Welcome to Miami.

”Bienvenidos a Miami.”

Will Smith thumped on the speakers, while Stephen Thomas grooved along to one of his favorite songs in the last ten years. Strangely, the same effect it had on Stephen sexually with his vile wife also brought our current colleague Sammy Benson that much closer to a nervous breakdown.

Benson: Worst. Song. Ever.

Buckley: Welcome back to PRIMETIME in MIAMI, we’re back... onboard the Parsons Cruise Liner for a series of wrestling shows that are certain legends in the making.

Benson: Yes, yes Buckley – its high time we’ve reversed course and set the sails up once more on this blessed vessel, celebrating it with a month-long bender that’ll be sure to include a medical disclaimer for anyone brave enough to step in the ring with the likes of Troy Windham. Hepatitis hasn’t had such a buzz on the internet since Pamela Anderson looked it up on Wikipedia and first wondered if that nice Jewish boy from her hometown was right when he said she’d regret not marrying for security and sucking off the bad boys and heroes of mulleted men nationwide.

Buckley: I’m sensing a little bitterness over boarding the famed ship, Sammy.

Benson: Oh don’t mind me, Buckley. I’ll be sitting here long after your son takes over.

Buckley: How...reassuring.

(CUEUP: Theme from "The Muppet Show")

Buckley: Let’s head down to Rhubarb for introductions to this special challenge rematch that could only happen in ten years time here in the CSWA...

(CUTTO: RHUBARB JONES standing in the center of the ring, adjusting his bowtie before reading from his index card.)

Jones: This next match is scheduled for one fall with a thirty minute time limit and is a special challenge match! Introducing first, managed and trained by “The Living Legend” Mickey Benedict! (Buckley: Oh lord, he’s calling himself that again?) He hails from Sweeeeeeeetwater, Texas – he stands 5’10 inches, weighs 170 pounds and is a former EN World Heavyweight and CSWA World Tag Team Champion! The man who will The Last Windham Standing, THE MUUUUUUUUPPET KIIIIIIIIID! TIMMMMMMMY WINDHAMMMMMMMMMM!

(CUTTO: WINDHAM holding the legendary Fozzy Bear doll blows through the curtain first as an evil grinning MICKEY BENEDICT follows, which causes the crowd to stand up and boo loudly. Timmy shelters away, petting his Fozzy as trash flies at the duo, Mickey relishing the moment.)

Buckley: I can only say right now that as much as things change, the more they stay the same.

Benson: Speaking of which, someone go get me a Waborita.

MUSICUP: “In My Time of Dying” – Jimmy Page & The Black Crowes

Jones: And now introducing his opponent from the city of Raleigh, North Carolina! A former EN World Champion, recognized by the CSWA twice as being the Unified Champion in the World...standing 6’4, weighing 243 pounds...Wrestling’s Evolution, ‘THE WOLLLLLLLLLLLLF’! MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE RANDALLSSSSSSSSSS!

(CUTTO: RANDALLS stalking through the curtains, emerald eyes glowering towards the ring as some hardcores in the audience are cheering, while most CSWA fans are booing. ‘The Wolf’ doesn’t pay any of the crowd attention, instead slitting his thumb across his neck before pointing at the ring...)

Buckley: Where could we even begin on the history leading into this match? Its been almost ten years ago since a certain chain events brought a new style of wrestling to the CSWA. Randalls...unknown at the time, a demented daredevil that also happened to have the best Japanese pure wrestling background out of any competitor from the United States. He defeated Flic Rair to win the EN World Title in a sixteen man tournament, as a terrible seed if I remember. Not two or three shows later, Timmy Windham uses a BUNGEE CORD to not only pin Randalls and claim the title, but that has to rank on some people’s top 5 CSWA finishes list. There was never a rematch, fast-forward ten years and here we are...

Benson: And looking at Randalls’ genealogy, that means he’s wanted revenge for 70 years. Talk about a dog wanting a bone...this could be more desperate than the time you grovelled to Teri Melton for a pity screw at the ’97 Christmas party after your divorce.

Buckley: Please don’t spread lies on the air like that...I don’t need the emails. The truth is that this match was requested by Mike Randalls as part of a CSWA promotion for special challenges. After Randalls’ ANNIVERSARY outburst at the fans and Stephen Thomas, it might be the only way for him to get put on the air.

Benson: Because we really haven’t had any issues with him before, right? Oh, its ok – he’s not staking people. Has anyone freaking seen Tsunami since Randalls kamikazed him?

(The bell rings!)

Buckley: Well, I’m sure the only motive tonight is to set the record straight against a man he’s never been able to beat.

Benson: That’s not like Randalls, Buckley. He may be twisted, but he’s more calculated than Texas Instruments. I’m smelling the proverbial gunpowder.

Buckley: Randalls and Timmy jawjacking a little in the ring right now...and we’ve got a lockup...ooh! Quick armdrag takedown by Timmy! Randalls scrambles up and Timmy catches him with a hiptoss takedown! Windham gives up alot of weight in this match, but he is one of the few wrestlers with quicker ring agility then Randalls because of his small frame.

Benson: I’m wondering how smart it is for Benedict to show up in public...and now he’s at ringside for these two? Mark might have to show up just to save his piece of the pie.

Buckley: Timmy working an armbar on Randalls, cackling at the Wolf who’s probably gritting more in anger than pain...look out! Randalls cracks Timmy in the head with a forearm, but Timmy flicks Randalls in the eye! Windham with another armdrag! Randalls up and charging, Windham catches him with a hipt—NO! (crowd pop!) The Wolf lands on his feet, Timmy fires a right – NO! Randalls counters with a drop toe hold and spins over Timmy’s torso into a side headlock.

Benson: If Timmy Windham thinks for one moment that his body can match up with Randalls’ body in a 30 minute wrestling match, he might as well go home now. This kid had the right idea with the eye poke, you need to slow Randalls down.

Buckley: Timmy fighting up to his feet, grabs Randalls around the waist...Back Suplex! (crowd cheers!) Randalls keeps the headlock in place and immediately rolls Timmy back onto his stomach – what concentration by Randalls!

Benson: Timmy’s a small dude...he needs to drop Randalls more on his head than that.

Buckley: Randalls grinding away on that headlock and now imitating Timmy’s irritating laugh. That gets ‘The Muppet Kid’ up on the rise...Benedict screaming some low-down dirty shames to him...Windham on his feet, walking Randalls around the ring...he’s got him up again! Back Suplex! (crowd cheers!) Timmy keeps it bridged! ONE! TWO! THRNO! Randalls with a powerful kickout (crowd boos!) and right BACK into the headlock! These crowds tiring of Randalls’ games in the ring, so is Timmy...

Benson: Yeah, this is a little weird. Special Challenge matches from Randalls don’t usually incorporate the headlocks as much as skin-piercing weaponry.

Buckley: Timmy fighting to his feet quickly and bounces off the ropes, throwing Randalls off – ooh! Randalls nails Timmy with a shoulderblock, knocking him to the mat! Randalls runs off the ropes at a 90 degree angle, Timmy up...NO! Timmy drops down, Randalls skips over and hits the ropes again...(loud cheers!) Timmy catches him in a FRANK-N-PARSONS and hooks Randalls’ leg! ONE! TWO! WAIT! RANDALLS TURNS IT INTO A SUNSET FLIP! ONE! TWO! THRNO! Timmy shoots out and he’s got Randalls by the leg! Spins him around and launches into a Jacknife! ONE! TWO! THRNO! Randalls kicks out!

Benson: Well, this is just turning into some freaking lucha libre episode...I was expecting more...I don’t know...attempted murders?

Buckley: Both men getting up to their feet (WHAP!) OH GOOD LORD! RANDALLS JUST SPUN WINDHAM OUT WITH A CHOP!

Benson: Those leave worse marks than Shaquille O’Neal on his wedding night.

Buckley: Timmy screaming in the ring, Randalls grabs him by the hair and turns him around...(WHAP!) Those chops sounds like Timmy’s getting cracked with a Singapore Cane! Windham staggers into the corner and Randalls charges in with a front kick to the gut! (“OHHHHH!”) Man alive, Randalls with a spin kick in the corner!

Benson: That kid’s head just whiplashed so hard, I thought he was gonna go Linda Blair on us!

Buckley: Timmy Windham is in a world of trouble right now! Randalls punishing him with some shoulderblocks in the corner! That ref trying to barge his way in there, but Randalls isn’t budging...Oh boy...he’s hooking Timmy’s arms around the ropes...

Benson: READY! AIM!

(WHAP! WHAP!)

Benson: FIRE!

(WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! The crowd starts howling along with Timmy Windham...y’know...’The Wolf’ thing they do....)

Buckley: Mike Randalls just plastered Windham with a series of chops that have turned his chest BEET RED! Randalls turning away...

(CUTTO: RANDALLS back turned towards Timmy, gives the cutthroat motion before shooting into a High-Angle Double Mule Kick; the crowd leaping out of their seats in reaction to a spray of blood ejecting from Timmy’s face! His nose now bleeding!)

Benson: Ok...now we’re seeing something more along the lines of what I figured Randalls would come out like. I guess you can’t fault a guy for wanting to pace out what could be thirty minutes of hell.

Buckley: Mickey Benedict is frothing right now trying to get the referee to take control of this match, Randalls grabbing Timmy and sending him into the turnbuckles! Timmy crashes in, Randalls starts running! Back Handspring Hornet SpllllllNOOOOOOO! (CROWD BOOS!) BENEDICT PUSHED WINDHAM AWAY! RANDALLS JUST SMACKED HIS HEAD ON THE RINGPOST!

Benson: He’s also busted open, Buckley...and when Mike Randalls starts bleeding, good times are had by all! Someone get me a drink, pronto!

Buckley: Windham grabbing Randalls by the hair and look out! (loud crash!) Randalls ejected from the ring and into the ring barricade! The referee has lost all control of this match and the Muppet Kid may be ready to FLYYYYYYYYYY!

(LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!)

Buckley: TIMMY WITH A TOPE! OH MIO DIOS! RANDALLS AND WINDHAM TOPPLE OVER THE BARRICADE INTO THE CROWD!

(“CS-DUB! CS-DUB!”)

Benson: Did you just yell something in a foreign language?

Buckley: Both men are down and out, that ref’s counting!

Benson: By all rights, these two should be locked up, America. But in the CSWA, we break ‘em out of Greenvalley just as much as we put ‘em in.

Buckley: Windham is up first, being helped by his manager Mickey Benedict...and now, Benedict grabbing Randalls by the hair...OH! Rams his head into the barricade! Again! He’s draping him over the barricade...and what the hell is Timmy gonna do off the apron!?!

Benson: HOLY (BLEEP!)

(LOUD CRASH! The crowd leaps into freaking RIOT mode.)

Buckley: SPRINGBOARD CORKSCREW GUILLOTINE LEGDROP! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!?!

(“CS-DUB! CS-DUB!”)

Buckley: By all rights, Mike Randalls should be decapitated!

Benson: Well, I think we need to wait on the camera angle...just to be certain that you’re right.

Buckley: Benedict rolling Randalls into the ring, Windham is nearly killing himself just as much as Randalls, he’s still not up!

Benson: He can throw that buck-seventy around, but there’s not alot of meat on his bones for crazy stunts like that.

Buckley: Benedict screaming at Windham to get in there and finish Randalls...oh and lookit this display, he’s grabbing him by the hair and throwing him in himself!

Benson: Equal Opportunity Employer – Mickey Benedict, gotta love it.

Buckley: Timmy collapses on Randalls for the pin! ONE! TWO! THRRRNOOOOOOO! Randalls gets his foot on the rope! Mickey knocks it off! ONE! TWOOOOOO! THRRRRREEEEEENOO! NO! RANDALLS GETS A SHOULDER UP! BENEDICT JUST KICKED A BEACH BALL IN ANGER AND FELL! HAHAHA!

Benson: That’s a senior citizen you’re laughing at!

Buckley: ...I don’t care! I can’t believe Randalls kicked out, Windham’s screaming at the referee in frustration from the mat...but no doubt about it, Randalls kept this match alive!

Benson: Lord only knows why, he’s bleeding more than a pig in a slaughterhouse...

Buckley: He’s here to prove a point that he’s willing to sink to some level...Windham just looks completely flustered and drags Randalls up to his feet, hooks in a chancery...(crash! crowd screams!) GOODNIGHT! BRAINBUSTER BY WINDHAM! HE COVERS! ONNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THRNO! (CROWD EXPLODES!) NOOOOO! RANDALLS KICKED OUT!

Benson: Timmy’s more bugeyed than the time I had to explain to your son why you wore lingerie to sleep.

Buckley: W—What?

Benson: Nothing.

Buckley: These fans are on their feet, Timmy Windham just made a cutthroat motion before body slamming Randalls to the center of the ring...and he’s going out onto the ring apron and up to the top rope! Windham perched like he’s on a lily pad! HERE HE GOES! WINDHAM IN THE AIIIIIIIIIR!

(CROWD SCREAMS!)

Benson: I think I’m gonna be sick.

Buckley: OH MY GOD! RANDALLS PUT UP HIS KNEES! Windham just busted his ribs going for the KERMIT (Frog) SPLASH! Timmy’s rolling around in agony and Randalls is slowling picking himself off the mat, leaving a stain of sweat and blood behind...

Benson: Honestly, there’s no way you can tell me that Timmy Windham didn’t just break his ribs...he had to have been ten feet higher than the turnbuckles!

Buckley: Hopefully that’s not the case Sammy...cause if Randalls recovers, you know that’s the first thing he’ll attack! Both men on all fours, the referee counting them out...Timmy Windham is struggling to breathe, and he might look the better of the two.

Benson: From what Melton tells me, Randalls gets a ton of ass on the road...

Buckley: ...the mere fact you listen to Joey...nevermind. Oh no...is Mickey Benedict serious?

(CUTTO: BENEDICT taking off his belt and threatening to hit WINDHAM with it if he doesn’t get up!)

Benson: Mickey’s from a different era, Bill. Then again, we’ve seen how his son Zoltan turned out...

(WHAP! SCREAMS!)

Buckley: Timmy Windham just shot up to his feet! Benedict just whipped him on the ass with his belt!

Benson: It stopped the count and the Groucho Marx-esque reaction is kinda funny.

Buckley: In the midst of all this, Randalls is getting up...and he’s had a minute to figure out where his head’s at...Windham coming over and fires a right hand! OH! Randalls returns the favor with a desperate headbutt! That just left a blood print on Timmy’s face!

Benson: That’s now banned in Frankie Fargo matches.

Buckley: Windham staggering...and it looks like Randalls might have him in his sights!

(WHAP! WHAP!)

Buckley: Randalls with a couple of chops, Timmy screaming and falling into the turnbuckles! (crowd groans!) Randalls just charged in with running knee to his face! That just projectiled a gob of blood out of his already busted nose...that’s disgusting! Randalls raising Windham up by the hair!

(WHAP! WHAP!)

Benson: The look in his eye says it all, Buckley! Mike Randalls is in Funkytown!

Buckley: Those chops are ripping Windham’s skin apart! (WHAP!) Good lord, another one! Randalls with a Thai-Knee to Windham’s gut! Front kick! Front kick! Front Kick! DEAR GOD! HE’S IN MACHINE GUN MODE! (crowd starts marking out, he’s still going!) That’s like thirty kicks! And Randalls stops, falling against the ropes!

Benson: Ten years, Buckley....a freaking bungee cord....that’s alot of baggage!

Buckley: Randalls picking up Windham...oh boy, he’s stepping up to the middle rope and leaping off! (LOUD GROANS!) MIDDLE ROPE STOMACHBREAKER! Randalls hasn’t forgotten the Kermit Splash mishap in the least! Timmy rolling around the mat in agony, a crimson masked Randalls stalking him from behind...’The Wolf’ grabs Windham from behind...

Benson: And this is exactly the point where you just start holding you breath, Randalls’ Funkytown isn’t really all that fun as I’ve seen it...

Buckley: He’s hooking him in an Abdominal Str—oh, wow – I think Randalls might tear this kid apart LITERALLY! (crowd applauds!) ROYAL OCTOPUS HOLD! RANDALLS HAS IT LOCKED IN THE CENTER OF THE RING!

(“TAP HIM OUT! TAP HIM OUT! TAP HIM OUT!”)

Buckley: Listen to this crowd, Sammy – we’re the Coloseium on water!

Benson: That’s so frighteningly true...

(CUTTO: RANDALLS raising his free arm in the air as the crowd explodes recognizing ‘the claw,’ ‘The Wolf’ streaks his fingers with the blood on his face than adds it into the submission!)

Buckley: I don’t believe this Sammy! Randalls added in a claw! A move well-known within the Windham family for sure!

Benson: Judging by Timmy’s inspiration Luke-In-The Emperor’s Lightning screams, he’s not thrilled with Randalls’ rendition.

(“TAP HIM OUT! TAP HIM OUT!” LOUD SCREAMS! BENEDICT CHARGES IN!)

Buckley: Benedict’s lost all common sense and patience! He’s charging Randalls, wait! Randalls pushed Timmy to the mat! Randalls ducks the the clothesline! (WHAP! CROWD EXPLOSION!) MICKEY’S HEMORRAGHING IN THE RING!

Benson: Randalls chopped him, only in America!

(CUTTO: TERI MELTON running down the ramp to a shocked crowd! She’s holding...)

Buckley: Oh my god, Sammy...it's Teri Melton with...

Benson: The Bungee Cord!

Buckley: Randalls doesn’t see her and SHE JUST CLOCKED HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD! (CROWD ROARS!) RANDALLS HOLDING HIS HEAD LIKE A FLY SWATTED IT! He turns around and Teri is bug-eyed! Why is she out here Sammy!?!?

Benson: ...apparently, this Muppet Kid must really do something special in the sack.

Buckley: Randalls staring down Teri, WAIT! (CROWD SCREAMS!) TIMMY WITH A ROLL-UP! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (CROWD SCREAMS!) RANDALLS DIDN’T TRY TO KICK OUT! WHY!?!?!”

Benson: Her eyes are like Medusa’s, he turned to stone!

Buckley: Oh shutup! (bell ringing! the crowd boos!) Timmy Windham has STOLEN his rematch with the same weapon ten years later with the help of his EX-LOVER, Teri Melton! Teri’s now helping Timmy up, who can barelly move cause of the damage to his ribs! Randalls ...he’s leaving to the ramp....what is going on? After all that, he’s just LEAVING?

Benson: He’s a gracious loser, Buckley...

(CUTTO: RANDALLS backtracking towards the locker room, the crowd throwing trash at him and telling him to go back! CUTTO: TERI MELTON helping up TIMMY WINDHAM...their eyes meet and Timmy smiles, leaning in for a kiss...the crowd EXPLODING!)

Buckley: I...I...don’t believe this....

(CUTTO: TIMMY’s brow furrowing, his eyes slitting in confusion, or something bad tasting. He pulls his mouth away...and you can see that its GREEN.)

Benson: What the deuce?

(LOUD SCREAMS! CROWD IN PANIC MODE!)

Buckley: TERI JUST GREEN MISTED TIMMY! HE’S BLINDED! OH GOD! SHE JUST KICKED HIM IN THE NUTS! SAMMY! RANDALLS IS COMING BACK! HE’S SMILING! ITS A SETUP!

Benson: Get on your knees and pray Buckley...if they have child, this world is over.

Buckley: Randalls in the ring...Timmy’s blind...he’s screaming in alot of pain! Randalls behind him....He’s got him up...NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOO!

(LOUD CRASH!)

Buckley: BACKDROP DRIVER! HE MIGHT’VE BROKEN TIMMY’S NECK! HE’S NOT MOVING!

(CUTTO: The crowd in SHOCK! BENEDICT crawling out of the ring and running away in complete shock! RANDALLS steps up to his feet and makes a single nod to TERI, she quickly gets out of the ring....and starts looking under it, dragging out a table!)

Buckley: Randalls is asking for a house microphone...if Thomas doesn’t get someone in there to save Timmy, I can’t imagine what this is about!

(CUTTO: RANDALLS getting the mic and looking out to the shocked, mostly booing crowd...he looks as if he’s going to speak to them, but instead turns to TIMMY.)

Randalls: Everyone has a purpose, Timmy. I told you I’d fall further, but I told you that I can only take you so far. If you ever want to blame anyone for our fate together, look to the CSWA fans. (LOUD BOOS! ‘The Wolf’ ignores them) If you ever want to question why you were first, don’t be a fool to believe it was for what happened ten years ago. Understand that’s its because you were the bottom of this company, and the bottom of the Windhams.

Buckley: (v/o) ...now I’m totally lost!

Benson: (v/o) Be Like Mike, I can dig it.

Randalls: Stephen Thomas wanted me to sink down the drain of this company, never to be seen again or dealt with. In summation (RANDALLS looks to the crowd briefly) I was nothing more than a piece of (BLEEP!) to him. Much like the fans, Stephen Thomas didn’t care nor recognize my efforts to fight with honor FOR the honor of this company, or the Unified Title that a scumbag like Troy Windham wears. (RANDALLS kneels down towards Timmy, grabbing his hair violently) But don’t think I didn’t watch....when you staked Mark Windham’s shoulder. (TERI MELTON is now setting up the table) If Stephen Thomas and your (BLEEP!) benefactor wish to get rich off my history...my failures as a competitor...and then if the fans wish for me to play the bad man, the nightmare...the King of Darkness...(RANDALLS laughs) ...then I will do them the HONOR, then I will sink further...I will fall freely...”

(RANDALLS drops the mic and grabs WINDHAM now placing him on the table...TERI MELTON now helping ‘strap’ Timmy in with the bungee cord! The crowd starts buzzing!)

Buckley: (v/o) He’s lost his mind.

Benson: (v/o) Many moons ago.

(CUTTO: RANDALLS kisses TERI! She looks a little shocked, but just as quickly as it happened its over – RANDALLS spitting a bunch of green go0 on WINDHAM’s chest. ‘The Wolf,’ over catcalls and whistles, ascends to the top rope, TERI handing him the microphone. RANDALLS stands tall...)

Randalls: If either Windham has the balls they wish to see sliced off with a knife by myself, then he may stop the youngest one’s fate. (the crowd starts cheering! ...nothing happens.) This is only the beginning...after tonight, the next challenge will be dealt forward if none come my way. From the bottom of the Greensboro division, the Presidential, the United States, The Windhams, Hornet...Flair...all will fall who cross my path of deliverance. I will give the CSWA its wish of what I become. May God give you light in this time of darkness.

And Paul...(‘The Wolf’ gives a sinister smile) ...this one’s for you.

(RANDALLS tosses the microphone into the crowd and leaps off the top rope!)

LOUD CRASH! CROWD SCREAMS!

Buckley: SHOOTING STAR PRESS THROUGH THE TABLE! OH MY GOD! TIMMY WINDHAM COULD BE DEAD! RANDALLS JUST DROVE HIMSELF AND TIMMY THROUGH THAT TABLE! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK!

Benson: Hide the women and children, he’s back! And he’s in viking mode that’s for goddamn sure!