishing him with some shoulderblocks in the corner! That ref trying to barge his way in there, but Randalls isn’t budging...Oh boy...he’s hooking Timmy’s arms around the ropes...
Benson: READY! AIM!
(WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! The crowd starts howling along with Timmy Windham...y’know...’The Wolf’ thing they do....)
Buckley: Mike Randalls just plastered Windham with a series of chops that have turned his chest BEET RED! Randalls turning away...
(CUTTO: RANDALLS back turned towards Timmy, gives the cutthroat motion before shooting into a High-Angle Double Mule Kick; the crowd leaping out of their seats in reaction to a spray of blood ejecting from Timmy’s face! His nose now bleeding!)
Benson: Ok...now we’re seeing something more along the lines of what I figured Randalls would come out like. I guess you can’t fault a guy for wanting to pace out what could be thirty minutes of hell.
Buckley: Mickey Benedict is frothing right now trying to get the referee to take control of this match, Randalls grabbing Timmy and sending him into the turnbuckles! Timmy crashes in, Randalls starts running! Back Handspring Hornet SpllllllNOOOOOOO! (CROWD BOOS!) BENEDICT PUSHED WINDHAM AWAY! RANDALLS JUST SMACKED HIS HEAD ON THE RINGPOST!
Benson: He’s also busted open, Buckley...and when Mike Randalls starts bleeding, good times are had by all! Someone get me a drink, pronto!
Buckley: Windham grabbing Randalls by the hair and look out! (loud crash!) Randalls ejected from the ring and into the ring barricade! The referee has lost all control of this match and the Muppet Kid may be ready to FLYYYYYYYYYY!
(LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!)
Buckley: TIMMY WITH A TOPE! OH MIO DIOS! RANDALLS AND WINDHAM TOPPLE OVER THE BARRICADE INTO THE CROWD!
Benson: Did you just yell something in a foreign language?
Buckley: Both men are down and out, that ref’s counting!
Benson: By all rights, these two should be locked up, America. But in the CSWA, we break ‘em out of Greenvalley just as much as we put ‘em in.
Buckley: Windham is up first, being helped by his manager Mickey Benedict...and now, Benedict grabbing Randalls by the hair...OH! Rams his head into the barricade! Again! He’s draping him over the barricade...and what the hell is Timmy gonna do off the apron!?!
Benson: HOLY (BLEEP!)
(LOUD CRASH! The crowd leaps into freaking RIOT mode.)
Buckley: SPRINGBOARD CORKSCREW GUILLOTINE LEGDROP! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!?!
Buckley: By all rights, Mike Randalls should be decapitated!
Benson: Well, I think we need to wait on the camera angle...just to be certain that you’re right.
Buckley: Benedict rolling Randalls into the ring, Windham is nearly killing himself just as much as Randalls, he’s still not up!
Benson: He can throw that buck-seventy around, but there’s not alot of meat on his bones for crazy stunts like that.
Buckley: Benedict screaming at Windham to get in there and finish Randalls...oh and lookit this display, he’s grabbing him by the hair and throwing him in himself!
Benson: Equal Opportunity Employer – Mickey Benedict, gotta love it.
Buckley: Timmy collapses on Randalls for the pin! ONE! TWO! THRRRNOOOOOOO! Randalls gets his foot on the rope! Mickey knocks it off! ONE! TWOOOOOO! THRRRRREEEEEENOO! NO! RANDALLS GETS A SHOULDER UP! BENEDICT JUST KICKED A BEACH BALL IN ANGER AND FELL! HAHAHA!
Benson: That’s a senior citizen you’re laughing at!
Buckley: ...I don’t care! I can’t believe Randalls kicked out, Windham’s screaming at the referee in frustration from the mat...but no doubt about it, Randalls kept this match alive!
Benson: Lord only knows why, he’s bleeding more than a pig in a slaughterhouse...
Buckley: He’s here to prove a point that he’s willing to sink to some level...Windham just looks completely flustered and drags Randalls up to his feet, hooks in a chancery...(crash! crowd screams!) GOODNIGHT! BRAINBUSTER BY WINDHAM! HE COVERS! ONNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THRNO! (CROWD EXPLODES!) NOOOOO! RANDALLS KICKED OUT!
Benson: Timmy’s more bugeyed than the time I had to explain to your son why you wore lingerie to sleep.
Buckley: These fans are on their feet, Timmy Windham just made a cutthroat motion before body slamming Randalls to the center of the ring...and he’s going out onto the ring apron and up to the top rope! Windham perched like he’s on a lily pad! HERE HE GOES! WINDHAM IN THE AIIIIIIIIIR!
Benson: I think I’m gonna be sick.
Buckley: OH MY GOD! RANDALLS PUT UP HIS KNEES! Windham just busted his ribs going for the KERMIT (Frog) SPLASH! Timmy’s rolling around in agony and Randalls is slowling picking himself off the mat, leaving a stain of sweat and blood behind...
Benson: Honestly, there’s no way you can tell me that Timmy Windham didn’t just break his ribs...he had to have been ten feet higher than the turnbuckles!
Buckley: Hopefully that’s not the case Sammy...cause if Randalls recovers, you know that’s the first thing he’ll attack! Both men on all fours, the referee counting them out...Timmy Windham is struggling to breathe, and he might look the better of the two.
Benson: From what Melton tells me, Randalls gets a ton of ass on the road...
Buckley: ...the mere fact you listen to Joey...nevermind. Oh no...is Mickey Benedict serious?
(CUTTO: BENEDICT taking off his belt and threatening to hit WINDHAM with it if he doesn’t get up!)
Benson: Mickey’s from a different era, Bill. Then again, we’ve seen how his son Zoltan turned out...
Buckley: Timmy Windham just shot up to his feet! Benedict just whipped him on the ass with his belt!
Benson: It stopped the count and the Groucho Marx-esque reaction is kinda funny.
Buckley: In the midst of all this, Randalls is getting up...and he’s had a minute to figure out where his head’s at...Windham coming over and fires a right hand! OH! Randalls returns the favor with a desperate headbutt! That just left a blood print on Timmy’s face!
Benson: That’s now banned in Frankie Fargo matches.
Buckley: Windham staggering...and it looks like Randalls might have him in his sights!
Buckley: Randalls with a couple of chops, Timmy screaming and falling into the turnbuckles! (crowd groans!) Randalls just charged in with running knee to his face! That just projectiled a gob of blood out of his already busted nose...that’s disgusting! Randalls raising Windham up by the hair!
Benson: The look in his eye says it all, Buckley! Mike Randalls is in Funkytown!
Buckley: Those chops are ripping Windham’s skin apart! (WHAP!) Good lord, another one! Randalls with a Thai-Knee to Windham’s gut! Front kick! Front kick! Front Kick! DEAR GOD! HE’S IN MACHINE GUN MODE! (crowd starts marking out, he’s still going!) That’s like thirty kicks! And Randalls stops, falling against the ropes!
Benson: Ten years, Buckley....a freaking bungee cord....that’s alot of baggage!
Buckley: Randalls picking up Windham...oh boy, he’s stepping up to the middle rope and leaping off! (LOUD GROANS!) MIDDLE ROPE STOMACHBREAKER! Randalls hasn’t forgotten the Kermit Splash mishap in the least! Timmy rolling around the mat in agony, a crimson masked Randalls stalking him from behind...’The Wolf’ grabs Windham from behind...
Benson: And this is exactly the point where you just start holding you breath, Randalls’ Funkytown isn’t really all that fun as I’ve seen it...
Buckley: He’s hooking him in an Abdominal Str—oh, wow – I think Randalls might tear this kid apart LITERALLY! (crowd applauds!) ROYAL OCTOPUS HOLD! RANDALLS HAS IT LOCKED IN THE CENTER OF THE RING!
(“TAP HIM OUT! TAP HIM OUT! TAP HIM OUT!”)
Buckley: Listen to this crowd, Sammy – we’re the Coloseium on water!
Benson: That’s so frighteningly true...
(CUTTO: RANDALLS raising his free arm in the air as the crowd explodes recognizing ‘the claw,’ ‘The Wolf’ streaks his fingers with the blood on his face than adds it into the submission!)
Buckley: I don’t believe this Sammy! Randalls added in a claw! A move well-known within the Windham family for sure!
Benson: Judging by Timmy’s inspiration Luke-In-The Emperor’s Lightning screams, he’s not thrilled with Randalls’ rendition.
(“TAP HIM OUT! TAP HIM OUT!” LOUD SCREAMS! BENEDICT CHARGES IN!)
Buckley: Benedict’s lost all common sense and patience! He’s charging Randalls, wait! Randalls pushed Timmy to the mat! Randalls ducks the the clothesline! (WHAP! CROWD EXPLOSION!) MICKEY’S HEMORRAGHING IN THE RING!
Benson: Randalls chopped him, only in America!
(CUTTO: TERI MELTON running down the ramp to a shocked crowd! She’s holding...)
Buckley: Oh my god, Sammy...it's Teri Melton with...
Benson: The Bungee Cord!
Buckley: Randalls doesn’t see her and SHE JUST CLOCKED HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD! (CROWD ROARS!) RANDALLS HOLDING HIS HEAD LIKE A FLY SWATTED IT! He turns around and Teri is bug-eyed! Why is she out here Sammy!?!?
Benson: ...apparently, this Muppet Kid must really do something special in the sack.
Buckley: Randalls staring down Teri, WAIT! (CROWD SCREAMS!) TIMMY WITH A ROLL-UP! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (CROWD SCREAMS!) RANDALLS DIDN’T TRY TO KICK OUT! WHY!?!?!”
Benson: Her eyes are like Medusa’s, he turned to stone!
Buckley: Oh shutup! (bell ringing! the crowd boos!) Timmy Windham has STOLEN his rematch with the same weapon ten years later with the help of his EX-LOVER, Teri Melton! Teri’s now helping Timmy up, who can barelly move cause of the damage to his ribs! Randalls ...he’s leaving to the ramp....what is going on? After all that, he’s just LEAVING?
Benson: He’s a gracious loser, Buckley...
(CUTTO: RANDALLS backtracking towards the locker room, the crowd throwing trash at him and telling him to go back! CUTTO: TERI MELTON helping up TIMMY WINDHAM...their eyes meet and Timmy smiles, leaning in for a kiss...the crowd EXPLODING!)
Buckley: I...I...don’t believe this....
(CUTTO: TIMMY’s brow furrowing, his eyes slitting in confusion, or something bad tasting. He pulls his mouth away...and you can see that its GREEN.)
Benson: What the deuce?
(LOUD SCREAMS! CROWD IN PANIC MODE!)
Buckley: TERI JUST GREEN MISTED TIMMY! HE’S BLINDED! OH GOD! SHE JUST KICKED HIM IN THE NUTS! SAMMY! RANDALLS IS COMING BACK! HE’S SMILING! ITS A SETUP!
Benson: Get on your knees and pray Buckley...if they have child, this world is over.
Buckley: Randalls in the ring...Timmy’s blind...he’s screaming in alot of pain! Randalls behind him....He’s got him up...NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOO!
Buckley: BACKDROP DRIVER! HE MIGHT’VE BROKEN TIMMY’S NECK! HE’S NOT MOVING!
(CUTTO: The crowd in SHOCK! BENEDICT crawling out of the ring and running away in complete shock! RANDALLS steps up to his feet and makes a single nod to TERI, she quickly gets out of the ring....and starts looking under it, dragging out a table!)
Buckley: Randalls is asking for a house microphone...if Thomas doesn’t get someone in there to save Timmy, I can’t imagine what this is about!
(CUTTO: RANDALLS getting the mic and looking out to the shocked, mostly booing crowd...he looks as if he’s going to speak to them, but instead turns to TIMMY.)
Randalls: Everyone has a purpose, Timmy. I told you I’d fall further, but I told you that I can only take you so far. If you ever want to blame anyone for our fate together, look to the CSWA fans. (LOUD BOOS! ‘The Wolf’ ignores them) If you ever want to question why you were first, don’t be a fool to believe it was for what happened ten years ago. Understand that’s its because you were the bottom of this company, and the bottom of the Windhams.
Buckley: (v/o) ...now I’m totally lost!
Benson: (v/o) Be Like Mike, I can dig it.
Randalls: Stephen Thomas wanted me to sink down the drain of this company, never to be seen again or dealt with. In summation (RANDALLS looks to the crowd briefly) I was nothing more than a piece of (BLEEP!) to him. Much like the fans, Stephen Thomas didn’t care nor recognize my efforts to fight with honor FOR the honor of this company, or the Unified Title that a scumbag like Troy Windham wears. (RANDALLS kneels down towards Timmy, grabbing his hair violently) But don’t think I didn’t watch....when you staked Mark Windham’s shoulder. (TERI MELTON is now setting up the table) If Stephen Thomas and your (BLEEP!) benefactor wish to get rich off my history...my failures as a competitor...and then if the fans wish for me to play the bad man, the nightmare...the King of Darkness...(RANDALLS laughs) ...then I will do them the HONOR, then I will sink further...I will fall freely...”
(RANDALLS drops the mic and grabs WINDHAM now placing him on the table...TERI MELTON now helping ‘strap’ Timmy in with the bungee cord! The crowd starts buzzing!)
Buckley: (v/o) He’s lost his mind.
Benson: (v/o) Many moons ago.
(CUTTO: RANDALLS kisses TERI! She looks a little shocked, but just as quickly as it happened its over – RANDALLS spitting a bunch of green go0 on WINDHAM’s chest. ‘The Wolf,’ over catcalls and whistles, ascends to the top rope, TERI handing him the microphone. RANDALLS stands tall...)
Randalls: If either Windham has the balls they wish to see sliced off with a knife by myself, then he may stop the youngest one’s fate. (the crowd starts cheering! ...nothing happens.) This is only the beginning...after tonight, the next challenge will be dealt forward if none come my way. From the bottom of the Greensboro division, the Presidential, the United States, The Windhams, Hornet...Flair...all will fall who cross my path of deliverance. I will give the CSWA its wish of what I become. May God give you light in this time of darkness.
And Paul...(‘The Wolf’ gives a sinister smile) ...this one’s for you.
(RANDALLS tosses the microphone into the crowd and leaps off the top rope!)
LOUD CRASH! CROWD SCREAMS!
Buckley: SHOOTING STAR PRESS THROUGH THE TABLE! OH MY GOD! TIMMY WINDHAM COULD BE DEAD! RANDALLS JUST DROVE HIMSELF AND TIMMY THROUGH THAT TABLE! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK!
Benson: Hide the women and children, he’s back! And he’s in viking mode that’s for goddamn sure!
(Fade into a shot of JA in front of the Parsons Cruise Liner on the docks at Miami, in a get up similar to that of the Skipper from Gilligan's Island, only instead of a plain blue shirt, it's a blue flower-print Hawaiian shirt, and a corncob pipe in his mouth that's clearly not lit, plus a pair of Douglas MacArthur type sunglasses. He's wearing the Greensboro Championship securely around his waist. He has several fans lined up on the pier with their hands behind their backs, standing at attention. Lollipop, dressed in a black bikini with a flowery-print sheet tied around her like a beachtowel as a dress and black Weezer glasses, is standing in the background with a clipboard. JA paces back and forth.)
JA: Alright gentlemen, as you may know, there has been a hacker on the loose on See-Ess-Dubya-Aye programming, causing all kinds of disruptions and generally wreaking havoc. Now, normally, I wouldn't really care as long as it didn't affect me, but in light of a recent tiff I had with the esteemed "Insert Random Hair Metal Band from the 80s Here" Ivy McGinnis, I feel as if I need to, I don't know how to put this, umm, repay her a favor as a gesture of goodwill.
So, what I'm going to do is hunt down this hacker and hand him over to the proper authorities. I have a strange feeling that he or she... or it, may be lurking on the cruise. Therefore, with us being locked away on this liner for the next couple of weeks, it will be the perfect opportunity to nail this son of a beach and make him cease his needless ravaging of See-Ess-Dub Tee-Vee.
FAN 1: But JA...
JA: I told you, address me properly!
FAN 1: I'm sorry... SIR YES SIR! What about your Greensboro Challenge, SIR YES SIR? Wouldn't that interfere, SIR YES SIR?
JA: Well, it would, but that's where you come in. I'm going to need your help, you, the fans of the See-Ess-Dub, because I will need to have some time to train for my matches, wrestle in my matches and of course, have sexual relations with my nubile, blond, nymphomaniacal girlfriend. You will help be my eyes, ears, nose and maybe my mouth, y'know, just in case the quiche they serve on here doesn't look so appetizing and I need someone to taste it for me, y'know, to make sure that the hacker hasn't poisoned it, or more realistically, that the guidos making this crap are actually sanitary. Is that understood?
FANS: (in unison) SIR YES SIR!
JA: Good. Now...
Voice off screen: Maybe EYE! can be of some assistance.
JA: What in the deuce...
(The camera pans over to the end of the pier, where none other than RODERICK MCRATRICK and his band of merry scumbags; Rusty Joe, Rodney McRipped, Helga the Overweight Dominatrix, Lord Tophattington, small ralph, Stoney McGanjamin and of course, the Ghost of Steve Guttenberg; standing, with Roderick at the forefront, chest poofed out, hands on hips and cape waving in the breeze.)
JA: Who sent for you?
RMR: You did! Remember? You sent... you know, when you did, and you did and... hey look, a drifter.
JA: I'm not falling for that again.
RMR: Well, umm...
JA: Look, do you even have tickets to get on this thing?
RMR: Yeah, umm... you... uh, wanna look?
(Roderick hands over his boarding passes to JA who looks at them intently. He's ever more aghast with each ticket.)
JA: Mark Vizzack? GUNS? Stephen Flair? None of you are going to pass as these guys.
RMR: Well, umm, the ghost of Guttenberg kinda looks like Teri Melton.
GOSG: I DO NOT!
JA: And where the hell, how in the hell...
RMR: I know someone who knows someone who likes to go to S&M parties with someone who knows someone in the CSWA ticket office, and he pulled some strings. C'mon, it's not like they're going to use them!
JA: You're going to blow my cover though.
RMR: No we're not. I swear, we'll be discreet...
Rusty Joe: I be onery!
RMR: Pipe down, you old salt! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, discreet.
(JA stares a hole in them.)
RMR: C'mon. You said you need help, right? I know all the most unscrupulous tricks in the book and the shadiest characters known to man, right?
JA: Well, yeah.
RMR: And I mean, I'm doing you a favor, right?
JA: Well, yeah, I guess so.
RMR: So I don't see how bad it'll be to let me tag along and help, and perhaps toss some old ladies overboard after I steal their dentures.
JA: Okay, you can come on board as my guests, but you will not throw old ladies overboard.
RMR: Not even one?
JA: Well maybe you can... NO! What am I saying? No shanghai-ing old women.
RMR: Oh, alright. I guess that's better than nothing. Come my band of scumbags! Let us partake in the cruise and hunt for this hacker!
Roddy's gang: YAY!
(Roderick and his band enter the Parsons liner. JA looks to his coterie of fans.)
JA: Well, I'll still need you guys too. I don't know if I can trust them. But for now, as you were, gentlemen.
(The fans breathe easy as the scene fades to the CSWA logo.)
United States Championship
Hornet vs. Kin Hiroshi
RHUBARB JONES: Ladies and Gentlemen! This MAIN EVENT match is scheduled for one-fall, and is for the CSWA United States Title! Introducing first…
(MUSIC CUEUP: “Wings of a Butterfly” by H.I.M.)
RJ: …Accompanied by his manager “Good God” Kevin Powers…
(Powers makes stands off center on the entrance ramp holding a piece of paper in the air.)
BB: Word has it that Thomas has granted Powers’ request to be Hiroshi’s manager for the night, and Powers is sure to let everyone know that it’s legal by waving around that paper.
SB: At least it’s not signed in blood. Or on a muffin wrapper or something…
(CUT TO the ring.)
RJ: …Hailing from Tokyo, Japan. Standing six feet and one inch, weighing in this morning at 230 pounds. He is The Japanese Thunder, The Muffin Man himself: KIIIIIIN HIROOOOOOOSHI!
(Hiroshi walks out and stands amidst a shower of blue fireworks. Powers clapping, trying to rally some fan support for the Muffin Man. Both men walk toward the ring. Powers hops up on the ring apron, and holds the ropes for Hiroshi. Both men now in the ring, and Hiroshi stands at the ready in a far corner…waiting.)
RJ: And his opponent…
(MUSIC CUEUP: “Like The Sun” by I Mother Earth)
RJ: …he is the reigning 5-time CSWA United States Champion. Hailing from Greensboro, North Carolina. Measuring an impressive six feet five inches, and weighing 263 pounds. This…is…HOOOOOOOOORNET!
(The fans erupt at Hornet walks out, US title slung over his shoulder. Weary of Powers’ presence, Hornet makes his way in the ring, and hands over the title to the ref.)
BB: Hornet saw how Hiroshi made it here to face him, and all signs point to Powers.
SB: Is it possible to infuse muffins with alcohol?
BB: I don’t think so, but Hornet will have to have eyes in the back of his head tonight. Both men lock up, and we’re off.
SB: Yippee. Hoo-rah.
BB: Shut it, Sammy. This is a title match. Hornet with the first advantage as he pushes Hiroshi away. Hornet with an arm-ringer that drops Kin onto the mat. Hiroshi quickly somersaults and kips-up, reversing the hold, and now Hornet’s on the mat…
SB: When did we get to Mexico?
BB: …this time it’s Hornet who kips-up, and both men are standing.
SB: I smell a snooze-fest.
BB: They’re just measuring each other up. Powers, beating the apron. Another tie-up, and Hiroshi is on offense with a head lock. Hornet backs up, and pushes Hiroshi into the ropes. Hiroshi charges back, and is laid out with a shoulder block. Hornet runs the ropes this time, but Hiroshi rolls under the feet of Hornet. Hornet charges from the opposite side, Kin leap frogs…
BB: Hornet hit the breaks, and levels Hiroshi with an ENORMOUS right hand. Hiroshi staggers against the ropes, and Hornet sends Hiroshi outside with a clothesline.
SB: I think Hiroshi just lost some teeth there. Thankfully, you don't need teeth to gnaw on muffins.
BB: It wouldn’t surprise me. Referee Patrick Young checking in on Hiroshi who is slow to stand. Hornet better watch his back, Powers is edging his way into the ring. Hornet seems to sense something isn’t right, and spins to catch Powers red-handed. Powers ducks out before Referee Young sees anything.
SB: First, Powers screws Radder out of THIS match, and now he’s going to screw Hornet. Hiroshi can’t wrestle: he just lets Powers do all the work.
BB: We have yet to see if Hiroshi can beat Hornet solo. Hiroshi is back in the ring and swinging blindly at Hornet. Hornet fires back with one, two, three stiff chops. Hiroshi backed into a corner, and Hornet mounts up with some punches.
(SFX: Crowd counting. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine…)
BB: Hornet teasing it…
(SFX: Crowd screams, “TEN!”)
BB: That last one sent Hiroshi on his ass. Hornet picks up Hiroshi, and…fisherman suplex in the middle of the ring. Hornet bridges for the pin…
Hiroshi kicks out.
SB: You know Hornet could have done this faster, he’s just toying with him.
BB: Hornet again wipes Hiroshi into the ropes, and catches him with a knee lift that knocks the wind clean out of the Muffin Man…
SB: That’s another thing, “The Muffin Man”. I refuse to call him that. It’s ridiculous.
BB: Never the less, it’s his moniker.
SB: I don’t care if it shows up on his computer, it’s dumb.
BB: Moniker, not.... never mind. Hornet sends Kin into the far corner, and sits him up top. Looks like we might have a top-rope superplex. Both men come crashing down to the mat. Hiroshi holding his back, and Hornet’s just a little dazed. Hornet rolls over Hiroshi and grabs his legs. Looks like he’s working the lower back with a boston crab.
SB: Oh man! Hiroshi needs some looser clothes. That thing is aimed right at us.
BB: Only you, Sammy, only you. Patrick Young checking on Hiroshi, but Hiroshi is fighting it, and makes it to the ropes. Hornet holds the moves for another moment and releases. Hiroshi slow to get up, and looks completely off his game. Young checking on Hiroshi, and once again Powers moves in for the kill...
BB: That’s what I thought. Powers spins Hornet around, but Hornet was ready, and sends Powers back outside with a front kick that could knock down a house. Hiroshi is back up though, and starts wailing on Hornet with forearms to the back of the head. Hiroshi gets Hornet into a corner, and goes to whip him across the ring. Hornet reverses, and smashes Hiroshi into the far turnbuckle.
SB: Hiroshi’s done.
BB: Hornet calling for the splash! He charges! He leaps! Hiroshi pulled Referee Young into the path of the flying legend, and Young crumples to the mat.
SB: That’s going to piss off Hornet.
BB: Hornet lays into Hiroshi with fists, but Kevin Powers has hit the ring, and is looking for some payback for that monstrous kick Hornet gave him earlier. Powers, lying in wait…
(SFX: Crowd goes silent, then erupts as Radder slides in for the save)
BB: ..RADDER! RADDER makes the save, and is brawling with Powers! Hornet turns and sends them both outside with a double clothesline. Both men don’t care, and Radder is getting some payback on Powers! Radder would be facing Hornet if not for Hiroshi and Powers!
SB: I don’t know which would have been a worse match…
BB: I swear to God, Sammy, one of these days. Hornet doesn’t care, and pulls Hiroshi into the middle of the ring. SCORPION DEATHLOCK! SCORPION DEATHLOCK! Hiroshi’s tapping, but Patrick Young is out cold. Hornet releases the hold, and slaps Young around. Young is up, but groggy. Hiroshi is in pain, but rolls out of the ring, right into the melee that is Powers and Radder.
SB: Watch out for that ever-present DQ.
BB: Young makes his way to the ropes to try and get the challenger back in the ring. Hiroshi trying to separate Radder and Powers, but he isn’t having much hope. And it looks like Hornet is getting ready to fly on all three men. Wait a minute, we have a fan on the apron behind Hornet…
SB: That’s no fan!
(RUBEN ROSS rolls into the ring and knocks Hornet's legs out from under him, crotching him on the turnbuckle. In a series of swift motions, Ross flips Hornet upside-down over his shoulder, spins, and, in an amazing show up strength, climbs to the second turnbuckle, drops Hornet into position, and X Marks The Spot as he piledrives the US Champion into the mat and unconsciousness.)
BB: …For once, you’re right! That’s Ruben Ross, and he’s just manhandled Hornet in the middle of the ring! Referee Young didn’t see a thing!
SB: Okay, I’ll admit it, that surprised me. Again.
BB: Hiroshi back in the ring, and he looks befuddled… Ross rolls out of the ring, and Radder is still battling Powers!
BB: …Confused as to what happened to Hornet. Hiroshi stands Hornet up, and nails him with a spinning forearm that stagger Hornet! That’s the set-up, that’s LITTLE BOY! Hiroshi on the apron…springboard Canadian destroyer! FAT BOY! FAT BOY! FAT BOY!
SB: Hey! I thought we talked about this. I’m on the South Beach Diet.
BB: NO! That was Hiroshi’s finisher. Hiroshi covers Hornet!
HIROSHI’S DONE IT!
(CUE UP: “Wings of a Butterfly” by H.I.M.)
(SFX: A mix of the crowd cheering and booing.)
RJ: Here’s your winner, and NEW CSWA UNITED STATES CHAMPION… KIIIIIIIIIIIIIN HIIIIIIROOOOOOOOOSHI!
BB: Hiroshi has upset Hornet!
SB: With the help of Kevin Powers, and an assist from Ruben Ross. Can’t the man win on his own?
BB: Why win on your own when someone else is going to help you? Powers slides away from Radder into the ring, and Hornet slides out. Hiroshi and Powers are celebrating as Radder props up Hornet. All four men are staring each other down…
SB: There’s some bad blood brewing.
BB: …But Hiroshi is still the CSWA US Champion. Folks, thanks for joining us on the first leg of the PRIMETIME POOLJAM Tour. We're setting sail and we'll see you next in Montego Bay!!! For CSWA PRIMETIME, he's Sammy Benson and I'm Bill Buckley. See you soon!