CSWA PRIMETIME in Montego Bay
PRIMETIME POOLJAM Tour
Aired on U-62 May 9, 2006
Another Opening, Another Show
(The boom camera does a flyover of the pool deck of the PARSONS CRUISE LINER II, showing the hundreds of fans who have shelled out thousands to be a part of the PRIMETIME POOLJAM Cruise and be able to watch three CSWA shows live, and, of course, to mingle with the CSWA wrestlers and staff. The ubiquitous CSWA ring is in the middle of the shot, just before we switch to another camera that gives us a direct overhead view of the ring... it zooms in closer until the CSWA logo on the ring apron is the only thing in shot. The music comes to a climax, is replaced by the sound of fans cheering, and then we cut to our friends BILL BUCKLEY and SAMMY BENSON.)
BB: HELLOOOOO WRESTLING FANS! And welcome back aboard the PCL2 for the CSWA's PRIMETIME in Montego Bay!
SB: It would probably be more impressive if we were actually in Montego Bay.
BB: We're still on the high seas here, but we've got an action-packed evening head for the fans here on the ship and you fans watching at home.
SB: Action-packed? You mean the fact that we've got psycho midgets running around tasering people and holding them host...
BB: Why don't you go get yourself a drink or something, Sammy?
SB: Don't toy with me, Buckley. I'm already in a fragile mental state.
BB: And somehow that's different from usual? Folks, if you caught the second edition of VERSUS on U-62, then you already saw the lead-up to these huge matches here this evening. In the MAIN EVENT, "The Living Legend" returns to the stage for the first time since he attacked his brother and literally stole the UNIFIED World Title as ANNIVERSARY. Mark Windham is back and has challenged former CSWA World Champion Dan Ryan in a LADDER match... and from what we understand, Mark intends that the UNIFIED World Title will be hanging above that ladder. We still haven't received word on whether Commissioner Thomas has sanctioned this one or not, but we’ll let you know as soon as we do.
SB: Maybe he’s planning to put the title on Joey Melton again.
BB: Oh geez…
SB: What?! It wouldn’t be the first time. It’s not like he’s going to strap Dan Ryan during a press conference.
BB: Also up tonight, folks, the Greensboro Championship is on the line as JA continues his call to defend against all-comers by taking on the relative newcomer, Steven Shane. We saw Shane’s debut against Cameron Cruise in Miami, and now he’s trying to make a quick name for himself as a CSWA wrestler.
SB: Well, he’s already got more of a name than JA… I mean, are they initials? Were his parents just lazy? Are they some sort of code that says, “I’m being held hostage, anybody within the sound of my voice please call the Coast Guard immediately?”
BB: And in the other match of the night, it’s the return of two CSWA veterans and successful stars. Former CSWA World Champion Shane Southern steps into the ring against ”Triple X” Sean Stevens, a former Presidential Champion. They’ll both compete in a triple-threat match against a man they know well, former UNIFIED Champion Hornet. There is absolutely no love lost between these three men.
SB: And you mean that literally.
BB: But let’s kick things off with the man who captured the United States Championship at PRIMETIME in Miami, Kin Hiroshi!
The NEW US Champion's First Appearance
Fade in to one of the Cruise ships’ clubs where Kin Hiroshi sits at a V.I.P. table facing the crowd. Kevin Powers sits to his side, pointing to the women dancing together. It’s a celebration, bitches. Hiroshi downs his Crown and Coke, and heads to the bathroom. The cameras follow.
Hiroshi locks the door behind him.
Kin Hiroshi: My office, gentleman, has a little bit more discretion than that table out there. Now, don’t get me wrong, I ain’t no Fonzie. I’d have to be getting laid more than once a decade for that to happen.
No, I’m just a regular Joe, who did something everyone said that I couldn't do. I beat Hornet to win the SEE-ESS-DUBYA YOU-ESS title. I know that there’s some of my fans and some CSWA fan boys claiming that Kevin Powers helped me win this title.
To them, I say a strong “f*** off”. Did you see Kevin Powers throw a punch at Hornet that entire match? No. GGKP was out there to be my manager, and look what happened to him! Attacked by that punk Radder. Now, I DO admit that Kevin helped secure a win over Radder to get me to Hornet, but Kevin was out there for morale and inspiration ONLY.
Everyone keeps dropping the name Ruben Ross too. Listen, I was in the ring, and I didn’t see a damn thing happen. One minute Hornet was up, and the next he was down. Sure, I haven’t looked at the tapes, but if Ross HAD TRULY interfered, don’t you think the title would still be around Hornet’s waist?
Instead, it sits securely around my waist, and while some might call me a “faux champion”, I’m still the one with the belt. Look at my name in the record books, the “Current Champion” is written next to Kin Hiroshi. It’s not written next to Hornet, Reuben Ross, or Steve Radder. No offense to my buddy, but it’s not even written next to Kevin Powers’ name.
I have done nothing wrong to win this title. I have done everything that any man, woman, or trans-gendered individual would have done to get this. After all, wouldn’t all of you do whatever it took to be, even, number two in the world of wrestling?
No, I’m not the UNIFIED World Champion, but I assure anyone who thinks that I’m a fake, that the day a World Championship sits around my waist isn’t years away, and it’s not months.
The belt that I sling over my shoulder, or wear around my waist, does nothing but confirm that I am one of the greatest that this sport has ever seen. While I might be the United States Champion, I think that “Kin Hiroshi: UNIFIED World Champion” sounds a whole hell of a lot better.
Contentment is for those without the willingness to take what is rightfully theirs. Do I love being the United States Champion? Absolutely. Will I sit at the top of my stairway for all to come and challenge? Without a doubt. Will I sit by and wait for challengers while others will say “But I’m in the race for the Unified Title, therefore I’m better than Kin Hiroshi”? Not a chance.
There’s only one man in this business who can say that he’s better than me right now: Troy Windham. If anyone else wants to say that Kin Hiroshi is below them, I’ll be the first to meet them in the ring, and the only one leaving that ring on his, or her, own two legs.
I WON this title. It wasn’t given to me. I didn’t get an extra present for my birthday, and it was this title. I put in the sweat and blood to claim it for myself.
Kevin Powers? He’s a great friend, and he’s helped to double my confidence. He kept pushing me to the top, but my fists and my boots were trucking the entire way. Some want to say that this title reign should be his, but, like I’ve said a million times tonight, the title sits around MY waist. Not his, and not any of yours.
A man isn’t made to live forever, but he should strive for his name to be remembered. Now, it’s time for you to ask yourself a question, one that’s been posed a million times before, and one that will be posed for eternity:
Do you know The Muffin Man?
Trapped in the Clos... Cabin
The unlikely threesome of Hornet, Poison Ivy and Teri Melton are still trapped in a cabin behind a steel door. They’re recovering after their first night together in the Hacker’s psychological experiment to see the true story of three former lovers (at different times, of course), picked to live in a cabin and have their lives taped for one man’s amusement, and find out what happens when people stop being polite (as if any of these three ever were), and start getting REAL.
Hornet exits the shower and surveys the room. At least the two women aren’t at each others’ throats. It’s been a cold war made up of non-interference and ignoring each other. Ivy is on the phone as Teri makes a show of working on her nails. She and Hornet exchange pleasantries as she gathers up some things and heads into the bathroom for her shower.
It was a long night. The “Red Midget show” fiasco went on for hours, followed by Burt Bacharach love songs blaring through the television set, until Ivy found a way to pry the non-working buttons off the TV and actually activate the volume control, with the help of a hairpin, a Q-tip, and some MacGyver-like skills.
Then there was the decision of where to sleep. Teri, of course, offered to share the bed with Hornet. Ivy calmly offered to tear out Teri’s hair extensions, and then tossed her boots on the bed, barely missing Teri’s head. That settled, Ivy took the bed, Hornet took the floor, and Teri ended up relegated to grabbing a pillow and a blanket and bunking in the bathtub.
The morning came too early. Ivy was up first, digging PowerBars out of her bag and tossing one on Hornet’s head to wake him. The two sat in silence, chewing their processed protein bars, attempting to act like they haven’t been held hostage in this twelve-by-twelve room for almost sixteen hours. Teri had climbed out of the bathtub shortly after. Hornet offered bathroom time to Ivy first, but she declined, picking up her cell phone.
And so here they are. In the middle of a little place called denial. The discussion of the Hacker’s takeover of the ship (and their lives) and the reappearance of the Red Midget had been a brief one. These three have been around the CSWA for a long time, over forty years combined… they’ve seen stranger things, sadly.
And then the television comes back on, volume restored to its annoyingly loud level. Ivy wraps up her phone call… apparently Adrian hasn’t had any luck figuring out which cabin they’re in or how to get them out. Hornet stops probing the ceiling for any point of weakness, and Teri stops blow-drying her hair.
The production feed of VERSUS plays on the television, as Sean Stevens launches into his promo… one that features Hornet prominently. The target of the tirade settles in to a spot on the bed directly in front of the TV. Shortly after the Triple X interview, the television goes blank again.
Hornet turns to Ivy.
“Can you take video with that camera?”
“Turn it on. And then we’ll see if you can find a way to get it to the production truck.”
JA vs. "Sensational" Steven Shane
BB: We saw the United States Champion, and we're about to see the Greensboro Champion in action as JA continues his open challenge to all-comers.
SB: What, as if he's just gonna say, "No, I don't think I want to defend the title, thanks?"
BB: You know, we haven't even gotten through our first match and I'm already tired of sitting next to you.
SB: I, personally, cannot wait for this card to be in the books so that I may get back out to the main deck to work on my tan.
BB: You’re working on a tan?
SB: Why wouldn’t you believe that? Tans are the epidermis’s aphrodisiac.
BB: AND you’re trying to pick up women with it?
SB: You question it like I’ve never done this before. Buckley, I’ve probably had more women in my most wild night than you’ve had in your entire life.
BB: Call me a conservative, I guess.
SB: Or a lonely loser who shrivels into the corner when the opposite sex passes by.
BB: Look, we’ve got a match to call here!
SB: Sure, change the subject.
BB: Hold on....
BB: Fans, we have just received word that CSWA owner Stephen Thomas has sanctioned that our Main Event between Mark Windham and Dan Ryan will determine the UNIFIED Championship. That means the big gold belt is going to be hanging above the ring in the huge ladder match that just got even bigger!
(CUE UP: “Damn” by Fabolous.)
RJ: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is set for one fall and is for the Greensboro Championship…
(“Sensational” Steven Shane makes his way out from behind the curtain to a massive pop, as the CSWA fans have already bought into his talent after his first match and win against Cameron Cruise. Shane makes his way down the ramp, exchanging some high fives with the fans in the front row.)
RJ: Introducing first… from Hollywood, California… weighing in at two hundred and fifty-three pounds… “SENSATIONAL” STEEEEEEEVVEEENNNN SHAAAAAAAAANE!
BB: I tell you what; this kid really had a lot of hype surrounding him coming into his CS-Dub debut, and what a show he really put on once he hit that ring.
SB: Call it what you want, but I’m still not sold on this guy. I mean, he fought Cameron Cruise for God’s sake. What the hell has Cameron Cruise ever done?
BB: Cameron Cruise is a former Presidential Champion!
SB: And that makes him awesome?
BB: It at least makes him respectable.
SB: Just another thing we differ on, Buckley.
(CUE UP: “Eat The Rich” by Fozzy.)
RJ: And his opponent… from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania… weighing in at two hundred fifteen and three-eighths pounds… he is the Greensboro Champion…JJJJJJJ AAAAAAAAAAA!
(JA makes his way onto the scene with his title draped over his shoulder. He too makes his way down the ramp, exchanging some high fives with the fans in the front row. He then enters the ring and hands his title over to the referee as he and Shane give each other a good look as they await the bell.)
BB: Well, there’s the bell as the champion and the challenger step to the middle of the ring. They’re going to start it off with a quick collar and elbow. Shane quickly gets the advantage as he presses the Anglo Luchador back and into the ropes. There’s an Irish whip…
SB: Wow! The rook knows how to throw a shoulder block.
BB: He’s not a rookie by any means, Sam. You can tell by his ability to stay on the attack here as he pulls JA right back up. There’s a right hand. He whips JA off the ropes.
SB: And he can’t even convert a simple clothesline! He let that masked idiot duck right under it!
BB: JA rebounds off the opposite ropes. Big crossbody block! He holds Shane down on the mat! ONE! TWO! Kickout by Shane!
SB: I don’t really care much for JA, but I believe this is going to be a schooling here.
BB: Shane quickly back up to his feet. He charges at JA, but there’s a drop toe hold! JA quickly makes his way up Shane’s body and locks him in a side headlock!
SB: Are you seeing what I’m seeing? He’s got himself trapped in a side headlock here, and he has nowhere to go.
BB: Well, Shane’s a fighter, and I’m sure he’ll be out of this quickly. He’s already made his way up to his knees as he lessens that vice grip that JA has on his head. There’s one foot planted now. And the other!
SB: Holy crap! That was actually a nice back suplex by Shane to break up that side headlock!
BB: Ready to retract your statements?
SB: After a damn back suplex? He didn’t necessarily flatline him from the top rope, face-first into the opposite corner, Buckley.
BB: Well, Shane is again staying on the attack here as he pulls JA back up to his feet. He backs him into the ropes and gives him an Irish whip across the ring. Oh my! What a Tilt-O-Whirl backbreaker by Shane!
SB: There’s the pin! ONE! TWO!
BB: Kickout by JA! Shane is still not going to let JA catch his breath there though as he pulls JA back up one more time. There’s a right hand to the face. And now Shane gives a hard knife-edge chop to JA’s chest. And another! And another! JA is back in the corner.
SB: Wow! If there was a bull in here, he’d be charging JA’s chest right now! Shane did a number with those chops!
BB: And now there’s an Irish whip into the opposite corner. Shane charges in behind.
SB: But JA caught himself and lifted himself up and over Shane! There’s a dropkick to the back, sending Shane face-first into the turnbuckle!
BB: Rolling clutch pin by JA! He’s got Shane locked up! ONE! TWO! Kickout by Shane! Whoa! That was close!
SB: I really thought I should start paying attention to this Shane guy, but after a mistake like that; it’s really hard to think this guy has what it takes in the ring.
BB: Well, we all know that you think JA has something worth watching, so let’s watch as he gets back up to his feet here. He charges at the ropes…
SB: Lionsault! That’s why he’s worth watching, Buckley! There’s a pin! ONE! TWO! Kickout by Shane again!
BB: What resiliency by this young stallion! He doesn’t want to tarnish his perfect record here in CSWA in just his second match!
SB: I hate to burst his bubble, but if it isn’t done here tonight, it won’t be long before it is tarnished. We’re talking about the best of the best and he can’t even see a simple reversal like the one JA just used coming.
BB: But he’s got a ton of potential if he just realizes it, Sammy. JA is staying on the attack now though as he pulls Shane up.
SB: And now he’s returning the favor for those chops just a few minutes ago!
BB: Indeed, several hard knife-edge chops find their way into Shane’s chest right here as JA backs Shane into the ropes. There’s an Irish whip. Spinning heel kick!
SB: NO! Shane caught JA in midair and turned the spinning heel kick into one hell of a spinebuster! Arn Anderson, eat your heart out!
BB: Shane holds on for the pin! ONE! TWO! TH- NO! JA just kicked out!
SB: These two are really going at it! I can’t believe Steven Shane has lasted this long against the Greensboro Champion!
BB: Well, he has and he’s on the offensive right now as he pulls JA up to his feet. He drives a hard forearm into JA’s chin as he now locks JA in a waistlock.
SB: Belly-to-belly suplex! Great power displayed by Shane as he executed that move from a dead standstill!
BB: Shane is slow back to his feet here, as he falls into the ropes! But look out! He’s signaling to the crowd! This could be it! I believe he’s going to go for that Sharpshooter that he calls the California Clutch here!
SB: Well, he better hurry up. That belly-to-belly was impressive, but it wasn’t enough to keep a champion like JA down for that long!
BB: Well, here he goes. Shane grabs the legs. There’s the step-over!
SB: But JA reversed it! He just twisted the hell out of himself and Shane’s knee! What’s he going to go for here? He’s not getting out of the leglock!
BB: Because he’s going for a leglock of his own, Sammy! He reaches back…yes! He grabs hold of Shane’s chin and now has the CSWA newbie screaming in pain with that Inverted Indian Deathlock!
SB: Shane is really squealing here!
BB: But he quickly gets to the ropes to break the hold! Great ring presence by Shane there as he was really in some trouble after twisting that knee and then getting caught in that inverted Indian deathlock.
SB: Well, JA looks to be back to full force here as he is perched in the corner as he waits for Shane to make his way back up to his feet.
BB: And now, Shane does just that. JA takes off running from that corner…open-faced bulldog by JA! He’s really feeling it now as HE now signals to the crowd!
SB: If you’re smart Shane, you’ll stay on the canvas right now.
BB: But he’s a competitor, so he doesn’t. There’s a gutwrench by JA…
SB: WHAT THE HELL?!?!
BB: I don’t know, Sammy! The lights have gone out here in Montego Bay!
SB: Somebody needs to do something about this. Who pays the power bill around here?
BB: Fans, I wish I could call this match for you, but I honestly cannot see my hand in front of my face right now. I can hear the bumping going on in the ring, but I have no clue what the bumps are from!
SB: We are missing one hell of a match because some idiot can’t mail a damn check! I’m getting impatient now, Buckley.
BB: As am I, Sammy. Wait. Wait, there’s a flicker of light.
SB: This better not be a joke.
BB: There we go! HEY! WHAT THE HELL?!?!
SB: What is this?
BB: Steven Shane is knocked out cold on the mat!
SB: But JA couldn’t have done it, because he is in a tree of woe in the corner of the ring!
BB: Someone has beaten the hell out of both the competitors here in this title match!
SB: But who would do this?
BB: I’m not sure, but someone obviously wants to make a statement. Folks, we’re going to get these guys out of the ring and try to find out just what’s going on here. Don’t go anywhere!
(As the shot fades in, Hornet is sitting on a queen-size bed in what appears to be his cabin. The shot is tight and a bit fuzzy as if not from a normal camera, but it still catches Hornet giving an apparent “golf clap.”)
Bravo, Trip. So, to recap, you’re the greatest wrestler in the world, you don’t care if anyone likes you, and you don’t need to beat me because I’m old and slow, but you’re going to do it anyway to ‘right a wrong.’
Well hell Trip, if the…
(The camera cuts to black for a couple of seconds. Apparently someone doesn’t want this part shown…)
…then I might not be able to make it and give you opportunity. But it’s not for lack of trying. If you don’t believe me, ask your girl over here. (Hornet motions off-camera).
But to go back to the beginning, Sean. There’s no question you’re a great wrestler. But the greatest in the world? Not even I make that claim anymore, and I just had gold around my waist. What about you, Trip? Where’s your run with the big gold belt? Where’s your claim to fame, other than picking up my sloppy seconds inside the ring and out?
(There’s an audible gasp off-camera…it’s obviously not from Hornet. A prominent finger, apparently the middle one, appears in front of the camera, apparently from the person doing the filming.)
And we get it, you don’t care about the fans anymore. They can love you or hate you, as long as they pay attention to you. And yes, once again, we all know that I’m apparently old, slow and over the hill. But here’s the catch, my friend.
It’s all a bunch of bull****.
You need to beat me because you can’t stand that I’m still in the spotlight, no matter how old and slow you think I am. You need to beat me because you haven’t added anything of substance to your resume lately. And despite what you may think I am now… you and everyone else around here know that I was the best wrestler in the world, and you want to be able to say that you took me down.
Do you really think I don’t know that there’s a target on my back? It’s been that way since 1992 when I went to Japan, Mexico, Germany, the UK and every other country, state and city that had a ‘world’ wrestling championship. I proved how good I was a long time ago, Trip, and if you really want to question whether I can still dance at 38, then I’m happy to show you how to two-step.
But let’s get down to real business. Because despite my tagline from earlier this decade, business and personal are all wrapped in, aren’t they? You can’t stand the fact that everything you’ve done, I’ve done before, and better. You can’t stand that when folks talk about the best in the world, my name still comes up. And you can’t stand that Ivy and I had a relationship, and that no matter how she feels now, that she’ll always have those memories. That you always have to wonder when she gets that wistful look in her eye…. That you always have to worry about whether she’s thinking about a time we spent together.
And even worse, you have to worry whether you can keep her…whether you’ll make the mistake that ruins it all… or whether you’ll be set up again like I was. Because deep down, Trip, for whatever confidence you exude now, you’re still the kid whose dream was to step into the CSWA, to step into the ring with me… and if I couldn’t make it work, then what chance have you got, right?
I don’t care what happens with you and Ivy, Sean. You so eloquently brought my ‘personal problems’ into the mix… you don’t have to worry about that anymore, because I certainly don’t.
I’ve got one focus. One singular, consuming focus. And that’s to take hold of that UNIFIED World Title… my belt… one more time. If it means that I have to go through you to do it, then that just makes it a little more fun. If it means that I have to be drugged by Mike Randalls, stalked by Timmy Windham, attacked as the “Antichrist” by Jim Williams, or go through GUNS, all over again… then so be it. If it means that I have to bring the Windham saga to a crashing halt by bringing down Mark, Troy or any other relative they’ve got hiding, then I’ll do that too. If it means the WHEEL of DEATH, or facing down Thomas in the ring or the boardroom, then let’s get it over with.
Because you’ve missed one very important point, Sean. I’ve got nothing to lose. The only thing you can take away from me is my career, and you already believe that’s over. I don’t have to worry about sticking up for Mark or Timmy, or protecting Ivy or Susan, or trying to help build a company or a brand.
Nothing to lose, Trip. If my opponents, like you, believe I’m old and slow, then I’ll continue to take advantage of their underestimation. If the world believes I’m past my prime, then I don’t have to worry about living up to their expectations. And you’d be amazed at what you can do when you don’t have worry or fear clouding your judgment.
(He looks off camera, towards where the cabin door might be.)
You’d be surprised what you can do when you have a single focus. When you’re not encumbered by the past. When you realize that what you once thought was gold actually turned out to be brass, so you set that dream aside and move on.
(He faces back into the camera.)
So if you’d like to step in front of the path of a moving train, Trip, feel free. But the only people that play on train tracks are the young, the suicidal, and the stupid.
(Sean “Triple X” Stevens’ dressing room door opened, as he stepped out, and made his way to the curtain for introductions. Stevens was dressed in his “wrestling gear”, a short sleeved, grey, 100% cotton t-shirt, with the words ‘the Triple X show’ in black lettering , silver and black tights, with his trademark three X’s all over the rear and thigh area, taped wrists, and boots.
There was a look of focus on his face, as he turned the corner, only a couple of feet away from the glitz and glamour of the live crowd. He ran his fingers through his hair, but wiped his hand on the wall soon after, forgetting that he was only minutes removed from the shower, and his hair was soaked.
After a couple more steps, he was at his destination; however, he’d have to wait a moment, as RUDY SEITZER approached Stevens, microphone in hand.)
Seitzer: Sean Stevens, just moments ago, Hornet had a lot that he got off of his chest, the majority of what he had to say was directed at you. How are you feeling exactly -- first, knowing that for some bizarre reason Hornet is with Poison Ivy at the moment, someone – as everyone knows – she has an emotional tie with?
(Trip gave the reporter an annoyed look, almost as if to say what do YOU think. )
TRIPLE X: As expected, it concerns me…
Seitzer: So there is truth to the comment Hornet made about you not getting over the history between him and Ivy?
TRIPLE X: Let me ask you a question, Rudy. This is, of course, assuming you weren’t as ugly as you are, or gay, and had the ability to attract a woman. How would you feel if every single time you went out to dinner, you had people in the bushes outside the restaurant snapping pictures of you that are probably going to be sold to some magazine? How would you feel if every time you went out to do your job, something you’re damned good at might I add, your opponents turn the attention from the match to the person you’re screwing?
Seitzer (swallowing hard): I could see how that’d be frustrating.
TRIPLE X: It’s not even frustrating anymore. I’m used to it. What’s frustrating is, like you said, for some reason, Hornet’s locked in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, sending messages to me, in an attempt to f--- with my head before perhaps my biggest statement match of my CSWA career, and the whole time I’m watching it pissed, because if he’s locked over there, he won’t be able to wrestle over… here.
Am I concerned about Poison Ivy’s history with Hornet? No. I’m concerned about Hornet’s health the next time I see him. Match, no match… ring no ring… I’m sick and tired of this man making it his business to tell me about myself and my relationship. If Poison Ivy ever wants to be with you again, make no mistake, it’ll hurt, but I love her enough that I would let her go to be with you, because there's nothing I could say to change the way she feels. But, look around Hornet, how long have you been stuck in that cabin?
Poison Ivy is mine, Paul.
It’s not up for debate, there’s nothing you can say, or any subliminal that you can send that’ll change that. You said I’m upset about Ivy being your sloppy seconds? I think what it all boils down to is, you had no idea when you two went your separate ways the last go ‘round, that she would be strong enough to not let you, old man, have thirds.
It’s lonely at the top, right Hornet?
You’re right about one thing, though. I haven’t won the big belt here. I haven’t had many real opportunities either, and that’s not because I don’t deserve them. It’s because people like you, people like Mark Windham, Troy, Eli, Deacon, Randalls, GUNS, you won’t move out of the way for talent unless you hand select them. Dan Ryan was the dark horse, Shane Southern was the safe pick, and you figured if you sang their praises loud enough people would just believe you, and I would just go away. Well, I might have gone away, but I always came back. And, tonight… while I don’t get to do what I originally intended, and that’s kill two birds with one stone… I get the guy handpicked by all of you old school guys to carry the company into the future. I get to go in that ring tonight, in front of thousands, and prove what I always said I was, the best.
Then, I’ll come and see you, Hornet. And, when I see you, and I will see you, I’m going to knock you the hell out.
(Trip smacked the microphone out of his face, and out of the Rudy's hand, as his theme began to blare and he approached the curtain.)
Triple Threat Match
vs. "Triple X" Sean Stevens
RHUBARB JONES: This next contest was originally scheduled to be a TRIPLE THREAT match, however, due to Hornet’s unavailability…
(Boos echo throughout the crowd.)
RHUBARB JONES: …It is now scheduled for ONE FALL! First, making his way to the ring, hailing from ORLANDO, FLORRRIIIIDAAA … they call him the BLUE-EYED BADASS, “TRIPLE X” SEAN STEVENS!!!
(“I’m a King,” T.I. plays over the loudspeaker, as the curtain separates, and Stevens steps through, eyes trained on the ring. Trip pays no attention to the crowd, the flashes, or the mixed reaction… he saunters down the aisle, and slid underneath the bottom rope, taking off his t-shirt, as he stands on his feet to a nice response from the female demographic.
The camera zooms in, focusing on his body, especially his tattoos. On his right arm, a cross, symbolizing his religion, on his left shoulder, a pit-bull symbolizes his ability to be cool one minute, and snap the next, over his heart… his newest tattoo, a poison ivy leaf symbolizing love.
His theme comes to a halt as he paces in the ring, hoping from side-to-side, as his opponents theme comes on next.)
SB: You know, when he first came here about five or six years ago, I didn’t like him. I thought he was a pretty boy kiss-up, but now that I think about it, Sean is simply misunderstood and overlooked.
BB: How did I know you were going to say that? It’s typical Sammy Benson to cheer for the guy who tells everybody in the audience that they can kiss his rear end.
SB: Hey, I like the man’s style. At least he's here! While apparently Hornet takes another vacation when he's scheduled to wrestle. And with Poison Ivy? It wouldn't be the first time the man has broken up a relationship. There was Jewels Windham, then Teri Melton when she was with Lawrence Stanley.
BB: I don't think you can really count that one.
SB: Look, all I'm saying is that Bugbrain is a man-whore.
(CUEUP: "Ain't Goin' Down" by Garth Brooks)
BB: The former CSWA World Champion is back! Shane was forced to retire the title due to a knee injury suffered while competing in the NFW. After that, the UNIFIED World Championship, now in question, was revived. Southern’s looking great, like he’s prepared for war; he’d better be because Stevens definitely is.
(SFX: Ding, ding, ding…)
SB: Here we go, baby! There’s something about a Triple X match that makes me crave nachos! You feel like making a run for me, Buckley?
BB: No, I feel like doing my job. Both men meet in the center of the ring, jaw jacking, nose to nose… Triple X with a slap to the face of Southern! Shane shakes it off, almost disbelieving what just took place and confronts Stevens again… Another slap by the blue-eyed badass!! And, Shane Southern is ticked off! Trip slides out of the ring, Southern gives chase…
SB: Quickness edge goes to my boy Trip!!!
BB: Southern’s chasing him about the ring, Trip slides inside, bounces off the ropes; Southern’s in behind him, CLOTHESLINE—NO! Southern ducks it, Trip bounces off the other side LARIAT by Shane Southern sends Stevens crashing down on the mat hard!
SB: Going by the rule book that should probably be a disqualification, shouldn’t it?
BB: Two minutes into the match? Dear God, Sammy… will you ever change?
SB: Nope. Chicks dig me the way I am, baby!
BB: Stevens is up but Shane is on top of him. Southern’s not really known for his brawling abilities, but he’s slugging away at Stevens and has Trip reeling.
SB: Since when did closed fists become legal?
BB: Sammy, you’re so biased it’s almost comical! If Stevens were throwing those punches there’s no way you’d be crying foul.
SB: Riiiiiiight. With all that being said… is it ILLEGAL or not to use a closed fist?
SB: ILLEGAL… or not?
BB: TECHNICALLY it IS but—
SB: Thank you very much.
BB: Oh brother… Shane Southern sends Triple X to the ropes… he attempts another clothesline but Trip ducks it, hits the other side… FLYING FOREARM by Stevens! Trip bounces back up on his feet quickly; he shoots off to the ropes… SPLASH! And, he drops down for the cover… ONE! TWO! KICKOUT!
SB: Trip should’ve known better, country hicks have a little more fight in them than that.
BB: Stevens is on his feet again, he’s scaling the ropes… Shane Southern is almost up as well… Trip leaps off… FLYING DROP KICK CONNECTS! Stevens with another cover… ONE! TWO! KICKOUT BY SOUTHERN! Stevens seems to have a lot to prove… he’s trying to end this thing early and that’s usually not his style.
SB: What do you mean it’s not his style? If he’s incorporating it, it’s HIS style. Furthermore, did you summons someone to get me those nachos I asked for earlier?
BB (Rolls his eyes): Yeah, they’re on there way.
SB: Don’t bat your eyes at me attitude boy!
BB: You do realize that Trip and Ivy are an item, right?
SB: Yeah, but that's just one mark against him. And it'll be over soon now that Hornet's putting the moves on her again. I mean, he's the 100 million dollar man... and Lord knows Ivy's needed some new boots for a decade now.
BB: Trip raises Southern off the canvas, EUROPEAN uppercut! ANOTHER! Southern stumbles to the corner… Trip charges with a SCORPION SPLASH—NO! SOUTHERN MOVES OUT OF THE WAY!! Trip hit his head on the metal post! I … think … YES! We have blood!
SB: Like the old saying goes, there’s nothing like seeing your own blood. Either you’re going to fold or fight. Knowing Sean like I do, he’s going to fight!
BB: Knowing Sean? You barely even LIKED him until recently! When's the last time you even talked to him, two years ago?
SB: Minor details my good man… minor details. He's good people.
BB: Trip is dazed; Southern appears to have his bearings about him… he charges… SPEAR sends Stevens crashing to the mat! Southern is up on his feet and he’s feeling it. Trip is up as well, he’s stumbling… Southern creeps up behind him… GERMAN SUPLEX! NO… SOUTHERN HANGS ON… ANOTHER GERMAN SUPLEX sees Stevens land on his neck!
SB: C’mon Stevens… You can beat this chump!
BB: Southern lifts Stevens up off the mat… Kick to the gut, as Shane shoots off to the ropes… SWINGING NECK BREAKER! But, Shane’s not done, he’s signaling to the crowd that he’s far from finished with Triple X. Shane uses a handful of hair to raise him up… RUDE AWAKENING! STEVENS IS GRIMACING! HE’S TWITCHING HIS NECK IS IN SO MUCH PAIN!
SB: He’s playing possum… Trip is smart, I have faith in him.
BB: Faith? Deacon would crucify you if he heard you mentioning faith. Southern with the cover… ONE! TWO! THR—KICKOUT! Shane on his feet, he lifts Sean up… Snap mare, sees Sean sitting in an upward position… Shane’s off to the ropes… DROPKICK to Sean’s neck! Another cover, ONE! TWO! THR— STEVENS GETS A SHOULDER UP!
SB: Somebody needs to get Trip a towel… that blood is really starting to flow. I hate to see such a great wrestler go out like this.
BB: It comes with the territory. Maybe Sean should think about this very moment the next time he spouts off about how much better he is than the rest of the wrestlers on the roster.
SB: The truth is the truth…
BB: Well look at him now… if you ask me, Shane Southern is a FAR better wrestler at the moment. Both wrestlers are on there feet… Trip voluntarily backs up into the corner, rope a dope style… Southern charges in swinging haymakers… OUCH! Trip counters with a kick to the groin that doubles Southern over! Irish Whip! SHANE WAS JUST DRIVEN SHOULDER FIRST INTO THE METAL POST! HE MAY HAVE DISLOCATED HIS SHOULDER!
SB: I told you; never count the blond haired bad ass out!
BB: For starters Benson, it’s the blue-eyed badass…
SB: Yeah… that too.
BB: Southern falls outside of the ring as Trip comes out after him. Stevens with a Gorilla Press drops Southern neck first over the guardrail! The fans are really into this thing! Stevens, WHAT THE, Stevens is climbing the turnbuckle… He’s measuring Southern… SUICIDE DIVE—HE MISSES! STEVENS’ CHEST JUST BLASTED INTO THE TURNBUCKLE!
SB: My man has got to stay off of those ropes…
BB: Stevens is agonizing…Southern rolls Sean back inside of the ring… he covers… ONE! TWO! THREE! WOAH… STEVENS JUST BARELY GOT HIS SHOULDER UP! That was a close call…
BB: Southern’s smelling victory here… he’s signaling the end… Stevens slowly gets up to his feet… Southern’s measuring him… OH MY GOD! PARTY’S OVER—FACTOR-X! BOTH COMPETITORS SIMULTANEAOUSLY NAIL THE OTHER WITH THEIR FINISHER!
SB: For those of you at home living under a rock, they nailed each other with their finisher, which happens to be the same move!
BB: Southern uses his right leg to nail the Superkick, Trip uses his left… Trip did his out of desperation and both men are down! Stevens is out! Southern’s starting to inch his way over to the blue-eyed bad ass… he places his arm over Trip’s shoulder… ONE! TWO! THREE!!! NOOOOOOOO!
SB: Talk about a close call! FINALLY someone has arrived with my nachos! (Sammy flips the kid a nickel) Don’t spend it all in one place kid.
BB: How can you eat at a moment like this??!!!?
SB: Have you ever heard the saying… there’s always room for Jell-O? Well in this case… its Nachos.
BB: Southern is on his feet… he’s signaling for another Superkick. Trip is almost up as well… SOUTHERN MOVES IN… TRIP DUCKS! AND TACKLES SHANES KNEE! Southern is in pain, and Trip is taking advantage… he hooks him up Nature Boy style… FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK!
SB: This is it… it HAS to be it. Southern can’t take too much of this hold. I’ve seen greater men than Shane Southern give in to the Figure Four.
BB: Southern is writhing in pain, as his shoulders touch the mat… ONE! TWO! SOUTHERN SITS UP! Trip is really applying the pressure! He’s leaning back and forth, trying to break Shane’s ankle! The ref is checking to make sure Shane can still compete!
SB: Stop this match… Shane quit! Did you hear him? I did!
BB: Shane Southern did no such thing! Trip is inching back… I think he’s up to no good… SOMEBODY GET IN THERE! TRIP IS USING THE ROPES FOR LEVERAGE AND HE’S GONNA BREAK SOUTHERN’S DAMNED ANKLE!
SB: All a part of the price you pay stepping into that ring.
BB: SHUT UP, SAMMY! Trip is hanging onto that rope for dear life. The ref drops down on Stevens’ blind side for the cover… he notices Sean’s scheme and orders him to relinquish the hold! That’s damned fine officiating!
SB: That’s bias! Southern has been hitting Sean with closed fists all night, and the minute Sean responds the ref all of a sudden wants to act like a ref! This is a travesty!
BB: Stevens lets go of the hold but I think the damage is done… Southern is trying to get to his feet but the weight on his leg is too much. Stevens is standing over Shane’s limp body… blood running down Sean’s face. Sean uses a handful of hair to pull him up, SOUTHERN COUNTERS… PARTY’S OVER! Shane Southern connects with another Superkick, that sends Trip flying backwards out of the ring, but he nailed the referee as well!
SB: Wrong place, wrong time. That’s all I have to say about that.
BB: The ref is hurt, but not too bad, he’s showing life. This should be a count-out, this match should be over! Stevens is on his knees crawling over to the timekeeper. Sean pushes him out of his seat, and folds his steel chair. Southern is finally able to hold his own wait; he walks over to the ropes, trying to pull Trip inside the ring… CHAIRSHOT! Southern never saw it coming!
SB: Those are the best types of shots.
BB: Stevens is in the ring… the ref is almost up… none the wiser… Trip drops down for the cover… ONE! TWO! NOOOOOOOOOOO! SOUTHERN KICKED OUT AGAIN! Trip can’t believe it! Stevens is on his feet… he’s signaling for the end… Southern is using the ropes to help himself up… he’s up… Southern spins around looking for Sean… FACTOR-X! SEAN NAILED IT! HE DROPS DOWN FOR THE COVER! NOOOOO! NOT LIKE THIS! ONE!!! TWO!!! THREEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
SB: THE BLOND HAIRED BAD ASS DID IT! I knew it!
BB: STEVENS CHEATED! He comes out here and whines about respect, he finally gets the opportunity to PROVE he deserves to be mentioned among the greats and what does he do?
SB: He wins!
BB: Somebody cut to a commercial or something… I think I’m going to be sick… up next, our MAIN EVENT for the UNIFIED World Heavyweight Title.
Grudge Ladder Match
"The Living Legend" Mark Windham vs.
"Ego Buster" Dan Ryan
(FADEIN: An overhead shot of the PCL Pool Deck where PRIMETIME from Montego Bay rolls on. Three hundred happy Cruisers are scattered around the ring in bleachers, others, around and in the pool! It’s Main Event time and the fans love it!)
CUTTO: Adrian Evans playing chicken in the pool, on some beautiful blonde’s tanned shoulders.
CUTTO: Morris Day of the TIME handing out copies of his new CD. Hey, the CSWA spares NO expense.
CUTTO: The Announcing Post. Bill Buckley and Sammy Benson in lounge chairs, sipping drinks in Hawaiian shirts. Benson being fanned with giant leafs by the lucky winners of a lottery drawing he held last night. People will enter to win anything.
BB: You know Sammy this isn’t actually a vacation. You still have a job to do. Need I remind of you that?
SB: Oh right. Working twice a year is killing me. Buckley when you filed your taxes this year, you listed what Thomas slides under the table as “other income” didn’t you? Due to this place being run like a Indian reservation petting zoo, you’ve been working at Slurpee’s forty hours a week for the last three years. Don’t lie.
BB: Sure. Protest now. These fans should know your tune changes Saturday’s at midnight when you need a Cherry-ade fix. I thought you aimed to kill me when the machine broke last month and you were forced to lick the melting ice from the ice tray.
SB: I did. And I won’t need a third shot, I can promise you that.
MUSIC CUEUP: “Zero” by the Smashing Pumpkins.
CUTTO: Dan Ryan stepping out from behind the curtains to the delight of the 300 fans on deck! Ryan swats a beach ball from his face and marches to the ring, determined, angry, and tanning!
BB: Dan Ryan the former CSWA World Champion!
SB: It hasn’t been THAT long, Buckley. Our target audience have to be elephants to keep getting into this product. Trust me, you’re okay.
BB: What a show he put on with Troy Windham (SB: Bill…) at ANNIVERSARY. So close to winning the big title for a second time and in a lot of fans’ opinions, right a severe wrong.
RHUBARB JONES: V/O Ladies and gentlemen this match is for the UNIFIED WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP….
SB: V/O Does he have to yell? We’re in the Atlantic with 300 people on a pool deck, and even less watching when this piece eventually airs. It’s okay to whisper.
RHUBARB JONES: V/O This match has a thirty-minute time limit. The winner must scale a ladder and grab the UNIFIED title suspended above the ring! (MARK!) The first challenger, from Houston, Texas stands at six foot seven, well over three hundred pounds, he is the former UNIFIED WORLD champion, and one of the biggest names in this business….DAN RA-RA-RA-RYANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
SB: Why can’t you just credit Thomas for cracking down on steroids BEFORE Major League Baseball, and women’s curling? The man is a trendsetter who wanted to level the playing field. I’ve got five dollars that says if he stripped Dan for having too much dick and wanted it spread around, you’d be first in line to get an extension.
BB: You know, people HAVE been thrown overboard before. Don’t tempt me.
MUSIC CUEUP: “Pretending” – HIM)
CUTTO: Mark Windham brushing the curtains back and stalking the ring. He’s wearing a sleeveless black T-shit with white and gold lettering that reads, “If You Change Your Mind,” and ivy green long tights.
SB: I’d like to see you try. Never interrupt the talent’s massage.
BB: You’re calling yourself talent now?
SB: It’s hidden, but there.
BB: Uh huh.
RHUBARB JONES: The second challenger, a former UNIFIED World champion in his own right, one of the CSWA’s original four wrestlers, from Sweetwater, Texas….6’6, 252, “THE LOST SOUL” MARK WINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDHAM!!
CUTTO: Windham and Ryan squaring off in the ring as the fans are jazzed!
CUTTO: A pullback shot of the ring and the World Title suspended by wires 12 feet above the ring!
BB: Remember it was Ryan who beat Windham for the title nearly three years ago! Can he do it again?
SB: Well, he’s got a fifty-fifty shot wiseass.
SFX: Cruise Horn.
BB: There’s the bell, and it’s Windham wasting no time jumping Ryan in the dawn of his match! Windham with a series of right hands to the reeling head of Ryan! Windham with his fifth unprotected shot, these right hands finding their way in clean! (CUTTO: Mark standing toe-to-toe with Ryan, spent. Ryan takes off his sunglasses and smirks.) Ryan BLOCKED a weary shot from Windham, bends to scoop the challenger up! Good Grief! Ryan, pressing Mark Windham well-over his head! Windham down HARD to the mat!
CUTTO: Mark slowly to his feet, the ocean spinning.
BB: Ryan quick slingshot off the ropes, running clothesline! Ryan checking his arm to make sure Windham’s head didn’t come with it! Ryan off the ropes again, CLOTHESLINE!
SB: This is a byproduct of only being in the ring twice a year for Windham. He has no bearings. Think of your wedding night for an appropriate comparison.
BB: Windham's rubber legged, but up. Reaching for the ropes, but he only finds Dan’s flying shoulder! Shoulderblock from the Ego Buster! This could be the quickest UNIFIED title match in history, but Ryan has to get one of the two ladders hidden under the ring, and snatch that belt!
SB: What if a seagull flies in and takes it? I’m not saying it’s plausible, but what would be the ruling? Can we get Marvin to look that up. Like it hasn’t happened before on one of these things.
BB: Ryan buries a knee in Mark’s gut, and it’s Windham doubled over his toilet! The beating he’s taken to this point on par with a rough night drinking…RYAN STEPPING ON WINDHAM’S BACK! He’s going to base jump from Windham’s back to the belt!
SB: Do you even know what base jumping is Buckley? Honestly.
CUTTO: Ryan leaping off Mark’s back and grabbing onto the wire holding up the UNIFIED title
BB: DAN’S GOT IT!! HE’S SIX INCHES AWAY! (SB: Too easy. I’ve mellowed over the years to touch that one.) Ryan just has to reach over, grab the UNIFIED title and fall to his second reign as champ! (MARK!) Dan, with one hand free, trying to unhook the title, having a little trouble, but HE’S GOT IT! NO! Sammy how close is he?
CUTTO: Sammy Benson next to Buckley, cucumbers over his eyes and being fed grapes.
SB: A million miles away…
CUTTO: Mark Windham perched on top of the turnbuckle behind Ryan.
BB: Dan lifting the belt off the hook…..he’s gonna do it! And in under two minutes to boot! WAIT! Windham off the top rope and onto Ryan! MARK HANGING ONTO DAN RYAN’S BODY! Both men swinging back and forth, back and forth Ryan loses grip! MODIFIED GERMAN SUPLEX AS BOTH MEN HIT THE MAT! (MARK!) Sammy, Dan needed two hands to take that belt off, and couldn’t do it. Maybe, just a second longer and he would’ve become a 2-time UNIFIED World Champion.
SB: This sun is killing me Buckley. Can we not do something about this? Seriously?
BB: Oh shut up. Windham up with Ryan’s left leg in his hands, OH! He just dropped an elbow over the side of the knee! (CUTTO: Ryan clutching at his knee in pain.) Windham again up….and dropping his full body weight over the left knee of Dan Ryan! One way to stop a climb for the title, take away the legs.
SB: Spot on Bill.
BB: Mark rolls Ryan over, STF! Submission move but it won’t help Windham here, other than to further weaken the left leg! Ryan gamely reaching for the ropes, but he’s not close! Windham pulling back on the hold, he’d love nothing more than to break Dan Ryan’s leg!
SB: What gave you that idea? The fact that both men have 25 million dollar bounties on the other?
CUTTO: Windham pointing through the ropes, drawing Referee Ben Worthington’s attention outside the ring. With the ref blind, Windham jams a thumb into the right eye of Ryan.
BB: OH! A cheap shot! A blatant rules violation by Windham and he got away free as a bird! Move broken by Windham, and moved into a front headlock, modified sleeper! Cripple and put the big man to sleep! The nature of a ladder match in a nutshell. (Fans start CLAPPING for Ryan.)
SB: Rhythmic clapping by the idiots. Now is the perfect time to run this ship into a sunken nuclear warhead. They’d never see it coming. Well, I guess they wouldn’t anyway…but…(raises drink) to stop the ringing in my head.
BB: Ryan to his knees! Fighting the hold, Windham leaning on top of the Houston native for more leverage! These two warriors jockeying for position, Ryan to his feet! He grabs Windham with both hands around the thighs. Ryan lifts Mark up and rams him into the turnbuckle breaking the front headlock! Mark reaches for position again but eats a shoulder in the gut! Windham gasping for air and shot over the bridge of the nose with an elbow! Windham’s nose could be busted open!
SB: I fear it might be. Let’s stop the match and get into cooler conditions.
BB: Ryan with a stiff left jab that stings Mark. A right hand! Windham in trouble! Irish whipped into the opposite corner, off hard, POWERSLAM! Mark caught a charging Ryan! (MARK!)
CUTTO: Windham kneeling beside a fallen Ryan, checking his nose for blood.
BB: “The Lost Soul” quickly shaking any ring rust he might be feeling. (CUTTO: Windham standing, walking to the ropes and blowing a blood rocket out of his nose. Ten-feet behind him, Dan Ryan brings the crowd to their feet as he jumps up to his and waits.) Ryan up! Windham has no idea. Mark turns…DROPKICK AND THE SWEETWATER NATIVE is sent up and OVER the top rope! (MARK!)
SB: Careful now, I’ve seen men fall through the decking on the PCL1 and tunnel all the way through the ocean bed to China before.
BB: Windham shaken but on his feet outside, but Ryan’s not waiting! Dan off the far ropes, charging hard (MARK!) Ryan feet first through the middle rope, DROPKICKS MARK IN THE BACK!
CUTTO: Dan holding onto the top rope, bringing his body back around to the apron, as Mark is sent flying into Gregg Gethard VP Of Security. Gethard and Windham bump heads!
BB: What a move by Ryan! Mark’s head busted for sure, and longtime VP Gregg Gethard could be dead!
SB: If he’s not, he’d be an idiot NOT to sue this company for millions of dollars.
CUTTO: Gregg Gethard in the laps of fans in the front row, knocked out and bleeding.
SB: The head of security is gone. We’ve got LAWLESSNESS! I want every employee of this ship to guard the washed towels and pillow mints with their life.
BB: Ryan stalking the area, but reaching for a chair, not a table. (SFX: CRACK!) OHH! Dan Ryan just cracked Windham in the back with a steel chair! Another shot! And Mark falls on his back! Ryan went for the quick fix, Sammy, he may not try for the belt again until Windham is in three pieces.
SB: I’ve been lobbying for that, for how many years?
BB: Ryan dragging Mark across the deck by both legs. Dan measures, falls to the floor and catapults Windham in the air and head first into the iron ring post! If that felt half as bad as it sounded….
SB: Oh I know. Sorta like, “Janice Gavin do you take this man, Bill Buckley to be your…”
BB: I hate you. (SB: No you don’t.)
CUTTO: Slow motion, spilt screen replay of Windham smacking the iron post.
BB: Mark bleeding a little from the head as Ryan SLAMS his face right over the apron! Two hands over the back of Mark’s head, Ryan wiping the layer of dust off the apron with Windham’s head! (CUTTO: Mark dropping to his knees, hands covering his forehead) No mercy shown by the Ego Buster. Standing leg scissors. Sammy, he’s setting up for the Humility Bomb!
SB: THE POOL DECK CAN’T TAKE IT! THESE ARE SHARK INFESTED WATERS!
(CUTTO: Ryan lifting Windham up for the Humility Bomb, but as he lowers Mark down, Windham grabs the top rope and braces himself.)
BB: Survival instincts from Windham! A rake of the eyes! Windham with a HUGE uppercut that staggers Dan Ryan! Windham IRISH WHIPS RYAN INTO THE IRON POST! (SFX: THUD!) A flurry of offense that has stunned Dan Ryan!
CUTTO: Slow motion split-screen shot of Windham sneaking out of the Humility Bomb.
SB: (V/0) Windhams have been lying and cheating for years. It’s a way of life. You can’t trust them. And you see there, Mark, worming his way out of a back adjustment courtesy of Dan Ryan.
BB: Mark, oh come on! Stepping on Dan Ryan’s throat!
SB: He didn’t see him! Calm down!
BB: Windham wedging the chair that was racked over his back, in-between the bottom and middle ring rope. Mark…brings a shaky Ryan to his feet, IRISH WHIP INTO THE CHAIR! (SFX: PING!) Worthington not even bothering the count, and why not, this company has to crown a new World Champion. Let these two monsters of the sea destroy one another until one cannot answer the bell.
SB: See, that’s exactly what I wanted to do to get my Cherry-Ade but you nixed that idea, pretty quick, but no, endorse it?
BB: Windham FIRES Dan’s head into the ring apron! STANDING NECKBREAKER! (CUTTO: Dan Ryan clutching his neck in severe pain as boo’s rain down.) Windham methodical in his punishment. And for the first time Sammy, fishing under the ring! (MARK!) Windham pulling out a ladder!
SB: No stranger to one of those. He’s been painting my house for close to twelve years. Actually, I can’t complain about the quality of work.
BB: Windham priming the letter across the ring apron and over the security railing! What’s this mad man up to? (CUTTO: Windham bringing Ryan to his feet, and working him into a standing leg scissors)
SB: This is all Ivy’s doing. Don’t discredit the damage to a brain a broken heart inflicts. Had she given it up more often to Windham as much as she did the rest of the locker room, perhaps he’d be more apt to sign a few autographs for fans, and oh I don’t know, not try and maim opponents.
BB: Windham as this crowd’s long been on their feet! POW---NO! Blocked by Ryan! BACK BODY DROP ONTO THE LADDER! Ryan back in the game….Ryan turns Mark over on the ladder, faces him down, and works his left arm through a rung! Good grief! Dan Ryan has the left arm of Mark Windham pinned back through a RUNG in the ladder! Dan…no! (MARK!)
CUTTO: Ryan driving his full body weight on the left shoulder of Windham, possibly dislocating it.
MARK WINDHAM: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you son of a………
BB: This is…this is getting a little unsettling to be honest. (CUTTO: Ryan fishing under the ring for a second ladder.) Windham falling off the ladder. Sammy…you may get your wish! The “Lost Soul” might really be broken into two.
SB: My wish is three…
BB: Whatever. (CUTTO: Ryan standing up the second ladder.) All Dan Ryan need do is set the ladder up IN THE RING and climb for the belt. Surely Windham would make no move to stop the proceedings. Ryan throws a weightless Windham at the foot of his ladder. HEY! Ryan…with Mark’s left arm pinned back….enough is enough!
DAN RYAN: CLIMB!
MARK WINDHAM: Ahhhh. (censor) you!
DAN RYAN: (wrenching the arm back) CLIMB!
MARK WINDHAM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
BB: Windham being forced to climb the ladder! (MARK!) All the way to the top, as Ryan now, leaves to climb to other side! (CUTTO: Ryan at the top, diving over to grab Mark by the hair to stop him from deliberately falling off.) Dan, pulling a beaten Mark Windham to the top of the ladder with him! This is the damnedest thing I’ve ever seen!
SB: Now that I don’t believe. I’ve seen the woman you’ve mated with.
BB: Ryan, legs swung over, Sammy….is he….he is! HE’S GOING FOR THE HUMILITY BOMB! Good Grief the strength required just to get Mark up, HE’S UP!! I DON’T BELIEVE IT…(MARK!) HUUUUUUUUUUUMILTY BOMB! HUMILIITY BOMB ON THE FIRST LADDER!
CROWD: CS! CS! CS!
CUTTO: Mark Windham laying over the platformed ladder. His back bent as if it was being licked by flames.
BB: What else can he do to the man….Ryan on top of the ladder!! (MARK!) Standing on the top rung! RYAN FROG SPLASH!! YES! (CUTTO: Dan Ryan laying over a fallen Windham, the ladder to the deck.)
SB: This may be the greatest day of my life. You can’t understand that now, but trust me. Windham to be destroyed!
BB: Ryan to his feet, and tossing a ladder up and over the top rope into the ring. Dinner is ready, just time to say the prayer. And Windham needs one right about now. Ryan, rolling through the bottom rope. This may be anti-climatic but after what this league has done to this man, how it has tried to invalidate his reign as champion…I hope they choke on this win!
SB: The menstrual side of Bill Buckley. I didn’t think we’d ever see it. Mark the day, children. Mark the day.
BB: Ryan with the ladder set up directly under the belt! Ryan first step taken! (MARK!) (CUTTO: A beaten Windham on his knees, arms over the apron, looking in at the events unfolding in the ring.) Ryan takes the next step, and the third. Windham rolls under the ropes! Amazing!
SB: Not really. Texans don’t know when to stop.
BB: Ryan up, he can almost touch the belt… (CUTTO: Mark in the ring standing, left shoulder hanging limp by his side.) Ryan…he sees Windham and leaps off! DOUBLE AXE HANDLE OVER MARK’S HEAD! (CUTTO: Windham falling back into the ropes) Sammy he should’ve stayed down! Ryan with a left hook! A body shot! IRISH WHIP, but Windham holds onto the rope and then clutches over in pain! That shoulder, Sammy it’s the same one Eli Flair destroyed at CSWA ANNIVERSARY 15.
SB: If he could submit here, he would.
BB: Ryan charges but it’s Windham with a saving right elbow across the chops! Ryan’s aggressive, sometimes overly so, but he’s looking to finish off Windham. Mark THERE’S THE IRON CLAW! (MARK!) The dreaded Iron Claw from Windham! The entire Windham family uses it!
SB: It’s taught from grade school on in Sweetwater.
BB: OH! Kick to the groin and Ryan is on both knees. Windham leaning in, putting as much pressure as he can! He’s won championships with this move! (CUTTO: Blood spurting out of Ryan’s forehead.)
SB: He crippled a wrestling legend with this move. Okay, legend may be pushing it.
BB: Mark out of desperation, trying to make Ryan pass out in the hold then climb! Blood leaking from Ryan’s head…both men have spilt theirs here tonight. Anything, everything to become UNIFIED World champion!
(CUTTO: Ryan grabs hold of Windham’s limp left arm with two hands and YANKS.)
BB: Windham in searing pain! Drops the hold, Ryan to his feet. Body slam! Ryan slams the ladder shut, and sets it up in the opposite corner of the ring (MARK!) he turns and there’s WINDHAM WITH A BODY PRESS! Windham turns Ryan around and works Dan’s right leg through a rung in the ladder….MY GAWD he bends it back, into some sort of modified FIGURE FOUR…THROUGH THE LADDER! (MARK) Mark Windham with a figure four, backwards as it may be…
SB: Well then, shall we call it the Canadian Figure four?
BB: Works for me Sammy, but whatever it is, it’s stopped Ryan dead in his tracks! Oh! Windham just Nestea Plunged back, past the ladder snapping that leg! Ryan to the mat in SERIOUS pain! (SB: As opposed to what Bill? Fly by night pain?) Mark rolls back to his feet as this crowd lets him have it!
SB: You know, I wouldn’t boo the man, or anyone in the ring on this Cruise. This isn’t like a regular show where you don’t get close enough to feed the animals. You boo Windham tonight, and tomorrow you could find him behind you in the buffet line!
BB: Good point. Windham kicking at the gimp leg of Ryan! Now bends it back, atomic drop on the knee! Ryan swings WILDLY and nearly connects! Windham kick to the gut! DDT on the ladder! (CUTTO: Windham quick to his feet asking for the second ladder to be thrown into the ring. Ben Worthington slides out to make it so.)
SB: This is great Bill. Troy Windham leaves the company to star in his own Spanish Soap Opera, and we now have our two biggest attractions crippling themselves. I’m calling Randy Clark! Finally my dream of managing a World Champion could happen! Where’s Eddy Love when you need him!
BB: Windham pummeling Ryan’s head with right hands, as the Ego Buster lays helpless against the propped ladder. Worthington throws the second ladder in, nearly hitting Windham! (SB: Ingenious heel turn! Wait.) (CUTTO: Ryan pulling his feet up and kicking Windham back about seven feet while Mark’s distracted) (MARK!) Windham dazed, BELLY-T0-BELLY SUPLEX ON THE LADDER BY RYAN! Ryan trying to walk off the damage to his knee!
SB: That’s great Ryan, put more pressure on it! That’s why I got out of the managing racket. Nobody listens, except when “she got in the club didn’t she” is said.
BB: The Ego Buster grabs the second ladder. Ladder in hand, Ryan charging Windham as if they’re jousting! WINDHAM ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY!
SB: You know when we’re spearing men in the ring maybe we’ve gone too far. But, hey it got a reaction. I’ll shut up.
BB: Windham rolls, and attacks Ryan! The ladder dropped on top of the first one! Both men trading blows! Right hands after right hands! Mark getting the better of this round! Chopping Dan down! A 10-8 round for Windham! IRISH WHIP into the ropes, Dan limps off the turn…DROPKICK TO THE KNEE! And Ryan down as if he’s been shot!
CUTTO: Windham setting up both ladders over the ropes in a corner. Back-to-back.
SB: It’s like building a treehouse out here, or making a fort. You did a lot of that as a kid, didn’t you Buckley? I picture you hiding out for days in dry sheets with a pet turtle.
BB: Windham suplexing Ryan on top of the two ladders! Mark climbing up himself! Windham’s made a little stage almost out of the ladders….he’s standing on both, and pulling Ryan to his feet! (MARK!) Will anybody start going for the belt? WINDHAM HOOKS THE TIGHTS, IMPLANT DDT FROM THE LADDERS! (MARK!) Ryan’s head driven clear through the mat! The punishment these two men have inflicted on one another. Mark…ladder in hand setting it up! Finally!
SB: I’m telling you, a seagull is going to win this thing. Watch. We’re on the ocean, they can’t help it; everything smells like fish.
BB: Windham climbing to the disapproval of this crowd! ONE! TWO RUNGS! (MARK!) (CUTTO: Dan Ryan making his feet, limping, but reaching up with one paw to grab the back of Mark’s tights. Mark reaches in desperation for the belt but only his fingertips can touch it.) Ryan! Two hands, SLAMS Windham’s head into the ladder! Windham wobbly but with one foot still on! Dan, reaches over Mark’s throat, INVERTED DDT OFF THE LADDER!
SB: I’ve never understood why there’s a ladder in these matches. Why not just talk the belt down, you know, like an old lady would a nervous cat.
BB: Ryan gathers the ladder with two hands, folds it up…and spikes it into Mark’s chest! Windham gasping for air, trying to ward off the Ryan attack with his hands but Dan’s powering the ends of that ladder right into Windham’s ribs! (CUTTO: Ben Worthington in Ryan’s face pointing to the hung belt. A gentle reminder.) Dan, laying the ladder over the middle rope…drags Mark to his feet. A vicious forearm upper cut! (CUTTO: Windham’s head rocking back, tipping over the top rope.)
WINDHAM’S POV: The front row of fans upside down marking hard.
BB: Ryan cocks, ANOTHER UPPERCUT!
WINDHAM’S POV: Mark on a secluded beach with Poison Ivy. She’s standing at the edge of the beach as the tide softly massages her bare feet, looking out into the ocean. Windham approaches, running his left hand over the small of her back. Ivy lovingly turns and smiles. As the wind rustles their hair, Mark puts both hands over her face and kisses her.
Yeah, Windham’s on DREAM STREET!
BB: Ryan grabs Mark’s left hand, IRISH WHIP into the ropes, Dan catches Mark on the rebound, OH MAN! GERMAN SUPLEX ONTO THE LADDER! (SFX: CRINKLE) Windham is beaten there’s no doubt about it.
SB: I’ll believe that when he’s dead and buried. Which, by the way, don’t bother blowing out birthday candles with wishes. They don’t’ come true.
BB: It’s Ryan lodging a ladder into the middle turnbuckle of a corner. Pushing it in snug with his shoulder. Sammy, these two may have to be made to get the belt. (SB: That can’t be a good sign for this company.) Dan backing Mark up into the opposite corner. A knee into the gut! Windham with a game left hand, but Dan responds! Ryan whips Windham into the corner HARD! (CUTTO: Windham’s back CRASHING into the ladder.)
CUTTO: A group of fans on deck, reacting in amused horror.
BB: Ryan, fist in the air celebrating, he charges! WINDHAM WITH A DROP TOE-HOLD AND DAN SMACKS HIS HEAD OVER THE LADDER! And it’s Mark not wasting any time, setting up the second ladder! Blood stealing into his left eye, blinding him for a moment but he wipes it away and climbs! (MARK!) Windham second rung! A few feet from destiny. He stole the belt from Troy can he win it rightfully. ANOTHER RUNG! He’s close to the top.
CUTTO: Mark’s POV. He reaches up for the UNIFIED World title. It’s inches from his fingertips. A big hand comes into frame. Windham looks down it’s DAN RYAN ON EVEN FOOTING.
BB: Ryan with a head butt! And now he grabs and has the belt!! HE’S GOT IT! NO!!! Windham with a right hand! Both men fully on the last rung!! TRADING BLOWS! A see-saw battle! Ryan with a thumb to the left eye! Windham discouraged, Ryan reaches for his second title reign!
SB: What a match! I feel privileged to be here.
SB: What do you think?
BB: The belt is in Ryan’s grasp, but Windham reaching through the ladder to grab a fistful of….
BB: Yes! (CUTTO: Ryan growling in pain.) A right hand by Mark! And Dan slides down a couple rungs!! (MARK!) Windham climbs! He’s gonna do it! Sammy, a Windham will be World Champion again!
CUTTO: Dan Ryan holding onto the edge of the ladder and whipping his body from his side to Mark’s. Dan a rung below Mark.
BB: (MARK!) Ryan with a forearm to the small of Windham’s back!! Mark’s hands were on the belt Sammy! Man oh man! These fans are lifting this ship right out of the water! (SB: Did you say ship or…) Windham elbows back at Ryan, but Dan ducks! Ryan a bear hug around Windham’s waist. (MARK) GOOD GRIEF! GERMAN SUPLEX OFF THE LADDER!
CUTTO: A quick pan of the pool deck. Fans loving the action!
CUTTO: Dan Ryan and Mark Windham befell on the mat. Ryan makes the first rumbling.
BB: Listen to this place! Justice will be served! Ryan kicks Windham’s limp body out the ring! (CUTTO: Out of ring shot. Windham falling through the ropes and hitting the mat with a SFX: THUD!)
SB: The end in sight! Glorious day. This sun is eating my skin, Buckley.
BB: Dan Ryan on his feet! He's got both hands on the ladder he’s about to---HEY!! WHAT THE HELL!
(CUTTO: Troy Windham sliding under the bottom rope, storming behind Ryan!)
BB: RYAN DOESN’T SEE HIM! SLACKKNIFE! SLACKKNIFE!
CUTTO: Troy to his feet in a hurry, climbing the ladder as fast as he can.
BB: What in the hell is Troy Windham doing here? (MARK!) He’s retired! He’s out of this company! Out of wrestling! Troy…to the top…..no! (CUTTO: Troy with two hears TEARING the UNIFIED World title off the hook!)
SFX: CRUISE HORN.
SB: WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!
BB: Troy Windham did not just win this match! Did he? (CUTTO: Windham slipping out of the ring, UNIFIED World title over his waist!)
SB: Anybody who grabs the title wins!
BB: Troy leaving with the belt! It’s over. I can’t believe it!
CUTTO: A close-up of Troy. His white t-shirt reads, “The Crown Jewel.”
BB: Fans we’re out of time. Dan Ryan robbed again! Troy Windham ON THE CRUISE AND BACK IN THE COMPANY?
SB: Thank goodness for tape-delay... all this can be edited out!
BB: Goodnight from the Parsons Cruise Liner! I’m stunned…
CUTTO: A bloody, and pissed Dan Ryan, on his knees in the ring. Shaking his head.
FADE TO BLACK.