It's A Wrestling Show, Right?
BB: We’re back here aboard the Parsons Cruise Liner 2 and ready for this tag team Main Event.
(CUEUP: “Bulls On Parade” by Rage Against the Machine)
BB: Former CSWA World Heavyweight Champion Steve Radder is on his way to the ring. Radder has had his run-ins with both of his opponents recently.
(CUEUP: “Wings of a Butterfly” by H.I.M)
SB: Wait a second, didn’t they forget somebody?
BB: Just a second… United States Champion Kin Hiroshi and his tag team partner, Kevin Powers, are on their way to the ring. But this isn’t supposed to be a handicap match – we expected Hornet to be introduced as well.
SB: He’s no-showing again? Somebody get the drug test ready – we’ve got a relapse!
BB: We know that Hornet is on the ship, but I haven’t heard any word of an injury or anything else that would lead me to believe he wouldn’t be here tonight. In fact, after the way Hiroshi stole the US Title from him, I’d expect him to be here to partner with Radder against these two.
SB: It’s just a side effect of a massive painkiller addiction, Buckley – sometimes you just forget where you are and what you care about.
BB: Stop it, Sammy. Hornet addressed that issue years ago and there’s no evidence that he’s relapsed.
SB: I’m just saying – statistics point out that 80% of addicts will relapse after their first treatment.
BB: Now you’re just making stuff up.
SB: True. But you almost bought it, didn’t you?
BB: Referee Pee Wee Troutman is talking things over with Steve Radder. I assume he’s asking him if he wants to continue. But now he’s calling for the bell, so I guess we’ve got our answer!
SB: Poor Radman… this isn’t going to be pretty.
BB: It looks like the US Champion is going to start this one off. Hiroshi locks up with Radder – these two are incredibly evenly matches: just one inch and ten pounds or so apart, not to mention two years apart in age.
SB: What about their blood type and sexual orientation, Buckley? Gonna tell us that too?
BB: Shut up, Sammy. Hiroshi forces Radder into the ropes, sends him across, CROSSBODY BLOCK by Radder takes the champ down! Hiroshi rolls through and up, but Steve catches him with a dropkick on the button! Radder is up, he hooks the arm and the leg… GERMAN SUPLEX! BRIDGE! ONE….. TWO… NO! It’s too early and Hiroshi is still able to kick out. Radder pulls him to his feet, then quickly body slams him to the mat. Radder with a flying elbow and another quick cover! Look at the frustration on Hiroshi’s face! Radder sends him into the ropes… FLYING LEG SCISSORS by Hiroshi…NO! NO! Radder catches him and sends him down! POWERBOMB!!!! Cover! ONE….. TWO…..THR—NO!!! Hiroshi kicks out and immediately rolls to his corner where Kevin Powers tags himself in! The US Champion has been completely on defense so far in this one.
SB: But here comes America’s Favorite Old Lush!
BB: Powers climbs through the ropes only to be met with a dropkick by Radder that staggers him. He recovers and charges… HURRICANRANA!!!
SB: Well not really… but as close as you can get on a 6’10” behemoth I suppose.
BB: Regardless, Powers is down! Elbow drop by Radder, and another, and another. The former World Champ is taking out his frustrations on his tag partner from long, long ago. Radder goes to the second rope and soars with another elbow. Another cover! ONE….and Powers kicks out, tossing Radder halfway across the ring. Powers yells something over to his corner, then steps over and tags Hiroshi.
SB: The Muffin Man’s coming back in already?
BB: Hiroshi charges Radder – Radder ducks under a flying bodypress. LAST CALL from Powers! It looks like the plan is simple – doubleteam. Powers hit him with the lariat clothesline and now Hiroshi follows with a front lay-out suplex! Powers steps outside to break the count by the referee, but now he’s right back in there!
SB: This is gonna get ugly quick. And it couldn’t happen to a better person than Mr. Radder.
BB: Hiroshi with a quick leg drop to keep Radder down. Now he’s encouraging Powers to take him up – JACKKNIFE POWERBOMB! And now Hiroshi springs up top – ASAI MOONSAULT! He’s got the cover…. ONE…. TWO… NO! He pulled him up!
SB: I told you it was gonna get ugly. It’s like he’s being held hostage or something.
BB: Sammy…. Oh come on… now Hiroshi is ripping Radder’s shirt off him, exposing that livid set of scars on his right arm. This is uncalled for. Pee Wee Troutman should end this one right now.
SB: He can’t. Powers keeps stepping out to break the count – they aren’t technically breaking any rules. Though if they did, I might actually gain some respect for them.
BB: Fisherman suplex by Hiroshi and again he pulls up on the cover at the two-count. Troutman is trying to get him to finish this match, but the US Champion just keeps shaking his head and smiling. They’re not going to be content until Steve Radder is physically destroyed. There’s a tag to Powers. Radder comes up to his knees swinging, but he can barely get a breath in. GOOD GRIEF! BIG BOOT right to the face – he may have just broken Radder’s nose. Guillotine leg drop by Powers, and just like his partner in crime, he refuses to cover, despite the referee’s pleas.
SB: There may be hope for the big buffoon yet.
BB: Oh no…. “Good God” pulls Radder up and set him on his shoulders. We’ve seen this before, and it’s not going to be pretty…. KISS THE CANVAS slingshot powerbomb. Radder may be out. No! He’s still trying to get to his feet, pulling on those bottom ropes. Meanwhile, Powers and Hiroshi have a good laugh in the corner while they watch the former World Champion struggle to get to his feet. They’ve done a number on Steve Radder here with the doubleteam.
SB: Hey, it’s not their fault Radder doesn’t have a partner to tag in.
(There’s an audible commotion that sounds like someone headset mic being turned on at the commentator’s table.)
BB: Teri? You’re not scheduled to be down here.
TERI: Oh, I couldn’t miss this for the world, Bill.
SB: What are you talking about?
TERI: Come on, Sammy, you mean you haven’t figured out how this one ends?
BB: CHOKESLAM by Kevin Powers. He covers Radder, but then actually tells the referee that Radder’s leg is underneath the ropes. This has gone beyond ridiculous, and the fans are letting Powers and Hiroshi here it.
(HUGE cheers from the fans!)
SB: Or maybe they aren’t. Oh hell….
BB: It’s HORNET!!! And he looks PISSED!
(Hornet charges down the entryway onto the main deck. He’s wearing the same clothes he had on from his time in the cabin – T-shirt, jeans and sneakers – and has three days worth of beard still on his face. He gets to ringside, grabs Hiroshi’s ankles and pulls him down, face-first onto the apron.)
BB: Hiroshi is down for the moment, and Hornet rolls inside. He kicks the back of the knee of Kevin Powers… REVERSE NECKBREAKER!!! And now Powers is down and this crowd is loving it!
TERI: He’s just getting started, Bill. Trust me.
SB: Since when did you become buddy-buddy with Hornet again? Didn’t you fake that you were having his illegitimate bug-brained baby?
BB: Hornet checking on Radder and helping him into the corner. And now Hiroshi’s back up! He’s on the apron…jumps to the middle of the top rope… HUGE DROPKICK sends Hornet all the way to the other end of the ring. And another dropkick! Hiroshi is furious that Hornet interrupted their fun – and we still don’t know why he wasn’t out here to start with!
TERI: That’s where I come in, Bill. See, someone thought it would be fun to do a little “Real World” experiment and find out the true story of what happens when three people with a decade of issues are locked together in a cabin together.
SB: You’ve gotta be kidding me.
TERI: Not in the slightest.
SB: Who was the third?
TERI: Your favorite FemiNazi.
SB: (laughing) Oh…..oh….you’ve got to be kidding me. The three of you….
BB: Hiroshi with a DDT on Hornet, and now he’s going for an STF! But RADDER is up! Dropkick to the face… and now a SIDEWALK SLAM!!! Powers is up, but he takes a dropkick on the button from Hornet and goes over the top! Radder goes to grab hold of Hiroshi, but Powers grabs him by the feet and pulls him out of the ring to safety!
SB: (still laughing) So you mean somebody locked the three of you in cabin and no one died? Hold on, where’s Ivy!
BB: Hornet grabs the remains of Radder’s shirt and pitches it to him – Radder wraps that right arm up and wipes away the blood on his face. Meanwhile, Powers and Hiroshi are taking a powder as the crowd here lets them know what they think! And now Hornet’s calling for a microphone.
HORNET: You know, folks, I’d love to stand out here and talk about how Kin Hiroshi is an undeserving United States Champion and how he ought to stop hiding behind Kevin Powers and put his title on the line against either of the men standing here in this ring (crowd pops!), but I can’t do that.
TERI: To all the workers in the back – whether you like him or not, now would be the time to find your way out here, cause all hell’s about to break loose.
HORNET: I can’t do that because we’ve got a bigger problem right now than the Muffin Man and his penchant for molesting baked goods. In case you haven’t noticed, this ship hasn’t been on course in awhile. Somebody around here has decided to stay in the shadows and pull some fast ones on the CSWA – but now they’ve gone too far. They’ve hijacked this ship, the CSWA and all its fans, and threatened anyone who blows the whistle. Several of us have already been held against our will on this ship, and now it’s clear that all of us are at the mercy of whoever’s decided to bring some goons aboard and take control of this boat.
(As Hornet speaks, a number of the CSWA talent and staff begin to funnel onto the entryway.)
So here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re not going to panic – we’re not going to go crazy – and we’re not going to listen to this idiot that calls himself “The Hacker” anymore. This is a CSWA cruise, and the CSWA is taking back control of its ship.
(The crowd has realized that this isn’t a work – they’ve known that something was wrong, but no one wanted to admit that they don’t know who is in control. Then CSWAvision pops on, showing the Red Midget’s response to Hornet’s revelation.)
RED: I always looked up to you, Hornet, but now I know you’re just an idiot with muscles. It didn’t have to go down like this! It could’ve been done nice and calm…
HORNET: Somebody in the booth shut that off!
RED: I’m telling you… we’re going to do this MY way or we’re…
(The screen cuts off.)
HORNET: The first thing we’re going to do is get control of the bridge and figure out where the real Captain is that can drive this thing. Once we’re done there, we’re going to find the Hacker and see how he likes being locked up for a while. So I need all of you to stay calm and….
(The chance for calm is gone as the Hacker’s security begins piling onto the deck from behind the crowd. The crowd begins to panic – some trying to fight the guards and getting hit with stun guns, others pushing and trying to get out of the way. Hornet and Radder appear to be surrounded as the guards converge on the ring – but help comes from the ramp as Shane Southern, Dan Ryan, Sean Stevens , Steven Shane, High Flyer, Cameron Cruise and others begin charging in, some picking up chairs and other objects on the way.)